To Rekindle One's Innocence - Comments

I agree with much of what celestial_royalty had to say. I don't feel as if the title embodies the theme of the story. The last sentence was confusing for the same reason she mentions. I liked the imagery, especially in the first paragraph. You had some good rhetorical strategies, but some more could have helped make the story even more interesting. I didn't feel like the voice fit the character and perhaps, like celestial_royalty mentions, it seems too feminine. I also feel that you need to vary your sentence structure. For the first half of the story, I felt like it was the same structure over and over again. Use commas to extend and combine sentences. Have a really long sentence, then throw in a really short sentence. Lastly, though I enjoyed your strong characterization of Deckland, I wished there had been more characterization of Sean. I wanted to know more about him, why he ended up in jail, his relationship with his mother, just everything. All in all, these are all very subtle changes. Great job!

I saw this from the link on the contest- I was ensnared by the title, which is beautiful. I don't feel like it embodies the theme of the story though. A good life was rekindled, but not innocence. It didn't show Sean's mother's innocence being rekindled either, though it was implied. The final sentence was confusing, because it sounded like Sean was speaking to his mother, who wasn't present. I was shocked to discover that the main character was a man- the descriptions and point of view sound very distinctly female. A few things I would do to change that would be to take out the fillers, like "then" and "although". Females tend to use those types of unnecessary details and long sentences.

@ airplanes__
Thank you (:

This was definitely a good read :) Great story, with a slightly sad ending.