Butterflies - Comments

  • Elephant PJs

    Elephant PJs (365)

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    I think the opening paragraph is very sweet, but really needs some re-working - just some proof-reading to make sure it flows better.

    The turmoil the narrator goes through is so real. That inner-struggle and the result of the bottling up is perfect. It's very human, and you pull it off with class. It's not just "I am not gay!" it's "I don't want to be gay, even though I know I'm in love with another man." So many writers on Mibba get it wrong.

    I really like this line "
    Even if the pain of the blade hurt me, I decided that I liked seeing my arm bleed instead of my heart." It's one of the better descriptions I've ever heard for why self-harm is appealing to those suffering.

    I do think you should've showed not told a bit more in the hospital - you had an opportunity for a really emotional, intense scene, but didn't take it, which was a bit disappointing.

    I do like how the narrator steadily gets better and all that's left is love. It was all very sweet.
    The last bit with his mom was a bit out of place I thought, but it doesn't really matter.

    This was pretty adorable and well executed - just do another check for grammar issues and the like.

    Good luck in the contest
    December 20th, 2013 at 11:50am
  • LoveForGiraffes

    LoveForGiraffes (100)

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    I really liked this story, I think the song lyrics worked well with your plot. Your writing flows nice and I like that too. A happy ending is always a plus, so great job :) keep up the good writing dear
    August 14th, 2013 at 09:47pm
  • Eevee.

    Eevee. (100)

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    That was honestly great. :) I just.. Ugh. I usually like stories with a lot of dialogue, but this kinda worked. (If that makes senses) The ending made me fairly happy; It was all cute and stuff! :) I liked it!
    August 10th, 2013 at 02:06am