Friday Night - Comments

  • hiwagang hapis

    hiwagang hapis (1550)

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    The first thing that came into my mind when I first saw the one-shot was the letter H in "hail Mary, forgive me." should be capitalized. Other than that, you could put the word 'since' in between 'statue' and 'he.'

    On the other hand, the flow wasn't really that good. The way that the sentences were structured disrupted the flow of the story, in my opinion. You could ask a beta reader for some help if you want.

    This drabble was great though! I really liked the idea - basically, the whole thing. Good job with this, by the way.
    January 4th, 2014 at 06:54pm
  • Dean Winchester;

    Dean Winchester; (100)

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    This is absolutely amazing!

    I love how you've created your own concept from the lyrics, so kudos to you for that!

    The layout and banner is also very good - it doesn't distract you from the content which is a good thing!

    King For A Day is one of my favourite songs, so I love this even more so :D

    Excellent job, definitely recommending this!
    August 1st, 2013 at 08:54pm
  • Miss_AnnaChan

    Miss_AnnaChan (100)

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    I really liked it and that's one of my favorite songs :)
    August 1st, 2013 at 07:50pm
  • k i w i

    k i w i (100)

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    The one thing I didn't care for was the use of the word pussy, but that's just me.

    The whole thing made me feel really anxious, you did a nice job setting the tone. The imagery you used was absolutely spot-on, especially the imagery you used to describe how the hair was whipping around. The way you wrote the words down really paints a picture of the guy falling down off of the bridge and into the water.

    I kind of feel that his jump was a little sudden, like it didn't flow very much from the previous conversation.

    Overall this was very well-written and it feels pretty tragic. I think you did a nice job.

    Thanks for entering my contest! c:
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:25pm
  • Fandango

    Fandango (775)

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    Holy almighty god in heaven whoa.
    July 19th, 2013 at 09:21pm
  • nearly witches.

    nearly witches. (15250)

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    I love this. It's so short, but there's so much packed into such a small amount of words. It's almost overwhelming, in a way. I don't know exactly what's going on, I don't know why Abigail and her companion are on the bridge and I don't know what happened to him after he jumped, but...I don't even know, I'm out of words to explain how I feel about this. I only see a handful of pieces that really affect me like this piece does. You've written it so beautifully as well, it's really eloquent and the comparison of his voice to wildfire at the end was absolutely stunning.

    I can't fault this at all. I'm all full of questions about what happened, but I think I like it that way. Great job!
    July 12th, 2013 at 09:30pm
  • losing control.

    losing control. (4250)

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    That was an incredibly intense story, especially for it being so short. Everything was so mysterious, you kept a nice layer of suspense through the story so we never knew exactly what was going on. Were they trying to kill themselves? Were they just jumping into some water? Ahh, I want to know everything about these people's lives but not at the same time, because it was such a great standalone story.

    The last paragraph was my favourite part, though. It was so powerful, but so simple at the same time. I like how you described the words as "burning like a wildfire". Very interesting.

    Overall, super well done! I really enjoyed this.
    July 11th, 2013 at 09:28pm
  • Louise Belcher

    Louise Belcher (100)

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    The last thing he'd said before he was out of my sight resonated in my ears, burning like a wildfire. "I bet you've never had a Friday night like this."

    That. Was. AWESOME. It kind of made me want a back story but at the same time not want one because holy moly mother of moly that was amazing. This is definitely one of my favorite things I've read on here Crazy
    July 11th, 2013 at 07:34pm
  • laredo.

    laredo. (100)

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    I really liked this because you captured an entire story in less than 200 words, but you kept an air of mystery. Was he pushing him to commit suicide? Was he simply bridge jumping? But the first line really got me, because it pulls the reader in immediately. I was like, "Woah" because I wanted to know exactly what he apparently didn't have enough balls to do.

    But this was fabulously written, especially with the fact that you wrote this in ten minutes? You go, girl~
    July 11th, 2013 at 06:03pm