Little Song - Comments

I'm also here as a judge for the Magazine Contest!

Honestly, I don't read these types of stories often so I wasn't sure what to expect when I clicked into the chapter. The first thing that struck me was the sheer amount of emotion that the narrator pours out. It's such a nice touch because it makes the story all that more personal and really does give us an insight into having to live with the disease that they have to live with. I like that you end on a positive tone, the only stories that I have read end in devastation, so it's nice to read about someone that manages to battle through and get there in the end. Your descriptions throughout were nice, not too much but not too little so really well done on finding a nice balance there. I liked that you showed all of the conflicting opinions of the others and how the illness affected other people as well as the narrator, because people often forget to mention the effect these things have on family and friends. It does just make everything all that more realistic and shows a sense of humanity to the whole thing. Humans are selfish, if they don't like or understand something they will shy away and you showed that by mentioning the narrator's boyfriend and her friends all pushing back after she began to have more meltdowns.

Like others have said, your sentence structure is a little choppy in places and it does affect the flow more than it should, but aside from that, I couldn't see any other issues. This was a really interesting little piece, so well done!

I can't say that I've read many hallucinatory type stories, but this was really amazing. I love how you have it split up into segments, it's like reading a lot when it isn't. I think that it is great that you were able to write in such a way that it was very believable. You didn't go overboard or too far into detail where I began questioning how realistic it was. Instead, you gave just enough for me to be able to see what is happening to her, what she thinks is happening to her, and then how the medicine effected it. I have a few friends who have a few health problems, and when they were on certain medicines that's how it made them feel too. They felt so empty and barely there. So, the content was great.

I’m talked it over with Dr. Porpora. This is the only error that I could spot, I believe I'm should simply be I, just a little bit of a typo. Other than that I thought that it was great, I think some of the full stops could have been changed up to allow a better flow, however I can also see how using full-stops in this kind of setting can also be beneficial as this is how the character is thinking, if that makes any sense.

There weren't many things that I could pick out to say that I thought could be changed because it was so very well done. Writing about someone's struggle with this kind of disease can be hard, because like I said earlier, people slip into too much details and makes it overbearing and unrealistic. You captured the disease great. Keep up the amazing work.

Brittany (a judge fro the Health Contest.)

Hey! I'm here as a judge for the Magazine's Health contest this month.

I really liked the idea of the story. Things like hallucinations are something used quite often in stories but everyone has their own way of portraying them, so I was rather interested to see how you would choose to portray the illness. I think you did a very good job of it. It was pretty spot on as far as the illness goes and I very much like that you didn't name the illness and kept it open to interpretation. It left the story with kind of this aura of mystery, you know? So it was very intriguing.

One thing I did notice about the story is that you use a lot of full stops instead of using conjunction words to combine your sentences. When you use so many full stops, it begins to make the story feel like you're listing out the character's actions and what is happening around them. It kind of breaks the flow of the story. Conjunction words can be hard to get down though. I would recommend playing around with them in just like a short snippet of writing to get the right feeling for them. Conjunction words can help a lot of aiding the flow of the story. As an example of, for the sentences Slowly, I lean against a wall and slide down to the floor. Covering my face, I rock back and forth, humming you used a lot of full stops (periods) and it sort of broke down the flow of the paragraph because it seems so choppy, you know?

Overall, I think the story was a pretty good read. The premise of the story was very interesting and I think you did a good job portraying the struggle of someone fighting with their inner demons. Good job on the story. ^^

Comment swap
I find the hallucinations very interesting. But you've made the mistake that most authors make. Too many sentences and not enough spacing. Instead of "I give up. Slowly, I lean against a wall and slide down to the floor. Covering my face, I rock back and forth," you could have: I give up and then, slowly, lean against a wall and slide to the floor, covering my face while I rock back and forth