August 8th, 2013 at 05:10am
Risking Heartbreak - Comments
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Confession time. I totally found your story because I saw you comment on someone's blog post, and the title was catchy so I was like, "hey, I'm going to check that out, too." AND I'M SO GLAD I DID! Omg, I love this story. Please update soon! I think I get too emotionally invested in people's fictional characters, but that's just a testament to what a great writer you are! EEEK. Too cute!August 6th, 2013 at 05:54am
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I'm so glad you commented on my blog! This is one of my favorites here on Mibba!
I love how Melanie's friend is like "he's thirty years older!" That made me chuckle! Hahah Brandy thinks he's hot too! Sounds like me and my friends, so good job with that dialogue!
Uh-oh! Her dad sending him to pick her up. This should be good!
They kissed again! Is it weird I was sorta glad?!
It's obvious I love this story! I can't wait to see what happens next! As for grammar and spelling, I wasn't even looking I was so wrapped up. I'm already subscribed so I'll be sure to keep up with it! Good job, again!July 25th, 2013 at 02:01am -
Hey there darling! :) I missed reading this story and I have been looking forward to see how it is going. I think it so crazy what Melanie is doing with Richard! And they kissed, again! I saw it coming, ohmygod! This is crazy, I really want to know what is going to happen. See I want to know what's going to happen when her parents find out. I wonder if they will keep this going! AH, excited. :DJuly 24th, 2013 at 02:02am
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I have found that, after reading the summary, this story is not what I expected at all! I love that it's different from most of the stories I've read so far due to the age difference and the fact that this is a guy who has parctically been there for her entire life. It's not something I've ever read before and I like that. The story has a strong flow and it's description is fantastic. You described every detail perfectly and it's enough to keep me coming back to read it all over again.July 20th, 2013 at 10:58am
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I really am enjoying this story so far. It isn’t the typical boy-girl love story and I like how Richard is much older than Melanie and that he is her dad’s best friend. I’m not really sure what changed between them (I know the secret will probably be revealed in later chapters) but it must have been something big for them to feel the way they feel now.
I love the layout as well. It’s simple, but cute and really adds to the story.
But I would love if this story had a character tab though. (Or at least links to the pictures of them)
Overall, really great start and I look forward to reading more.July 19th, 2013 at 07:33pm -
So hi I'm responding to your blog and here's what I think I love this. The detail poured into this is so well I love how it got straight down to it no beating around the bush whatsoever. Characters are so real and lifelike that I can picture them in people I know in real life. This story is so lifelike and real that it makes me want to keep reading and reading over it again. I had an awesome time reading so keep up the good work!July 16th, 2013 at 08:02am
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Massage is with an "a" not an "e". That's message. Jus thought I would point that out.
I'm still liking where this is going. I'm glad you finally gave Richard a face. And you also voiced his thoughts on the situation which was interesting.
Lol, that's terrible what that guy said on their date? Like why would you even think that?? xD
I still totally think they should get together. Screw age. I ship them.
July 16th, 2013 at 07:00am -
I always seem to start with the layout of stories because that's what I always see/notice first and so I will. I don't really see much that's eye-catching in the layout, it doesn't particularly draw me in or anything like that and though it's simple I think that it could be changed to work with the story more. I also noticed that the background of the banner was lightning or something like that, it kind of works I guess because it looks like that banner is broken but it could just as easily been glass and worked nicer.
I like how you worked the title into the summary c: that was good. I only saw these things that could probably be edited:
- situation more complicated, and frowned upon, than they could : I think it could be rewritten like situation more complicated and frowned upon than they could the commas made me read it awkwardly.
- ...Its a situation... : ...It's a situation...
