A Winter So Cold - Comments

You made me cry! Oh my goodness, I don't normally get all emotional when I'm reading anything other than Nicholas Sparks... but you made me cry! That's a huge compliment (Trust me!). I love the way you begin your pieces. You seem to always begin somewhere in the middle of the story (In this case its at the nurses station). I love the imagery you do with that showing that your narrator really doesn't come that often to the hospital. (Which is such a realistic touch). Your background is gorgeous.... It's official. I need to take lessons in writing from you! This is beautiful, and I'm so going to have to go read more of your work when I finish my Mibbamas giveaway! Well done, Poison!

The first thing I noticed when I was reading through the one-shot was the choppy sentences that disrupted the flow. I guess there were enough description but it could have flowed much better if the sentences were structured and positioned better. Some of the sentences were kind of redundant but that, in my opinion, was a stylistic choice that suited the story very well.

I think about our first date, about the night I proposed, our wedding, our honeymoon.
There should be an 'and' after 'wedding.'

Like glasswings said, this is very sweet but also tragic. I also did not expect the ending at all but I liked how you made the character reminisce after her death. You tackled a hard subject to write about yet you managed to pull it off.

One thing I recommend though is to proofread and try to fix the flow of the story.

This is very sweet, and very devastating. I was definitely not expecting the ending of this at all, yet you managed to carry it off in a very peaceful way. It's interesting, how you managed to make such morbid subject matter feel so natural.

I noticed at the very beginning of this that you had a tendency to start sentences with a pronoun, or to describe the literal motion rather than the journey, such as in "I follow her direction as I hear her footsteps fading away. When I arrive, I find the room number to be 345A. I program it into my mind, so when I come later I’ll be able to locate it". I personally feel this sort of style has a tendency to disrupt the flow of a piece and make it feel a little disjointed, and I think you can still have used short sentences here to create that sort of mechanical motion without using the 'I' - just something to think about. As the piece progressed I think you did find your flow, and after the first couple of paragraphs the writing became much more fluid.

The flashbacks to childhood and the demonstration of the depth of their love made for a very impressive amount of character development for a piece this length. I thought you did an excellent job of really nailing down their relationship, the importance of it, but also the main character in general. That familiarity is probably what made the ending so heart wrenching.

I noticed reading this, after reading some of your other pieces, that this was particularly lyrical. Some phrases in here really got my attention, specifically "Yet, here I am, three months later, staring down my ruin in its ugly face. Even in the perpetual summer of my hometown, I’ve never known a winter so cold." and "I think about how beautiful the water looks as the nose of my Impala turns down off the cliff.". The personification in this, the lovely simple sentences.. it really gave this piece a beautiful poetic ring that I valued a lot. Particularly that last one.

This is a very disarming piece of writing. Beautiful work.

First off, I love the quote in the summary. Gorgeous, to say the least. Your layout is clear and the story is well presented.

But wow. The ending. Tragedy at it's finest. It's beautiful, and the rushed, hurried thought process as he drove portrays his emotions wonderfully. The quick flashbacks are amazing, and it's a very well told love story.

Fucking damn. This is tragedy fiction beyond what I saw it to be.
I loved the description you used. And the words. Amazing word choice.
This feels like something I'd write, except I avoid first-person point of view.
I really loved this. I hope you continue to get great comments and feedback on it.

I like this story a lot! It was heart-felt C: