My Last Breath - Comments

I’m here as the new host for ‘Lyric Contest’.

Ah, this is not at all how I expected this to go but I knew from the first paragraph that it was going to break my heart. The way you compared Amy to water to capture how transparent she felt was really well done. And the more you focused on that hopeless sorrow in Amy, the more I started to really see and feel that emotional depth you put into this. I think the most painful part was that even though this was such a painful scene, I felt so much love in Amy towards the one she lost—which, I think, definitely amplified and highlighted that ache even more so I really connected with Amy. I hate that she jumped, but I liked that little bit where you made it clear to the readers that she was aware of what she was going to be doing to her other loved ones but she couldn’t keep going.

Your descriptions were really well done and immersing, as well. Your writing style was simplistic in the sense that you didn’t go overboard, but you also did well of painting the scene in my head so I didn’t have to wonder or fill in the gaps myself.

So all in all, good job!

Alright, I am going to try this again since it's not working for me and cut out half of what I wrote.

This story truly made me cry. It's defiantly something that I normally don't read, but I am glad that I found it through comment swap! It said so much for being so short. I really hope that you do decide to turn this into a book, and start it from the beginning. You're layout is really neat. I love reading stories with layouts and photos it really sets the tone for the entire story/short story and I love the photos that are included either in the beginning or at the end. It tells us who each character is and what their role might be.

Again...It was truly amazing!!

This story made me cry. It's defiantly something that I normally don't read. But I am glad I did. It said so much for being so short. I hope you decided to turn this into a book. :)

Layout/Summary:
I like that you added pictures in the summary, making it easier for the reader to get a picture of who it’s about, now that I know it’s about Amy Lee I’m interested in where you’re taking this one-shot.

The summary itself leaves me with questions, I can already feel the sadness coming from it and I’m nervous now I think I understand where this is leading to but I hope I’m wrong, I don’t want Amy to kill herself. :(

Story:
I liked that you described water to how Amy is feeling, that was a nice touch especially when you said she felt invisible, it’s a thoughtful sentence that’s for sure.

Ugh that’s horrible, just the thought of loving someone so much, only to have them torn from this world, that’s truly saddening. You’ve captured the emotion really well in this piece, my heart is hearting for Amy and her pain is relatable to a lot of readers who have lost loved ones. Her memories are still fresh as well; it’s really a bittersweet story.

Overall you’ve done really well with this emotional piece, good job.

Comment Swap brought me here, I love the layout, the first chapter is really good and it's gotten me wanting more, I've recommended and I probably will keep my eye out to see if you right more. You've done a brilliant job at putting emotion into your writing and as people have said previously there are a lot of commas, however I'm a comma fiend too!

Comment swap!
This is a very emotional story. I'm impressed by your ability to capture that, so good job! On a much less pleasant note, there were some major grammatical errors that I found distracting. The big one that I kept noticing was the usage of commas. There is definitely such a thing as overusing them, and, when you do, they have the effect of making your paragraphs become massive run-on sentences. It's nitpicky, I know, but it's something that I noticed. Overall, good job of capturing emotions and pacing. With a little polishing, this will be an excellent story.

Comment swap!
This is a very emotional story. I'm impressed by your ability to capture that, so good job! On a much less pleasant note, there were some major grammatical errors that I found distracting. The big one that I kept noticing was the usage of commas. There is definitely such a thing as overusing them, and, when you do, they have the effect of making your paragraphs become massive run-on sentences. It's nitpicky, I know, but it's something that I noticed. Overall, good job of capturing emotions and pacing. With a little polishing, this will be an excellent story.

Preparing myself for the feels - the summary's just got this sense of doom to it. Of course this is aided with the large warning, but it would've read the same without it. Your layout it beautiful too.

And you don't waste any time. That first paragraph is so melancholy and gorgeous. The fact that the bridge was so important to their relationship just made it even worse, having her jump there.
You really spike my curiosity, wondering how Padge died, even though it doesn't matter in the scheme of things. Amy's loss is still a loss, and it's going to kill her all the same.

It was pretty awful, having her father arrive just beforehand, really awful but just gave the ending even more of a punch.

Very sad, very beautiful.

Good luck in the contest again.

Comment swap -

I think you captured her emotions well. The fact that her dad is there at the end and that she's aware of how her death will affect her family is all the more saddening.

I would have liked a little more insight into her relationship with Paget though, like things they had overcome/significant events. And what Amy was doing before the bridge.

Oh wow. This was beautifully haunting. It was well written and relatable. I know how it feels to be so heart broken you can't even think about going on. The way you described her emotions and what was going through her head made me a little teary eyed. Absolutely gorgeous.

Comment swap -

This was so beautifully heartwrenching. I loved it. I loved everything about it. I could feel her heartbreak and love for him. It was just so well written, it felt like I was right there with her.

I loved the layout, it was simple and fit so well with the story. The summary was short and to the point, which drew me in. It was shorter than I would have liked it to be, but all in all, I loved it.

First off, I like the layout. It's clean and easy to read and it fits with the tone of the story.

I also like that you used only two short sentences for the summary; too often people give too much away in the summary or just drag them out. I like simple and concise, which is what you have here.

On to the content: Again, I like how you described her feelings and their relationship without rambling. You could feel her heartbreak, but you could also sense her love for him. My favorite line had to be "She felt like the water too, like she was simply invisible". It gives a good glimpse into how she's feeling and the things that are going through her head.

What's weird is, I was thinking this this reminded me of the song "My Immortal" and then she started singing it. Kind of ironic.

All in all, this is a great piece. Depressing, but very well written. Great job!

I love how much emotion you captured in this simple one shot. You could just feel the pain that Amy felt over the loss of Michael, and I htink you conveyed it very well, especially when she was talking to herself. I think you did an amazing job with this and I hope you continue to use emotion in all your pieces!

Comment swap...

This is beautifully written and just packed full of raw emotion, I found it extremely powerful as well, I didn't spot any mistakes, your description was amazing and I dunno I just found it flawless, good job...Also I like you layout it's simple yet effective!!

I came from comment swap and I'm very glad it led me here. That was amazingly written. I'm not usually one for dark stories, but since this was written so well it pulled me in from the moment I started reading. Fantastic job!

It's just so good

Comment swap!

This is amaze balls. Didn't think I'd like it but I did!

Oh my gosh :( That was wonderfully written. I felt like I was there with her teetering over the edge. What got me was how she was able to do it yet her Father was showing up :( i wouldn't be able to face him. This was an amazing one shot. Well done.

God I love this song and I love this band. Pretty dark, but I like all of the emotion. I felt very emotionally charged when I listened to this song and I felt the same when I read this. I was going through a tough part in my life just like Amy because my best friend died and I listened to this song and i felt just like Amy: broken, hurt, the feeling of defeat. But luckly I was able to over come these feelings. This is a very good story tho! Great job!

God I love this song and I love this band. Pretty dark, but I like all of the emotion. I felt very emotionally charged when I listened to this song and I felt the same when I read this. I was going through a tough part in my life just like Amy because my best friend died and I listened to this song and i felt just like Amy: broken, hurt, the feeling of defeat. But luckly I was able to over come these feelings. This is a very good story tho! Great job!