May 17th, 2008 at 11:25am
Really good one-shot.
You make my mouth form an 'O' in shock;
Because it's never easy to find stories like this.
I've read pretty much all of your stories, and you've progressed a lot in your stories.
Thank you,
for writing such a beautiful story.
(:
Shiny and sparkling, clean in the spring sunlight.
That was such a good line. Those eight words gave the story so much background; we knew before we read the story that the floors were clean, that they were seemingly perfect, and then they were interrupted later on by dirtiness. It gave us something to compare the stained floors to; the lines further on wouldn't have been nearly as powerful without this one. The impression that this sentence gave us as a reader was so cruelly interrupted later on, and that's what made the story so good.
I honestly loved that line.
Gag.
Heave.
Cry.
And here, the first of the repetition that gave the story such a wonderful rhythm. Every time you read them, you were jolted into reality - personally, I find vomit disgusting, but it's almost... a release sometimes. And those three words show the ugliness of your topic, which is good, because it almost got lost under the rest of your writing - you write beautifully, and the beauty of your words can sometimes disguise the ugliness of your subject.
But anyway, every time you repeated those three words I felt a little jolt inside; I read them heavily, slowly. They broke the story up, and gave it the perfect pace.
The stench of sick fills the air around us as it seeps through the cherry hardwood floors, staining it, permanently ruining it.
Ugly, ugly, ugly. Yet the words are still beautiful; I'm amazed. How did you do it? This story, in my opinion, is a work of art, which isn’t how I normally view stories. But this… was. Just the way you worded things was beautiful, and made for such an entertaining read.
‘Permanently’ was also a great word to use there; everything seemed more important, more devastating, after I read that word.
All hell will break loose if I do it one more time.
Gag.
I actually said ‘shit’ under my breath, something that I rarely do when reading; I like keeping stories in my head, under my control. Speaking ruins the strength and privacy of a piece of writing. But I’ll admit, I did whisper it quietly, because that final word, ‘gag’, gave such a sense of… foreboding. I had no idea what was coming next, but I knew it was going to be bad and I knew I wouldn’t like it.
And why wouldn’t I like it? Because you created this amazing feeling; I was totally emphatic towards your character, yet I felt guilty for it. They were doing something that I knew to be wrong, but I still felt sorry for them, still wished I could help. Taking into consideration this is only the third paragraph of the story, you writing that feeling in is, quite honestly, astonishing.
Your eyes glaze over with anger and hatred; disgust. I count the seconds; fifteen; my stomach still convulsing, twisting, shooting pain all through my system, up my ribcage.
The way you wrote these words was so… drafty, so breezy. It sounded as if you just plucked the words from thin air, and that added such an element of impulsiveness, which in turn fit in with the theme, and it all just… agreed. I loved the way you used words that gave a similar meaning even though the actual meanings were different: ‘anger, hatred, disgust’, ‘convulsing, twisting, shooting’. The words are totally different, especially ‘shooting’, but they come together to give the perfect feeling. I also really like the excessive use of commas and semicolons. It adds a sense of spontaneity.
You’re telling me I’m pathetic, you’re telling me that I’m worthless, you’re looking at me with disgust.
Again, we get that sense of empathy for the main character, whoever they’ve become in our minds (I think it was meant to be Frank/Gerard, but as there were no names they seemed like fictional characters to me…). You want him to be okay, you want him to be happy, you pity him, while at the same time the other character hates him. (You = reader.) And that just makes you pity him more, because you want him to have his lover, you want his lover to have him, you want it all to be perfect, and it’s not.
And I guess that sentence goes further than this story; who, at some point in their lives, hasn’t felt worthless? Who hasn’t received an insult from someone they love, who hasn’t been looked at in disgust? Everyone has, at least once, experienced these things, and that sentence, combined with the whole emphatic feel of the piece, brings it to a more personal level, even for someone who hasn’t encountered ‘Mia’ as such.
All with your eyes.
Those words are so powerful. So, so powerful. If the eyes are ‘the window to the soul’, then it follows that they’re able to convey feeling better than words ever could. And you, I believe, have capitalized on that; the sentence I highlighted before (‘You’re telling me I’m worthless…’) was interpreted, at least by me, as actually spoken until I read those four words, and suddenly I knew it was so much worse. Looks can kill better than words can, maybe because of the whole ‘window to the soul’ thing. To be able to tell that someone hated you through the look they gave you would be an awful feeling, yet he doesn’t seem to care; all he cares about is the perfection he might achieve through being sick. And that’s an indication of just how fucked up he is, and just how strong a character you’ve created.
that I’ll feel it soon, soon, soon. Spinning, spinning, spinning, the cherry hardwood floors keep going in circles as I smile, smile, smile.
I’m a sucker for words and/or phrases repeating. Especially when they’re repeated three times. There’s just some sort of… magical quality in repeating words three times. They always seem better, stronger, more perfect. They always hold more emotion and more emphasis. And I just love it so much.
The thing you called a heart shattered in your chest; but I continued to be selfish selfish selfish, thinking only about the numbers.
Another three words, and more fucking empathy. I swear, my heart almost burst. You created these two characters who I pitied immensely; I wanted to make it better, I wanted to fix their problem, just because your words made me desperate to help. I also love the way you used ‘shattered’; it was really effective.
The cherry hardwood floors fade to black.
That ending; I don’t know if I interpreted it the right way, but if I did…
Devastating.
That’s all I can say.
I loved this piece because it was poetic, because it had a plotline, and because it was so well-written. You seem to have the perfect words, the perfect tone, the perfect everything.
I was amazed.
Good job.