Well I think this is entirely different than I expected. I usually can't read long chapters but this kept my attention and it was really interesting. I'm curious about this but not quite sold on the plot yet, I feel as though there are some things you could do to get the reader more invested but it's not a bad start.July 16th, 2013 at 04:48am -
I loved the description in the first chapter. I really got a sense for the type of character Melanie is, really good descriptions. I actually really enjoyed the first chapter especially the end, I thought the way you led up to the kiss and how you played it out was really well done and definitely realistic. I like the age gap I think it will lead to some interesting plot and character developments .July 9th, 2013 at 07:21am
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I really liked the summary, it was very mysterious! I adore the layer, it works so well!!! Half wayish through chapter 1, if that extra drinking helped to lead to what ended up changing her life, is an awesome line, really intriguing and it really made we want to read more!
I'm writing this comment as I read, OMG she likes Richard!!! He's like twice her age and her Dad's mate!
Ok, am I seeing things or did Richard kiss her? OMG I'M HOOKED ON THIS STORY! I love how she says: best kiss I've had in over a year, not best kiss ever!
Angela seems really nice and supportive, but Erica is right, the whole thing is just wrong! Ah, I love this story, please update soon!!! :-) xxxJuly 8th, 2013 at 10:03pm -
I rather like Angela. She's logical, but positive about it while everyone else was kinda a brat about the whole situation.
I absolutely love where this is going. However, I'm going to mention to try and "show" more than "tell". Really, this story could go a ways, but you're simply leading us through it without showing it. There's so much more description you could give!
Wonderful update though! I'm excited to see what happens. c:July 8th, 2013 at 05:52am -
Hey there! I am responding to your blog and I'm very happy you posted this story, it's so creative and I haven't read a story like, it ever, it was truly wonderful!
Layout:
I love how the colors and just how it's very simple. Normally it's hard to do fancy layouts, but simple is better to me. It goes well. Along with the banner you have. Very creative. It helps me, personally, keep on going with the story. The purples and blues are very lovely!
Characters:
Oh Melanie is a very self-efficient character, so far. She clearly knows what to do, and although the kiss was very over whelming to her, she ended up talking to her friends, and thinking it through in her head. I like her character as a character. You did a lovely job at writing it.
Richard seems very nice, along with every one else in the family. It's cool to see stories about people who are close to their families, because having family 'issues', if that is what this is suppose to go into, reaches to a lot of people you know. :D I love the way you describe you characters and the parents; a lovely marriage. The brothers, are hard to judge. There hasn't been all to much about them. And then friends. They come off to me as, very good friends. But some are closer than others. Which I think adds to wonder and excitement of the story.
The Writing:
It's wonderful! You're writing is very well done, like there are no problems that I could fine, whatsoever. Everything just flowed perfectly and it created the scenes in my mind. The only thing I was confused with was in the first chapter, it seemed to be in a third person and then in second, it was more of in Melanie's point of view. But otherwise, everything flowed AMAZINGLY. I just loved it.
So, I am honestly, dying for more. I cannot wait too see how the BBQ goes. I suppose that's going to be awkward! And the way you described it in the summary, I'm going to assume this "romance" will continue. Which is making me very interested. I want to know what is going to happen!! So I'll be checking in and I'll be back whenever you update, because I love it.
Oxox - Morgie♥July 8th, 2013 at 05:47am -
the layout is very simple and I like that. Nothing too flashy is always good. The only thing I don’t like is how the links are blue in the chapters and everything else is purple. It just clashes with the rest of the lovely layout.
The intro paragraph to the whole story automatically gets the reader interested into what’s going to happen. The fact that you delay our knowing with details about her life is genius; youre quite the writer. I also like your mix of words that you use when having a character talk. Seeing “she/he said" over and over again is quite tiresome but you manage to come up with a new word for every expression and I love that.
Your grammar and mechanics are superb; its obvious you proof read and make sure everything is in order before posting it. Although you have a pretty good list of descriptions, not once did you mention the appearance of any of the characters including Melanie, which I find a bit odd. I’d really like to know what everyone looks like, especially Melanie and Richard since they’re so important to the story as you can see. I feel like you should add more personal descriptions to the whole story.
