Blood - Comments

  • n. josten

    n. josten (1270)

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    I’m here to judge for ‘A Quickie Contest’.

    This story reminds me of the Kait Rokowski quote, “Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was just red.” Which is a good thing because this is one of my favorite quotes with how true and accurate it is, and in this story, you’re kind of acknowledging that we, as humans, glorify and put a beauty into self-harm and suicide when it’s not poetic or beautiful at all. Your execution of this has a good message.

    However, I think you could have written about the emotions in more depth. The narrator talks about a starving guilt eating at them for doing something that pushed Nash to do what he did, but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel regret and guilt and sorrow and heartbreak. I don’t even really feel the pain or shock of the entire situation. Like Mr. Darcy said, simply saying that the narrator “did [this]” and “felt [this]” doesn’t make it true. It doesn’t resonate with the reader. When people read literature or poetry, they want to feel something. They want it to rattle something inside of them because this is what art is supposed to do—it’s supposed to move you, turn you upside down, make you laugh or smile or cry or feel like your heart is actually breaking, and this piece has this… almost empty feeling to it. Where I do feel sympathy, I lack empathy again and I feel disconnected from your narrator and the situation. I want to feel immersed, I want to feel everything the narrator is feeling, and I think if you wrote about the spectrum of emotions in more depth, you could convey all of this beautifully. If you fleshed out your narrative and emotions more and paired it with your blunt writing style, I think you could create something remarkable.

    As I said though, I do appreciate the way you chose to write about such a taboo subject. Nice job!
    June 1st, 2017 at 05:07am
  • Mr. Darcy

    Mr. Darcy (16090)

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    The opening paragraph's comparison is so striking that it immediately grabs the reader's attention, as well is the fact that it's mentioned, point blank, that it's not beautiful - straight away speaking to the naive and glamourising view that blood in the context it's appearing is never remotely beautiful in real life. The fact that he doesn't seem to quite grasp the situation, believing that it must be a nightmare, is very relatable and genuine. No one wants to believe that something so terrible could happen to them, let alone to someone that they know. It's always the idea that it happens to others but somehow it never happens to them.

    The narrator talks about how the guilt is eating him up but you can't really feel it with his actions and thoughts. You can feel his loss, his disbelief that something like this has happened, but you don't really feel his guilt. Simply saying that he feels it doesn't make it true, and I think had you made this a little bit longer you could have conveyed it perfectly, thus allowing this piece to contain the cyclical thought process that is common: the shock, the disbelief, the loss, the guilt.

    This piece still has a big impact on the reader as you've written about this topic in such a way that feels real.
    May 11th, 2017 at 06:58pm
  • nearly witches.

    nearly witches. (15230)

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    I think what's really interesting about this story, and what sets it apart from the rest of the stories dealing with suicide on Mibba, is that it's not told from the point of view of the person who eventually takes their own life. It shows the emotions and thoughts of the people left behind and I think that's really interesting to see. It gives the story a different dimension and sets it apart from the other stories on the site.

    I feel like you perhaps could have gone into the emotions a little more -- I can't imagine it myself but if I thought I had been the cause of somebody committing suicide, I'd definitely be letting the guilt eating me up inside. You touch on that, but it's almost... rushed, somehow. I think fleshing out the thoughts and feelings more would make this a really impactful story. As it is, it's still a good story as you describe everything with a finesse, but it would definitely be leagues above if we had more information on the thoughts and feelings involved in something like this.

    As I said, though, this is definitely good and impactful. It's a different view and it's commendable that you've chosen to write about a subject that a lot of people avoid. Nice job.
    May 7th, 2017 at 12:05pm
  • losing control.

    losing control. (4250)

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    This was a really interesting concept for a story. I feel like suicide is sort of one of those "taboo" subjects that doesn't get talked about too often, and I thought it was interesting that you chose to approach it in such a blunt way.

    That being said, while I did like some of the blunt moments, I felt like you could have gone into more detail with certain moments. Like how you were talking about the way the characters were feeling, or telling us that she had cheated which is why he did what he did. Instead of just being like "this happened" you can describe it in a bit more detail to sort of paint a picture for the reader, if that makes sense. Going more in-depth with descriptions will also help bring out the emotions of the characters as well. You had a few parts with nice descriptions, so keeping that going throughout the whole story would be great.

