Hey there! It's such a coincidence to find a fellow writer who writes stories based in Japan here at Mibba!
Though I don't read much shoujo stories, I felt that your story has some originality to it, judging from the summary you have put up. The plot for this chapter was great. Really loved how you portrayed Akina's frustration towards Ketsu throughout their interactions.
Now, for some pointers on your writing.
“For the umpteenth time, yes, I got it,” Akina scribbled the last few names before slamming the book shut, “I’m going off now that I’m done, the least you could do is to return this to sensei yourself,” she grabbed her bag and trudged out, giving a quick and sloppy wave. “Mm’kay, thanks for the help Akina-chan,” Ketsu ended his sentence with a teasing tone. - You should always start a new paragraph whenever a new person is speaking, which in this case, is Ketsu. It would be easier to distinguish who is talking for the readers.
There were some instances where your ellipses had two dots. Just keep a lookout for those when you are proofreading the chapter again.
Other than those, I think the formatting and everything else are pretty fine. Will be waiting eagerly for the next chapter.
...Oh yeah, love your drawings by the way, bery smooth and clean lines. You nailed the characters' expressions very nicely too. :)
July 28th, 2013 at 11:00am
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この恋は複雑 (This Love is Complicated)
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Though I don't read much shoujo stories, I felt that your story has some originality to it, judging from the summary you have put up. The plot for this chapter was great. Really loved how you portrayed Akina's frustration towards Ketsu throughout their interactions.
Now, for some pointers on your writing.
“For the umpteenth time, yes, I got it,” Akina scribbled the last few names before slamming the book shut, “I’m going off now that I’m done, the least you could do is to return this to sensei yourself,” she grabbed her bag and trudged out, giving a quick and sloppy wave. “Mm’kay, thanks for the help Akina-chan,” Ketsu ended his sentence with a teasing tone. - You should always start a new paragraph whenever a new person is speaking, which in this case, is Ketsu. It would be easier to distinguish who is talking for the readers.
There were some instances where your ellipses had two dots. Just keep a lookout for those when you are proofreading the chapter again.
Other than those, I think the formatting and everything else are pretty fine. Will be waiting eagerly for the next chapter.
...Oh yeah, love your drawings by the way, bery smooth and clean lines. You nailed the characters' expressions very nicely too. :)