June 28th, 2013 at 02:02am
I just wanted to thank you again for entering my contest! :)
Firstly, the layout. I love the background pattern. It's not too red or black, it works very well. I don't know who that is in the banner but that's nice looking as well ;) Hehe. Moving on.
I think this starts out strong. Not many stories I read take place in Greece. I think it snowing makes the story more fun to read as well :)
I like the description of her outfit, it fits in overall with the story.
I walked through the tall iron gates of the cemetery, following the long paved walkway.
I really liked this sentence :)
I love the name Giannis, I don't know why. It's really unique.
“Don’t worry. I’ll save you from the dead.”
I also love this line as well :)
Personally, I'm not sure how I feel about you adding that both of her parents are dead. If it brings back sad memories, I'm not too sure why she would agree to go in the first place. That part seemed a bit odd to me, honestly.
I feel like you adding in that they all got high goes along with the story, though I'm not sure why. It was unexpected, to say the least, but I did like it. It gives it more of an "adult" and "rebel" feel if you know what I'm saying.
I feel like you making the emergency word "condom" was unexpected as well.
I like that you added in the pond, but I'm a bit confused by it. Are there icy chunks because the pond was frozen and then it thawed? Or is it icy during the story? Because if it's the second, I feel like you adding that the fountain is still going is odd to me. I feel as if the owners of the cemetery would turn it off because of it freezing, you know? Or the water wouldn't work or something. That just striked a bit odd to me.
Again, I feel talking about her parents is kind of odd. I understand why you put it there, but it's like the character can't decide on emotions - either she's happy and having fun that she's there, or she's sad thinking about her parents. It's all a bit confusing.
I liked the interaction you added there between Giannis and the main character, when he pulls her to the ground, I thought it was sweet :)
While I'm reading through this, one thing I think you should've added is why the main character and Giannis broke up. You spoke briefly of how they got together, but never why they split. I think that would make the interaction between the characters more understandable.
I was in love, and the only thing I wanted was for him to light a fire inside me greater than ever before.
I really like this sentence as well.
I think you might've mixed up some names through the story. As they're kissing, someone finds them. You mention Romeo and Activity being together, and Romeo supposed to have been looking, but the person that caught them was Romeo...? That doesn't make sense.
AWWWW, I loved how you incorporated the title into the end of the story! That was probably my favorite part :D
I will say that there are a few errors, content and spelling wise, that I suggest you double-check over, but overall this story was really sweet and I liked it a lot :) Good luck in the contest, results should be up soon! :)
There are a few mistakes. You switched tenses once or twice, and forgot a letter or two in a few words, so I would go back over it.
I really thought this was going to be a sinister horror fic in the beginning, so I was a bit disappointed. Must be the narcacist in me. I just wanted someone to get eaten or stabbed. Haha.
I wish you would've showed us more of their relationship. I feel like there is so much more to be said about the two than what you gave us. Maybe a flashback or more description of what is going in with them would've helped perk my interest a bit more. I just feel like it was a bit bland and I found myself asking what the point in it was.
All of that being said, I love your writing and I love you. I guess there was bound to be something of yours I wouldn't fall in love with haha. That's okay though, I love 98% of all things you.