Another thing I wasn’t a big fan of was your way of telling instead of showing. Not one time did you let the reader find out what each character was about through their action. Each time you just told the reader what was going on. Although this technique is good, it’s tiresome when you repeatedly tell and not show one bit throughout the story.
Usually I’m not a big fan of long first chapters but you set it up PERFECTLY. The intro paragraph was pure genius and I loved how it introduced the ending result of the chapter. You’re a very good writer and you mix up dialogue and descriptions up well (other than the looks part). You’re a really lovely writer and I’m sure this story will be superb by the time it’s finished
! July 7th, 2013 at 07:01pm -
So, first of all let me say I am now subscribed to this! I HAVE to know what happens next with Melanie and Richard!
Layout: I like the layout pretty good, although the banner may could use some work. But I don't see it's big enough of an issue to worry about if you're happy with it
Writing: I like your writing style a lot. It all flowed very well, and the dialogue went about smoothly. I noticed one mistake with your use of the word "vary" when it should be "very" but I didn't notice anything else major.
Characters: I love these characters! I don't know if its intentional but the naming of the characters really set it out! Since Richard is older, his names seem to fit the older, mature personality, while Melanie fits the younger persona.
Plot: I love it. I think it's unique and you have a great start! The older man/ family friend dynamic is very juicy! Your summary was good too, I thought. it really drew me in. Can't wait to read more!July 7th, 2013 at 11:06am -
I'm not a huge fan of the layout, just because there's nothing eye-catching to draw me in. The banner looks like lightening, so I'm not sure what that has to do with anything. The same goes for the summary, it seems a little drab. You could lighten it up by mentioning something about each of them other than they're just normal people.
When I first started reading, I thought it was a little bland. I know you're trying to give the impression that she's just a normal woman, but there's nothing to draw the reader in (no quirky comments, no jokes, no description).
Also, "So do I," She grinned. is formatted incorrectly. Since "she grinned" is not a speech tag, it should be like this: "So do I." She grinned. Put a period at the end of the speech to keep them separated.
"Thank you," She said, her voice a whisper. "She" should be lowercase since it's not a proper noun. "Thank you," she said, her voice a whisper. You do that a few times, and you should go back in and make the pronouns lowercase.
Overall, I suggest you make it "pop" a little more. Add something in that will keep the reader's attention. Describe more, describer her, describe him, describe what her attraction feels like. Just make this story stand out more.July 6th, 2013 at 10:03pm -
I rather like your banner. The layout could use a little work, but the color scheme is nice.
The summary leaves me very interested. It gives an insight, but it still makes me wonder what's going to have to Melanie and Richard. I want to know what's going to happen because you gave the bait, but the not the whole package!
I like how you start out the chapter; its different. You give a good view of the setting and her persona. The way she interacts with the family is a good use of characterization.
The dialogue--it flowed really well and was very realistic. There was no forced tone. I really liked the conversation!
Oooo, attraction for an older man.
I like this. I like this a lot.
Okay, so I haven't been reading a lot of stories, especially out of my fandom, but I will continue to read this. This could seriously go somewhere and I'm excited for it!July 6th, 2013 at 08:34pm -
I'm liking your summary. It makes the reader interested, yet it doesn't tell you too much, what I'm saying is, you have to actually read the story before you know if you like it or not. If that makes any sense... Your layout is good, but possibly a bit boring. The picture and colour scheme could be brightened up a little to make it more interesting and eye catching. The actual plot is very good, I think there's so much you could do with this story! I love reading stories where it's about older men, but like someone before me said, a family friend... this could be interesting. Your writing flows well and overall I like it, keep it up! July 6th, 2013 at 03:30pm
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Ooooo! This seems like it's going to be fun. Hahaha. I've always had a thing for older men, but a good family friend? Oh my, I can't wait to see how this goes. lol. I think you've done a good job in hooking readers and now I look forward to learning more about each character. The only thing I noted was uh... I think it's 'down a shot' rather than 'drown'. But that's all! Update soon, alright? :]July 5th, 2013 at 08:47am
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Summary and Layout:
I really liked your summary right off the bat. It's not too short and not too long and gives just enough information about what the plot is going to be without giving too much away. I also liked that you didn't do what people tend to do where they ask questions at the end of the summary. Ie; Will Richard and Melanie over-come their obstacles and fall-in-love? I don't know, it's just a pet peeve of mine that seems to be done way to often, and I liked that you were able to spark questions in people's heads without flat out asking them. I wasn't a huge fan of the layout however, I thought the banner was pretty good, but the rest was a little hard to read, probably just because of the dark purple mixed with the gray. But it's not bad, I'm just not a huge fan.
