Featherweights - Comments

I love to give constructive criticism, because writers have the opportunity to know what things they are doing right and what things they can do to make a story/ writing style better. I will give my comment purely on your writing style and the analysis of the elements you chose rather than pinpoint punctuation or grammatical errors that can easily be fixed with a proofreading manner.

First off, the image in the layout is very intriguing and unique. The summary quote itself gives so much tension and interest to read the story.
In the first chapter I really liked how you were able to use metaphor in order to compare her with the entrapment of her sickness. (The fish, the fishbowl were perfect insights to describe how she was feeling, while describing her sickness. Excellent job with that!) The descriptive words you use were valid, realistic and solidifying, specially to those readers, who are able to read between the lines, the deepest meanings and symbolism you used.

The interaction between her and her therapist was one that showed realism to the practice. There are a few doctors who help, there are others who are only interested in the money rather than the patient. Most patients will think that their problems are not been prioritized by the therapist, even though it might be only in their eyes. This particular format gave a truth to the plot and what she was going through.

In chapter two I like how you managed to portray the emotional effect her sickness involves her normal routine such as being in school. It is one of the major aspects of this eating disorder, and it is the most common cause of feeling self-conscious. She often thinks about how "fat" she is, and the judgments, she believes the people around her make.

The most shocking part in chapter three was the scenario, where she is looking in the mirror. By the way you describe what she sees, you let know that her image haunts her, and that is something she can't get out of her mind or heart. It is a high point of interest in the plot, because it makes the description vivid. I felt her pain within her thoughts. For me, this was the strongest part of this chapter. It is evident her family is dysfunctional, and it makes me think that maybe she doesn't have that family support she needs to overcome her sickness. One thing is for a mother to pay for her therapy sessions, and another one is to actually be there for her, and help her in ways that it is necessary for her to get better. This makes the plot even more realistic than before.

The following chapters are obviously recognition of the way this sickness takes over her daily life. Something as natural as a potential relationship will not be successful with her, because she will constantly think about how unworthy she is to men. It is sad, but in her eyes, true.

I really love where this story is going. You have a good and delicate way to write it. Keep up the good work.
So far, great piece.

So, I suppose I'll start with the things I'm not crazy about:
- The white fading glow behind the text box.
- When you use the word pass instead of something that makes more since. (i.e. I walked pass him. Try using the word by or something. It sounds better.)
- When you put lease instead of least.

Other than those few things I am rather fond of this story. The picture you chose for the layout is quite perfect if you ask me. I also like how you use the fish metaphor; it's very creative. I also like how you capture the essence of someone going through this so very clearly. I recall reading in the author's comments that some of these thoughts are your own... I do hope that you don't feel any of these things anymore if that's the case. I do understand what it's like to hate your own body and want to starve yourself, though I was never able to tell myself no to food which I am grateful for.

My favorite part: When Kyle tells her she won't see him again. I really enjoy irony.

[Sorry if this seem kind of scattered, but I commented along as I read. The --- is where I moved to the next chapter]

I loved the summary part. It was both poetic and intriguing, and it gave me an idea of what the story was going to be about (an eating disorder).

I switched over to the default layout because I found the banner kind of gross - but that's just me. I get that it's in keeping with the story, it just wasn't something I would like to keep seeing every chapter.

I liked that the metaphor in the first line worked really well for both her dealing with the eating disorder and her dealing with the psychiatrist. And I thought the description of the psychiatrist visit was pretty spot-on. Even if psychiatrists don't mean to come off as uncaring, that technique they sometime employ (to just wait until you speak), can really make patients feel that way, especially people who have trouble opening up.

I thought the bathroom part really set a scene; it was easy to picture that because the description touched a lot of the senses. But I was a little unsure of it - I think if someone is really practiced at purging, then they would be neater at it. I know that's a weird way to word it, but I just think that someone who's suffers from an eating disorder and vomits as a practice wouldn't be that messy. It took me out of the moment for a bit.

~ I think 'raping' should be 'rapping' - raping means rape.

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In the second chapter, I think you really drew a clear line of where Noelle's eating disorder stems from (at least in part), by showing how her anxiety fueled her negative body image.

“He can’t keep you hiding from me. You’re the only one keeping me alive. I thrive in you, without me you’re nothing.” - I found this line kind of confusing. It seemed more like the disorder/voice in the head was convincing Noelle that it needed her (You're keeping me alive. I thrive in you...), rather than the disorder saying that Noelle needed it (without me you're nothing). I just thought the statements were contradictory; I don't know if you meant it to be that way.

Even though it can be kind of overwhelming, I like that you make most (if not all) of Noelle's thoughts about her eating disorder, food, or her body image. I think it really drives home the point that it's something that consumes her.

