Move Your Body - Comments

I'm here as a judge for the NC17 Only contest.

I thought the fact that you chose to not focus as much on the smut as the emotional connection of the characters was an interesting approach -- it's definitely different than some of the other entries I've read. However, I felt like the story was dragging a bit. The smut was more or less the point of the story, I guess, and it didn't really happen until the end few paragraph after a bunch of stuff that almost felt like fluff. Yes, we got to see the emotional side of the characters, but it felt quite repetitive and almost creepy how much the narrator was focusing on the really small details of Zacky. I'm don't think you meant it to be that way, but that's how it started coming off a ways into the story.

I thought the choice to write in second person was interesting and could have been great, but it missed the mark a little. Instead of feeling like I was the one in the situation, it felt very general and unrelatable because of the situation, and I just kept waiting for it to pull me in and it never really did. You also switched to first person for a couple paragraphs near the end and then went back, which really threw off the flow of the story. I thought it was a good idea overall, but it could use a bit of polishing up.

Thanks for entering!

This was deep. It wasn't insanely smutty, but still I liked it. I really felt like I was in Tom's head, feeling what he was feeling, and going through what he was going through. Just a really great depth of character for a onesie, so very nice job on that.

Zacky's parents definitely suck....um, yeah, they just suck.

Footjobs for the win!!!! I'm glad they just went for it, under the table with his parents right there. You built up the sexual tension nicely. When the two of them finally get each other alone, it's gonna be on like Donkey Kong

And I loved the little comedic twist at the end. Hopefully Zee's mom doesn't kill Tom.

Nice job, and thanks for entering the contest!