June 29th, 2017 at 09:56pm
Oh Gosh... I love this story to pieces. Honestly... this is the most real piece of writing I've read in a long time. You have such a subtle way of wording things that really gives away a lot about your characters, and I really love that. As warped and as troubled as it is, Charlie and Monica's relationship is really something special, and I think that it speaks true of a lot of sibling relationships. I have a feeling that something with happen to Charlie and that it'll be Ricky left helping her. Monica's so vulnerable and you describe her insecurities and her indecision about whether to tell her parents really well. You don't rush your writing or your plot and I think that that's amazing.
You're a very good writer! The only piece of con-crit I have is that sometimes where you put a comma you need a semi-colon. Otherwise... everything's perfect, and thank you so much for entering my contest. I hope you continue this story because you've got something very special on your hands.
This is such a good story! It’s well-written, the pacing is wonderful, and the way you write your characters and their relationships with each other is realistic. Within seven chapters under 5k words, I know that something isn’t quite right with Charlie, and I know that Monica herself isn’t completely normal and struggles with a lot of insecurity, anger, and doubt and that makes her vulnerable and scared. I love their relationship, as dysfunctional as it may be at times because it’s real. Like southpaw said, it’s not 100% love and getting along, but it’s not 100% fighting and hating each other. As someone with three siblings, I can definitely relate to their relationship and their subtle ways of expressing themselves. You’ve balanced their relationship perfectly and their juxtaposition is fantastic.
I definitely have a feeling that Ricky is destined to be something more in Monica’s life because I think something is going to happen to Charlie. I definitely feel like you’re foreshadowing to something tragic and heartbreaking that’s going to actually break Monica. And I think there’s going to be more to Ricky than Monica thought.
As I said, your pacing is wonderful. Your chapters are short, but the content itself is controlled in such a way that you would think you’d read double of what’s actually there. Your prose is simplistic but has a certain kind of sharpness to it that delivers honest emotions and interactions, so it definitely complements the story well. I do think that sometimes you use a comma where a period or even a semi-colon should be, but that’s really the only bit of criticism I really have!
Overall, this was a wonderful story that I really enjoyed reading.