Beggars, Choosers, Finders & Keepers - Comments

Hey there! ^^ I'm here as a judge for the Magazine's Health contest.

I guess I can start like the other two did and say that I skimmed through the first four chapters to get a better feel for the story. It took me a bit longer to get through your story but it was definitely worth it. c:

I can relate to Miss Cynthia or.... How she acts at least lol. My mother makes me correct my questions all the time like that as well, so I definitely understand how Sophia was feeling in the instance and it made it a pretty relatable event for me, which was a very good thing. Miss Cynthia sounds like a really fun character, I really enjoyed reading her in the story.

I feel like the story moved a bit fast in terms of the group finding out Nathan had cancer but it was pretty minor. Overall, the story did really well capturing the illness and how the others felt when they found out about it. Cancer is always a pretty hard thing for people to portray in stories, as is most illnesses, since it's such an emotional subject but I really liked the way you portrayed it.

My only advice would be rather than linking images, try to describe the things through your writing. An image is a quicker way to get your readers to understand what someone is describing but with your words, it can be an even better picture that you can give your reader. With the right words, you reader can begin to image the image for themselves and often times, doing it that way can be even better for the reader than seeing a picture of it. Although, I think your picture made me a bit hungry for cake now lol. But yeah, that's my only advice. Everything else seems pretty spot on.

The story was a pretty good read. Well done on it. ^^

I'm also here as a judge for the Magazine Contest!

So, like Brittany said, I've skimmed through the first four chapters so I can get a real sense of what the story is about but I'm going to focus my comment mainly on the fifth chapter.

Miss Cynthia definitely reminds me of my gran. The whole part where she gets Sophia to repeat the question is definitely something I could imagine her doing and it made me giggle a little, so you've definitely got the startings of a fantastic character there. I love that she has this kind of sly and humorous side to her character, but still has this extremely loving side to her when Shania begins to freak out a little.

The little story about Shania's mother was heartbreaking. Shania was showing so much emotion when it came to Nathan that I knew that something had to be up so when I read that it made my understand why she's being so protective over Nathan. As well as that story, when Nathan started crying my heart was breaking. No kid should have to go through that and he must be so scared about it. I couldn't even imagine dealing with something that serious at his age. He should be out on his bike, not worrying about constant nosebleeds. My heart really does go out to him, it's such a shame.

The only error I could really notice was in But calling Zain, Dr. Malik was just odd, I don't think the comma is really needed before Dr. Malik. There are a few other instances where you've over-used a comma or two, but it really is minor and doesn't take too much away from the story itself. All in all, I was pretty impressed. Good work!

Hi, I'm Brittany a judge at for the Magazine Health Contest.

I was told only chapter five was entered into the contest, but you felt that reading from the beginning would have a greater impact, so I skimmed through the first four chapters. I have to say that you do have a way with details, though I would have to caution you to be careful about adding too much detail. (Although, too much and too little can sometimes be subjective.) Another thing, and this is just a person quip, but the white font on black background is pretty... hard. Especially on people's eyes, it may be a bit better to make the white a bit more of a grey-er color.

Anyway, onto the story. I hate to be a Mibba-rule stickler, but links aren't actually allowed in the content of stories, so it may be good to actually take out the link for the pastry. Though the pound cake does look delicious, it would just be better to describe the cake and how the glazes covers the soft sponge cake, instead of visually seeing it, you get a mental image which can also trigger taste, and make a person's mouth water.

I love Miss Cynthia's attitude, it's so cute and actually reminds me a lot of my own grandmother. Especially with offering food to almost everyone who comes into her house and then the not-so-subtle glances about what may be going on between two people.

I feel so very bad for Nathan, he's only a little kid and has to deal with such a serious condition. I can't say I know how that type of cancer works, but it must wreak havoc on the body.

Overall, I think you have a very good story with an interesting plot on your hands. There were a few grammatical errors where you needed to had a comma, but not anything that I think would stop anyone from reading or just another quick glance over will help. (I miss things like this all the time.) I also think you handled the cancer situation very well, and I like that you didn't go all the way over the top with it. You have a very nice flow to the story and a lot of details. Keep up the really amazing work!

Okay so first off, I had no idea who Zain Malik was, had to look it up, I'm not a big of one direction, or really any type of fan at all, but since the story doesn't focus on the band, it's easy to just get lost in the intriguing story and your smooth writing. At times I find Shania is a little too focused on Zain when she should be more concentrated on the passed out boy on Nathen, but at the same time I know that feel of being so attracted to someone from first sight. I'm really excited to learn where Nathan came from and I like that this story has an underlying plot that can take the wheel and drive the story for awhile while the romance takes a backseat. The story is really well written and I can't wait for an update!

@ nicky.nicky.nicky.
Thanx. :) It's not my first actually; only the first I've posted on Mibba.

Love it! Totally creative and interesting, and for your first story it's extremely good and very descriptive which I love. Keep up the good work, darling :) :) :)

@ Write.with.Love
Awe, that's perfectly okay! :D It happens to me, to everyone, it's always stupid when the layout wants to not do what you want it to do. But I really do like it. :D

@ always forever;
OOOOOhhhh wow! I didn't even notice that it looked like that. I spent like an hour working on this layout. Smh. But no worries, I shall change it. :) Thank you by the way.

Hello darling :D For your first story here on the site, you did very well! I love this, really, so far. I think the story you have to very interesting to start with. I just love the layout you have for this, it's extremely creative. They only thing I would suggest doing, is to make sure you put space in between your paragraphs, it looks more organized that way! But overall, wonderful job and update soon!

oxoxo.
Morgie