Writing:
I really like your writing style, it's easy to read and quite simple but in a really good, well-written way. It just has a really nice flow to it that makes the reader want to keep going, and keeps interest in the story. I did notice a few very minor mistakes scattered through out it, but mostly missing words and missed spelled words, and only a few. I also thought the length of it was very nice, because as I said about the summary, it's not too long so you get bored but it's not too short so enough information isn't giving. It's definitely that happy medium.
Characters:
I loved how you started introducing the characters with the fathers birthday party and how well you were able to establish their distinct personalities. The family banter was fun and realistic, it felt like a family party my family might have- so that was very relatable. I really like Melanie as a protagonist so far, I like her personality and I like that she's a little bit older, because there is a definite lack of stories on this site with older main characters. I liked how you portrayed her getting drunk because it felt very realistic, as not everybody reacts to alcohol the same. I thought it was funny how she was asking what her parents thought about her drinking, because it was definitely something a drunk person would ask. I know I feel super guilty and apologize a lot when I'm intoxicated so it was nice to see a real portrayal of that. I also really liked Richard's character. I wasn't expecting him to be her parents age, but I'm very excited to see that dynamic in a story. I liked how he interacted with Melanie's father and with Melanie, because it just felt very authentic. Finally, I liked that he was questioning their decision to kiss each other because it would stand to reason that they would question that, especially given that they had known each other all her life, he's most likely been an authority figure almost to her.
Plot:
I think this is a very interesting plot you have going here, it takes guts to write this kind of dynamic so it isn't written about very much. I like how you've set it up, and the fact that it isn't a dive head first kind of thing, if that makes sense. They are drunk and questioning their actions, and I have the feeling they aren't just going to jump into a relationship the next day. The help finding a house thing kind of reminded me of one of favorite movies Sex, Lies, and Videotape. Not the whole plot because it's very different, but just that aspect as a way for them to kind of get closer. I'm very excited to see what you decide to do with the plot because so far it is very original and I think it had a lot of potential.
Overall:
Overall I really enjoyed the first chapter of this story and I think you're off to a great start. I'm actually very excited about reading on with this story and I think you're a great storyteller and have a gift for writing characters. Great job, keep up the good work and considering me subscribed and recced. :)July 4th, 2013 at 06:16am
On to the more important stuff!
The summary really made me suspicious that this was going to be a cliche story that had the main character hook up with her enemy or best friend or some guy and then she gets preggers and has to live with her 'awful' decisions; I'm glad I was wrong.
chapter one
Okay, I really liked the simplicity of this as a first chapter and how you chose to just set up the basis of the chapter but all the mystery! You did it really well so that even after the summary I was like okay, definitely interesting and one paragraph in I was like, "WTF DID THEY DO?!" and I was really excited to see what had happened. Like I said before, I liked all the descriptions of her family and the background so that it wasn't just a few brief introductions and then right to the big event but that you slowly led up to it and then hit us readers right in the freakin' face with that kiss lol. I think I really like it thus far because I found myself really wanting to go on to the next chapter. I was iffy about where it was going because of probably the age difference but I won't even lie because older guys are attractive, k. I like maturity to be honest, but yeah. On to the next one!
chapter two
“Well it was long enough that she’s got eyes that match both the state and county flags,” Erica quipped.
