Loneliness - Comments

  • DevilboyKyle

    DevilboyKyle (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    34
    Location:
    Netherlands
    It's true that this type of loneliness exists, and even though this was a common type of story, the way you wrote it is what makes it unique. I adore this piece. c:
    September 27th, 2013 at 02:59pm
  • Lady Nikki Nightmare

    Lady Nikki Nightmare (215)

    :
    NaNoWriMo 2015
    Gender:
    Age:
    31
    Location:
    United States
    I found the emotion behind this very strong, but in my honest opinion, I think you could have put a little more imagery to it. Like when you say 'when I looked myself in the mirror, I looked tired,' You could've done something like 'When I looked myself in the mirror, the dark circles were evident underneath bloodshot eyes,' or something like that... I personally really like this piece because of the emotion alone, and I may be wrong with the imagery...if there was a word count limit in the contest it was written for it might've been a little more difficult.

    My favorite part of the entire story though is the line, "I was nursing my sorrows alone, and I was sighing for pleasures long faded and gone." I like that line in particular because when I had my first real heartbreak I lived that line. It's strong and real and I love it.
    September 15th, 2013 at 03:36am
  • Goddess of Floyd

    Goddess of Floyd (200)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    22
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    I found this very strong and moving. I loved the way that you conveyed emotion in this, as the language was so meaningful. I do not think that these thoughts would be 'too much' for a sixteen year old girl to think - I think you did very well with the whole thing. One question that came to me as I read was about how exactly he betrayed her. It isn't really explained, but I'm not saying that as a bad thing. Sometimes, drabbles are there only to focus on the emotions that the person is feeling, and the situation is often irrelevant.

    My only negative point is that I had to re-read it a couple of times to fully understand exactly what was happening. But everything else about it was really good, and I liked reading it. Clap
    September 3rd, 2013 at 07:53pm
  • k i w i

    k i w i (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    26
    Location:
    United States
    The whole piece felt very disjointed and dramatic to me. I was very unsure of why the person was sad and lonely. The first couple of paragraphs lead the reader in one direction, but then it's revealed that her boyfriend cheated on her. Or betrayed her in some other way, or a combination. I feel like the beginning of this was very obscure and I had a hard time knowing what was going on. I also had a hard time reading this from a sixteen-year-old girl's point of view, it seems much more advanced than what someone that age would be thinking.

    I did like how you were effectively able to create a mood of sadness and loneliness. I could definitely feel those two emotions.

    Thanks for entering my contest! c:
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:12pm
  • a mimosa pudica

    a mimosa pudica (2200)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    22
    Location:
    Philippines
    Sorry for the late comment! It's no excuse to say that I'm busy but yeah. Sorry Anyway, let me go on commenting!

    Layout:

    I realized that the layout isn't yours. But that's fine with me because it still fits with the theme of the story. The photo itself was dark and sad which made the whole layout seem really depressing. I know that it's sad story but you should have an equilibrium between making this a sad story into a really depressing one.

    Maybe add something a little brighter to contrast all the dark and sad colors.

    Character:

    The girl was really a sad character. I've never read any dialogue in the story but it was the way you've described her situation that made the situation more clearer to the reader.

    Writing Style:

    You've made this somewhat poetic which I clearly love. You've ended the story with a really good rhyme that sets the mood for the reader. But sometimes you have to use other ways on how to end a story that could make the reader really impressed such as a question, a startling scene or anything else really.

    When I looked myself in the mirror..

    There was a grammatical error here. You're supposed to put at to make it when I looked at myself. It should be changed because it's the first sentence that a user would read and first impressions count.

    Overall:

    The plot was not original. It's somewhat the same thing that people read almost everyday but I do believe that even though a person may have the same plot as someone else, it's the way they've written it that would make their plots differ from each other. Even though the plot was not original, I do like the way you've written it. Cute
    July 20th, 2013 at 03:13pm