The summery just pulls you in. The first sentence is the most important thing for the story and I think your first sentence is a success as well as your first paragraph. The last sentence completes the chapter quite nicely.
Even though your paragraphs and sentences flow together nicely, this chapter still sounds a bit rough, but it’s just the beginning and it is spoken from a male perspective and I actually like it, because it reminds me of Jerome Salinger and „The Catcher in the Rye“ . It makes your character more realistic, unique; therefore I would suggest you to continue in the same way.
Another thing I loved about this story is the length of the chapter. If you want to get published you‘ll have to make them longer and stuff them with meaningless words and descriptions to meet the grand word count, but I think that‘s the reason why people don‘t buy books anymore and read online. I am not a lazy reader, but long chapters leave me confused, tired and they are hard to re-read. While this length is very much enjoyable and I can re-read it as much as I want.
Overall this story has its own charm and I like it.
Even though your paragraphs and sentences flow together nicely, this chapter still sounds a bit rough, but it’s just the beginning and it is spoken from a male perspective and I actually like it, because it reminds me of Jerome Salinger and „The Catcher in the Rye“ . It makes your character more realistic, unique; therefore I would suggest you to continue in the same way.
Another thing I loved about this story is the length of the chapter. If you want to get published you‘ll have to make them longer and stuff them with meaningless words and descriptions to meet the grand word count, but I think that‘s the reason why people don‘t buy books anymore and read online. I am not a lazy reader, but long chapters leave me confused, tired and they are hard to re-read. While this length is very much enjoyable and I can re-read it as much as I want.
Overall this story has its own charm and I like it.