August 7th, 2013 at 05:51am
First off, I really love your title but I definitely think you should get a layout. It adds so much to the story and entices the reader even more so :).
I feel so bad for her that she feels so out of place. I really like the line about how a blind person would even be able to tell; it really gives a realistic tone to how badly she really sticks out. I also really like this because it's usually the other way around. Usually it's the dark-skinned girls and boys who are the minority but it's cool that you changed it up here.
I really like the tone you have for this story, but I'm not a big fan of the really short lines that you make paragraphs. I highly suggest putting some paragraphs together and adding more body language and such to your great writing.
So far it's excellent!
A layout would probably add a lot more, but that's something I'm very unfamiliar with doing :)
You are very much right, I find it's usually the other way around 90% of the time. Which is why I choose to mix it around, because there's not very many.
I'll defiantly do less of short lines.
Greatly appreciate your opinion :)