The Waverly Boys - Comments

You're very descriptive, I can visualise everything, but I find that it sometimes detracts from the plot. You're writing style reminds me of Charles Dickens, long, descriptive and complicated sentences. Some of these descriptions don't fit in with the plot: " large fat tears" doesn't sound as serious as the situation. I love the fact you use intricate sentences, some people just blankly state whats happening and it bores me! This doesn't!

I like the plot, it's a very good idea and I like the different points of views, but maybe with more in each view, so it doesn't change over so quickly,maybe a chapter per view point??? xxx I really like this and I can't wait to read more!

I like your narrative, it's very colloquial and friendly and straight away draws the readers in. I could picture being told this by someone - your dialogue was that natural as a recollection. However, I think some of it detracts, ike the use of "FYI" (which I don't think you can actually have in a story on mibba? I think it would come under the no chatspeak rule) and "bro" and "v-card" kind of detract from the seriousness of this adventure - they are after all "in the run from Daddy Dearest" (is meant to be on rather than in?)

I would recommend that you do the point of view changes as separate chapters as to avoid confusion, and to give a cleaner effect to the story. I like the use of point of view swap though, it gives an even clearer picture of what's really happening. I'd also try extending your vocabulary, especially when it comes to your description, (eg the "large fat tears" really detracted me from the story, both are ugly words and both kinda outdo each others meaning so it has less impact)

Great work though! I wish you the best of luck with this story and can't wait to move onto the second chapter :)

I agree with airplanes__ on a lot of things but I think you have a good idea. I'm only on the third paragraph and it seems as though you're just telling your readers what happened instead of describing it. Just with the third paragraph you could have written a whole scene with dialogue and description of how Celeste got into the club. I have to admit that I'm not a fan of the way they talk, it just doesn't seem realistic to me. The name Avalaide seems very unique which I like. I like her story line much better, it doesn't seem so jumbled like the boys.

With this sentence: The next day, though it seemed like the same day to her, the first snow fall of the season covered the face of the sleepy hamlet of Galeslope, North Carolina, in a heavy quilt of icy down. I believe you should have written it like this: The next day -- though it seemed like the same day for her -- the first snow fall of the season covered the face of the sleepy hamlet of Galeslope, North Carolina, in a heavy quilt of icy down.

Also, you say the country turned 216. What country is this? North Carolina is in the US, yes but I don't think they had camaros in the year 216, you know what I mean. The US wasn't even discovered in that year lol. You could have another whole paragraph where you speak about the country and explain further what exactly is going on. The boys have powers, there's werewolves and vamps running around and now it's just sounding like a bunch of mythical creatures being thrown out into the first chapter. It's all very confusing for your readers.

I think that if you go back and slowly read through this, you'll see where we are coming from and even find places you could add more or even take out some things.

I hope this helps :)

Comment swap:

Honestly, first thing that jumped out at me was this huge run-on sentence.

"I and my little brother by about a year and four hours, Celestinus — one of the few things we had in common, other than the famous Waverly mane of flame-red hair, – mine had been a glossy mane of hair the had never been cut, that is until The Event; Celestinus' was a spiked pixie cut that try as he might, and believe me he did try his damnedest, he could never get to change another color other than its original auburn – the devilishly quick eyes – the left pewter, the right an almost white steely-blue – and the translucent porcelain skin, was that we hated, with burning passion, our Christian names preferring to be called Céleste and , respectively — were on their own now."

If you remove all the stuff in the middle, the sentence becomes "I and my little brother by about a year and four hours, Celestinus... were on their own now." which doesn't make sense. If you focus more on clarity of writing through short, concise sentences, your readers wouldn't be so confused and would stick with your story.

Also, the layout made it kind of difficult to read. White on black but also in the computer-type text is painful on the eyes.

Your writing style is filled with run-ons which makes it hard to keep reading, and the storyline seemed confusing too what with the random character names thrown in without proper introduction and not being able to distinguish the fantasy elements of the story.

Also, thongs?! LOL

I think once you focus on shortening your sentences to keep the story clearer, and explain your characters and concepts more, you'll have an interesting story on your hands. :)

Okay honestly, i liked it but there was confusion..... Most the time i could not figure out if they were guys or girls. And why they have boyfriends until you see them talking to their aunt. and theere was way to much spacing in it in my opnion.

For the comment, Merci. As for the confusion, what lead to your confusion? (I think this my be a case of style conflicting with clarity.) @ VeronaViridian

Hey There!

Your story is absolutely nothing like anything I've read in my life!
You did ask for constructive criticism, and thus, I am going to offer some . .
Well, at some points, the story generally takes a road into the lane of confusion.
When you switched from the boys' story to Avie's, it kind of puzzled me . .

"He then, fished out from amongst the detritus of the rubbish drawer the kitchen shears and carelessly hacked off my hair thereby breaking the one promise I had my late mother, Avaline, had made me swear to on her death bed. Then, the 300 lbs. man proceeded to kick the holy shit out of me 175 lbs. frame. I was pretty sure the fucktard would have killed if Célestine hadn't been there when he was."
It would be better if you could change some aspects of this whole paragraph, as it doesn't sound right (esp. the promise part.)

I sincerely hope this did help you!

Please do keep on writing!

~ Verona :)