I really lol'ed at that part, I had to stop myself and continue. Just like in the first chapter, I like how the main character has friends that know her well just like her family (it kind of adds to the whole description/background of the character and how she likes familiarity so it would make sense that her friends know her really well since she's stuck with familiar friends).
PREACH ANGELA, YES GURL. I really like her. Even if she's not the 'level-headed person', I like the way she thinks and I agree with her opinions. Yes, it'd be complicated but Melanie's old enough to decide what she wants to get involved and not get involved with.
chapter three
All righty, I'm not sure if I'm seeing him right in my head but he's definitely a hottie in my eyes. Even if he's barely twenty years older than Melanie, they're both adults! Anyways, I really like the little shifts of view from Melanie to Richard. I think you did it well because for me, it just flowed together and there wasn't really an awkward transition so I felt like that was something you did really well! If it was me in Melanie's position, I would've been dying or having a nervous breakdown, especially after something like that kiss happened! I'm really liking this so far and I'm glad that you didn't have them immediately have sex in the first chapter and that be the secret/mystery that changed their lives forever. I think that's just what happens a lot in the stories where everyone's inebriated and can't even tell their left from their right, it's actually kind of cliche to me but I think a kiss was just the right enough of a 'mistake', y'know? If you don't know what I'm trying to say, sorry lol
But I also loved the part about the massage parlor part! Another part that made me literally lol. Ugh, poor Melanie - she so deserved to slap that guy and I would chalk it up as stupidity as well if that was me in her position.
chapter four
Okay, I totally don't even get cars to be honest, but I respect people who do! I feel like it's a 50/50 chance that I could get into cars because I love taking care of things and molding them or perfecting or fixing things up but I also have like, really shit patience and I want everything to be done perfectly and quickly (which is always nearly impossible ugh) so I defs. respect Melanie for being able to grow up in a household of majority of male siblings and still get out of it with knowhing herself as an individual and still being able to love cars and not be so out of touch with her female side, like make-up or whatever (since I noticed she was putting on eyeliner and everything~). It wouldn't be bad if she wasn't so feminine either, but still, just something I noticed :)
chapter five
OH. MY. GOSH.
Okay, for a second there I totally didn't even expect that the date was going to be Richard - like you go, Melanie. I thought it was going to be some other chick that Richard was going out with to forget Melanie (another cliche, I know
“We’re already out on a date. What are you afraid is going to happen? You’ll get drunk and crawl into bed with me?” Richard groaned and ran his hand down his face. “I can not believe I just said that to you.”
OMG RICHARD YOU SASSY LITTLE CUTIE STAWP OK STAWP.
I love Richard at this point, I don't even care because I just love all of your characters (except for that one blind date guy Mel went out with) and I'm really hoping they'll fess up to Mel's parents so there isn't a lot of drama once things escalate (if/when they reach to that point) and honestly, Richard's sense of humor is so appealing to me and I'm totally picturing him with really nice cheekbones and a sprinkle of pepper in his hair but a lot of dark hair so the grey isn't noticable, I mean, I know people who're around 30 and they have a lot of hair and then they have bits of grey. SO yeah, if the personality and just the casualness of his character to appeal to me, he's a total hottie in my head. Anyways, over all I think story-wise, I like how the plot is moving and the base you've built for Melanie and Richard. I think gramattically you did well too, although I noticed there were the occassional missing comma's. For example, Once inside she closed the door and leaned against it. - there should be a comma after 'once inside'. So that's probably the most I would reccommend, just checking over things and reading the words aloud so that you can tell when there should be a comma or just proofreading for the parts that everyone looks over. I know I do it a lot myself because proofreading is really boring to me
Hope there's an update soon!