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I think it was a great idea to do the mirror scene. It really gave the reader a clearer image of how Noelle saw herself. I thought it was interesting that even though there was a lot about herself that she hated, Noelle still found one or two things about her she was at least okay with. I think it shows that maybe she's not so far gone.

One thing I did notice was that even though Noelle was showing lots of negative effects of her eating disorder, she still had a full (and seemingly healthy) head of hair. I found that interesting because people who suffer from eating disorders (when they're not eating enough or purging) often have to deal with hair loss (or hair thinning). It made me wonder if maybe she hadn't been purging for too long or the eating disorder is fairly new.

I was a little confused at Mary Jane's relationship to Noelle. Did Noelle's mother re-marry and Mary is her new husband's daughter? Or is Mary Jane her half-sister, the two of them have the same mother but different fathers? I was a bit thrown because you spoke about an affair, so I wasn't sure if she was a love-child or something else.

From Noelle's initial description of Mary Jane, I was really shocked by how the chapter ended. With Noelle saying how close they were and the trust she had in her and then Mary Jane's actual behavior...it just didn't add up. I don't know if that's going to be explained later?

[I only got a chance to read through chapter 3. When I get a chance, I'll try to read on some more.]

Comment Swap

So I really like the metaphor of a fish bowl, it suits the character and it fit really well into the opening chapter of your story. You described it as being ignored though, which I have to disagree with. The idea of the fish bowl is that everyone can see everything, and they stare and they nit pick. They analyze and they gossip, which, in essence, is what she is doing with her body.

To be honest I get a bit bored reading and reading Ana and ED stories. I was a part of the ED diaries while it ran, and I think it's difficult to always be coming up with something fresh. Your story has a lot of "I can't's" and so on's, which is generally a big no no in writing. It becomes tireless and nothing interesting happens. So I was excited when she said yes to going to the party.

Mary Jane's character makes me laugh. Mostly because she's supposed to be boring, it's a classic character. Your Mary Jane seems like a bitch, and I have no idea why your main character would trust her. I get that she wants to be her, which is my mind, would make her the enemy.

What happened to Andy?

The party scene is a bit cliche. I sort of wish instead of Kyle now reaching out to her, she was reaching out to him. That she was pushing herself out of this funk for him, so he'd like her. Not that he is going to try and fix her, it's a bit over done.

Anywho, that's my advice. :)

Comment swap: I keep reading in this comments that your topic is common, I might not be such an active reading mibbian so maybe I just missed them all, this is the first I story I read with this paticular topic. so moving on..Very interesting story! Fresh, new, all of it. I am definitley going to follow this. The first person perspective is a good choice in my opinion. At the end of chapter one I was feeling so sorry for her. This ugly disease, yeah you got me to really care. Good Job.

PS. I love the inner voice. Talking to herself. You displayed it beautifully

I'm currently on chapter three, so bear with me.

Honestly, I love this so far. This topic is explored a lot on Mibba, but you bring more to the table. The metaphor for the fish bowl is lovely, by the way. The way you write keeps pulling me in to read more. I really do love this.

While the topic of this story is common, the way you have approached it is different and refreshing. I loved the way you used to fish bowl metaphor and this is also very well written and the layout is lovely too in a creepy sort of way. This is an excellent piece of work.

I really like this story, simply because it's not like all the other stories I have read about this sort of thing. I like how Noelle seems to be angry at other's for what they do to themselves, and how she see's it as wrong. I think that's exactly the sort of mindset someone in her position would have.

I like how she doesn't seem to feel all that sorry for herself, and she doesn't see anything wrong with the way she is behaving about her body image, it really hit's the nail on the head of what I have seen of people in her condition.

I also really like the incorporation of the 'fishbowl' effect, it's amazing how just adding something like that, it seems to have given this story an even more interesting dynamic, because you can actually see and feel the fishbowl, as you step into the character.

All in all, I find this excellent! The way Noelle is brought to life is seriously enchanting, and she is a well written character that you can easily identify, but still have trouble understanding. It's a beautiful harmony in my opinion.

I will deffinately be rec'ing and subbing, I look forward to reading the rest of it :D

This is really interesting. It's very dark, but the way you've written it makes it flow really well and the darkness doesn't feel like it's weighing down the story, if that makes sense.

I like how you use Noelle's voice inside her head almost as another character. It makes everything seem incredibly realistic, and helps me relate to Noelle a lot more. I also like how you use the fish in a fish bowl reference to show how Noelle feels, but be careful not to overuse it. It's a really interesting way to show how she feels, but if you use it too much throughout the chapter it loses a bit of that interesting feel.

I'm excited to see where this goes, it has a lot of potential!

Ooh normally I only read fanfics but the name of this caught my attention. It's really good so far, I love the way she thinks of herself as a fish, it's original and really different from anything else I've read.