June 26th, 2017 at 12:24am
I'm a big MCR fan, so I had rather high hopes for this story, in seeing how you use the song. I was not disappointed.
I love how the start of the next paragraph just crushes your opening. It's so strong, and bitter. The second person perspective is so powerful, and almost shocking in how brutally honest it is.
The stream of consciousness is natural, and is like a slap in the face.
Everything is so resentful, and the way that Nick is described, in how he could kill himself, is just, again, really powerful. This whole story is so emotive and raw. I absolutely love it. It's angst, and it's tragedy. You should be very proud of this.
I do think that the lyrics are unnecessary. It spells out too much. People who know the song, will understand, and those who don't, will still be able to appreciate the story how it is.
Good luck in the contest!
This was definitely a really sad piece. I’m not sure who the narrator was, but I could feel the frustration and anger towards Chad the entire time. It left me wondering what Nick meant to the narrator because it almost felt like an unrequited kind of love or something, like maybe the narrator was in love with Nick. The narrator was willing to understand Nick’s depression because it wasn’t selfish whereas Chad’s was. I understood the single-minded anger, like the reluctance for the narrator to understand that Chad couldn’t help it either since he was so lost in his own head. It just left me with a couple of questions, like I almost kind of wish that more of a backstory would have been given. Though the question that I want an answer to the most is if Nick really did get Chad’s name tattooed on his forehead? That’s more dedication that I would ever have or give, if that’s the case.
I do think that maybe you should break your paragraphs a little more. The entire second paragraph is this wall of text that almost reads like a run-on sentence, but I saw a few points where it could be broken up to better the flow of the prose. Same with the fourth paragraph. One of the best ways to know when to break a paragraph is if the train of thought is finished or not. For example, in the second paragraph, you could break it right here: To try over and over again to make something fantastic even when shit is thrown at us. Sometimes you just can’t take all the pain anymore. – Instead of putting these two thoughts in one whole paragraph—even though they’re similar—you could break into a whole new paragraph with “Sometimes you just can’t take all the pain anymore.” It’s a new train of thought on its own. This prevents you from having walls of text that get mildly distracting for a reader.
You also had a few glaring spelling/grammatical errors:
You simply can't bear with all the hurt in your little heart and you decide to do stupid things to relase the pain. You wouldn't think it would go farther than that. – In the first sentence, I think you meant ‘release’? And in the second sentence, it should be ‘further’ because ‘farther’ relates to physical distance whereas you’re talking about metaphorical distance.
You were so suck deep into your own mental peaceful garden that you didn't realize that every time you would look away, tears would sink down his face. – I’m not too sure what this sentence was supposed to be because of the bolded part? I don’t think you meant ‘suck’ but I can’t figure out what you meant either.
You came first because he was truely, madly, deeply in love with you. – Should be ‘truly’ instead.
And I agree with Elephant PJs about the use of the lyrics. I’m not too familiar with MCR, I’ll be honest, but the use of the lyrics seemed too excessive and definitely spelled out too much. I think I would have appreciated the piece more without them.
Overall, this was definitely a tragic one-shot with a lot of emotion so good job.