    Nice job!
    August 19th, 2016 at 09:19am
  • orange county.

    orange county. (150)

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    Okay, so I love the story. The narrative isn't exactly original, but the writing is and it makes it so amazing. The only thing that I would perhaps look into changing is the way in which you write certain moments. Like, instead of just telling us what's happened, you could describe it more. The example that springs to mind is "he had committed suicide inside my own house", I think that the best way to get this across is either to be super blunt about it, like, "he had killed himself" or "he was dead by his own hand" or something along those line, or you could be more flowery in the description.
    September 10th, 2013 at 06:15pm
  • Miss.J.isamonster

    Miss.J.isamonster (100)

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    The opening of this was beautiful, totally paved the way for the rest of the story to flow smoothly. Again, I appreciated the time you took to be descriptive in your work, it was a fantastic image. The story has a somber feel to it and it's somewhat calming. There's an eerie sense of peace while reading this that gives me the chills and that's always something that works well with a drabble like this! Fantastic work, I think this is, for sure, my new favorite thing.
    July 18th, 2013 at 06:53pm
  • viralstorm

    viralstorm (100)

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    This is so sad. Whenever I read about suicide it always hits home with me, because I've lost two people in my life to the tragedy. The fact that she blamed herself really touched me, because web though she goes on to explain why it was her fault- I think friends always blame themselves in some way or another.

    You really grabbed my attention when the story opened up. I was immediately asking myself what was going on, and pushing myself forward to find the answer to all my questions. Being able to build that kind of anticipation in a story is a talent, and one that you should be very proud of. This is awesome and definitely high on my list of favorites from you. ;)
    June 28th, 2013 at 02:18am
  • Maddi;

    Maddi; (6100)

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    I think this was my favorite of your stories that I read! I already told you about the ellipse thing, but you did it in this story too. I really like that this was more creepy and I love that you started it off strong with Nash lying on the floor. The other thing that I liked is that it wasn't just creepy, it was also heartfelt. You could tell that the narrator was really burdened by Nash's death and that she blamed herself. I also really like the last line because nightmare just feels like the perfect word to explain what happened. It was really tragic, and I though this story was really good!
    June 27th, 2013 at 06:47pm
  • Jordypye

    Jordypye (1400)

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    T_T This was so sad, I need to find my cat because I need a cuddle Cry
    June 23rd, 2013 at 02:19am
  • capheus

    capheus (100)

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    That was really.. Emotional is the best word I can come up with. I really so adore one-shots because there's so much emotion packed into one chapter and done right it really leaves an impression on the reader, which it did to me.

    I like how the layout is simple and the red is so vibrant, it really helps for when I'm reading the story and picturing the blood on the white, how it contrasts.
    The imagery was astonishing. I could picture the whole thing and it was kind of upsetting to make such a vivid picture.

    Even like this, in his own pool of crimson liquid, he was still beautiful. That had to be my favorite line, just because I feel it shows remorse and I kind of want to know why this person cheated, but that's just me.
    The story reminds me of my one-shot Tranquility because it deals kind of with something around the same thing but I still really liked this. Arms good job.
    June 22nd, 2013 at 06:20pm
  • wonho

    wonho (225)

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    The summary was so descriptive. Starting it out with a question was a wonderful thing, since it engages the reader.

    Seeing Nash lay out with a meter wide red polka dot under him wasn't beautiful.

    This was a great opening line, it made me want to read on and find out what happened to Nash.

    As for his girlfriend, I can't imagine having to live with that kind of guilt, but she's accepted that as her punishment for betrayal.

    The emotions in this came off so clearly, I could feel the shock and horror of the two girls upon discovering Nash's body.

    I'm going to recommend this because it was such a great piece.
    June 21st, 2013 at 08:14pm
  • maus.

    maus. (400)

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    Very taboo, and very enchanting! I love how drawn in you had me. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen while reading! Thank you so much for suggesting this wonderful story!
    June 19th, 2013 at 03:40am
  • Ghoul Scouts

    Ghoul Scouts (165)

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    This story was beautiful! It has so many meetings, and it touches into so many genres. This is a perfect example of someone caught up in taboo. The "normal" reaction is to be disgusted by the site, but she was consumed by it because it is human nature to do so. BRILLIANT!
    June 18th, 2013 at 09:48pm
  • kim wonshik.

    kim wonshik. (2255)

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    This was really deep, and I enjoyed reading it. I can't imagine how they felt finding him, but I think the fact that she described it as being "hysterical" was pretty spot on. I think I'd lose my mind if I found someone dead in a pool of blood. I loved the summary. I thought you gave a good description when you wrote that when it registers, you become stiff. And I liked how you called it life's essence. It stood out to me for some reason, you know?

    "A nightmare was all it was, but all, wasn’t a nightmare." The ending was really haunting!

    Great job on this! Cute
    June 15th, 2013 at 12:58am