Hospital for Souls - Comments

  • holli.sullivan.sykes

    holli.sullivan.sykes (150)

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    Hey! I'd like to thank you again for entering my story contest; you chose to have this story critiqued, so I've read the story and taken notes.

    First of all I'd like to say that the idea you're trying to get across is very clear. You do a good job of letting the reader know the point of your story, which makes it a lot easier to read.

    Personally, I tend to relate more to stories that have dialogue. But, that's only because I have a very short attention span; I seem to lose interest when nothing new is going on "visually," if you know what I mean. When there are no quotations, gaps, etc., it tends to look blocky the whole way through and it's hard for me to concentrate. However, this is not part of the critique, because it's mainly a "preference," not anything that you've done wrong/needs worked on.

    One thing you tend to do a lot: use run-on sentences.
    By "run-on" sentences, I mean that you use commas to separate sentences instead of punctuating them correctly.

    i.e. "All the bad I did to him, He sticked with me through everything, and how do I thank him?"

    There are a couple of mistakes in this line. For one, it's a run-on because it should be more than one sentence. The other error is that you said, "he sticked with me through everything," and used the wrong form of the word "stick." This sentence should actually look something like this:

    "All the bad things I did to him; he stuck with me through everything. And how do I thank him?"

    In the beginning, I noticed this error right off the bat:

    "I know I am starting to sound sick because by saying this it means that I'm not worried about how I would look, than seeing my husband but that's not it."

    This isn't only a run-on sentence, but it is a poorly punctuated one. For some reason, I don't have a clear idea of what you're trying to say. But if I had to guess, I'd think you were trying to say this:

    "I know I'm starting to sound sick, because by saying this it sounds like I'm more worried about how I would look, than I am about seeing my husband. But that's not it."

    Honestly, your main character sounds like the biggest asshole in the world, to me. I feel so sorry for Michael, because Oliver completely fucked him in the head. Though I like the idea of these two characters being very close, and in a secret relationship for nine years, it seems very far-fetched to me that they would be married. Especially if it was supposed to be a secret, because marriages are a part of public records (if I'm not mistaken) in most places. The same as deaths, divorces, and arrest records, marriages can be seen in court records by just getting on the city's website. I understand that this is a fictional story, but I'm just giving you my own opinion on what would've made this a better story for me to read Very Happy

    The storyline of this story is sensational, though. With a few quick grammatical fixes, this story could be amazing!
    October 30th, 2013 at 11:18pm
  • Eevee.

    Eevee. (100)

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    I really like this. I'm usually more into stories that have dialogue to break up the writing, but I honestly liked this. :) I'm not sure what else to say. (Mostly because I'm bad at this..) But I honestly liked it. It was something that I usually don't read, which was fun :)
    August 7th, 2013 at 05:00am
  • viralstorm

    viralstorm (100)

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    I hate that the word count fell short.

    This was really good, you're writing is incredible. Definitely gonna be looking out for your future work.
    Winners are posted, if you wanna check em out. Thanks so much for entering!!
    July 28th, 2013 at 09:59pm