Victory March - Comments

I love me a good HP story, and I love ones that don't have Harry (or Hermione, Ron and Draco) at the center. So far I've only read the first chapter, but I wanted to comment before I forgot to.

You did a fantastic job of setting the tone for the story. Your descriptions were really well done and I really like how you used contrast. Like when you were comparing the house with the people inside. It was great. I also like how you've described Emmeline so far. We really get a feel of her as a character from the first chapter, which I always find kind of hard to do, but you did it really well.

You also set up a ton of questions to be answered, like what happened between Emmeline and Remus, and if Emmeline and Sirius were in a serious (HA ) relationship, or if they just kind of flirted every once in a while or what.

A few things I noticed, just because I like to be nitpicky:
Despite the houses deathly appearance, she could hear the liveliness of it even from the parlor.
"Houses" should be "house's"

From upstairs, coming from behind clothes doors, and especially from the direction Mad-Eye was leading her in.
I feel like "clothes" should be "closed"? Unless I'm just confused about what you were saying here.

"I'm not all that hungry, thank you," She said, glancing back to the table. She glanced back to the table, considering sitting down and giving her legs a moment to rest.
Having "she glanced back" twice so close together in this sentence felt awkward.

Her stomach was uneasy, and she hated the thought of having to face him with such a passion she shut her eyes, and kept them closed while listening.
I think there should be a period after "passion" and the comma after "eyes" should be taken out. Just to kind of keep the flow of the chapter going.

Anyways, well done so far! I'm excited to read the second chapter and I hope you update soon

First off, I love the word "balmy," so kudos for using it!

I think you did an amazing of setting the tone and showing how Emmeline was nervous to enter the house with just a few words. Fans of the series will already know what the house is supposed to look like, but even for those who don't, it's easy to imagine with your writing. I loved the contrast between the house's appearance and the merriment going on inside.

This is very well written, with a nice, serious tone, and the amusing sentences throughout helped break up the flow nicely- especially the one about Diddle and Doge. That made me smile.

I'm dying to know about the incident between Remus and Emmaline- I assume Sirius is involved but how? The description of Emmaline's heart thudding to the sound of footsteps is something I think almost everyone can relate to.

I do like the flashback to her Hogwarts days. She seems to be a nervous, shy person in general, which I can relate to. I agree with the other commenter about liking the parallel between being afraid to duel and ending up as part of the Advanced Guard. I think it's very real that sometimes we end up excelling at things we were afraid to try at first. I love the character parallels between Hermione/Bertram, Emmeline/Harry and Sirius/Draco, even if they were unintentional. It's nice to see Emmaline taking Sirius down a peg with disarming him first, especially with the mention of the way he held his wand.

Their first meeting started out as less than ideal, so I'm incredibly curious as to how they ended up from dueling each other in class, to occasional flirting, as Emme said, to not speaking as adults.

Please update soon!

Your writing is really quite good. There were a few mistakes I noticed, but they weren't really drastic. The way you progressed each chapter, I thought was perfect. You also did really well at intertwining her emotions in both chapters.

I wonder so many things. The few obvious ones being what happened between her and Sirius, and how exactly was it that she was apparently harmed by Remus?

Another thing I wanted to note was the almost parallel of her not being confident, about winning the duel/even dueling to actually being part of the Advanced Guard. It appears though as if dueling comes naturally to her, so being part of that must have just been a good fit.

It's too bad that there wasn't any more written, as it really was quite enjoyable to read.

I’m killing myself with all these Sirius Black stories I’ve been reading. I like how you took a character that’s not usually shipped with Sirius, because usually it’s Marlene McKinnon that people put with him.

And you’ve got me frustrated because I really want to know if Emmeline and Sirius had something before or did she just watch him from a corner when they were younger. AND I want to know what happened to her that Remus was the cause of. I figure it has to do with something with his transformation but what happened. Did she see it, was she just walking around the grounds one full moon?

This is why I don’t read Sirius Black stories. They frustrate me. I hope you update.

This is so good, please update!