May 6th, 2016 at 06:30pm
Chapter One (the only one
)I like that you gave us back story and context as soon as we came into the story. You didn't just through us straight into the story without context, instead you set the tone and atmosphere really well. You can already see the admiration and love they have for the Queen already, just within the first paragraph, so you've definitely written the narration very well.
Everything happened back in 1892, when Lilith’s daughter, Faye ruled the North kingdom of the Underworld. - I believe there should be a comment after Faye as well!
I find that the interaction between the characters flows well, particularly between the Queen and the King. However, I think your descriptions sound a little awkward in places, so I think just revising the structures and wording of certain sentences could help make the overall one-shot flow a lot better. I really like how you've done the dialogue though! It fits the setting and it gives us some insight into the characters already. You can see the King is quite a happy-go-lucky person just in what he is saying and how he says it.
I will say that it is a little confusing, with the various Queens, the demons and the mind-reading. I think a bit more world set-up probably would have helped, just like subtly explaining the details throughout rather than just placing them there and expecting the reader to understand and go along with it. I also found the reveal that the main character loves another man strange, since honestly, I was under the impression that she was in love with the Queen - which is demonstrated in her body language.
You've really kept the theme of secrets quite tight. I find myself intrigued by the masquerade ball, wondering who all the guests are and such. You keep it elusive, but give enough detail that it keeps the reader hooked into the writing, wanting to know more about it.
“Leticia?” He asked. Um…. - It should be Um..., you've only accidentally added a full stop.
You captured the atmosphere of the ball rather well, I think. I can almost imagine being there with the characters, with all the dresses, the masks and the music. I also like how you captured the intimacy between the main character and the mysterious man, particularly when she reaches up to brush the mask, almost about to take it off but not quite.
The change from the dance to them talking about a sudden disease was... well, a little sudden. I think it could have been integrated a bit more gradual. maybe a fucio or a menad did it,’’ - I also have no idea what this is.
When we get to the part where we find the King and the Queen, dead and dying, I think you've made it rather rushed here. There's not much detail or thought process with the main character, unlike the beginning paragraphs where there was a lot of detail that built the scene and the characters. I found it easier to immerse myself when there was detail, but I think part gets a little rushed here.
trying not to make nay sounds - trying to make no sound
You could really see the emotion from the main character as the Queen was being attached and then dying. The scene was quick and rushed, I think, but you could definitely see the sadness and the desperation in Leticia as she tried to save her Queen and then ultimately failed to do so. You really reiterate the bond between the Queen and Leticia. Although this does almost imply that Leticia literally loves the Queen, but I know this is not the case either way.
she freaked out - I think this ruined the tone and mood of the one-shot, since it just doesn't fit with the setting and the previous narration at all.
I really liked the last two paragraphs of the first half. You can see the emotions and the conflict within the main character through your writing, which flowed really well in the final paragraphs. It really shows just how loyal the main character was to her Queen and how desperate she is to avenge her Queen's death.
as a couple blood red tears - it should be 'as a couple of blood red tears'
I, again, like the back story and context you give as we skip a year into the future. It was really helpful for the reader, and really interesting to see where Leticia had gone since her Queen had died a year ago. I like that we get some more information on Lilith as well, since you did mention she was the Queen of the Underworld at the start which I find very intriguing. However, you still haven't explained what a 'menad' is, so I'm still a little confused as to what they do and what they are.
Queen Lilith’s black hair made her look like a raven and her eyes had turned completely black, even her pupils. The veins in her hands were black and vivid, fueling her rage even more for her murdered child. - I really like this description, I thought it was very neat, but I think the word 'black' was overused in these two sentences to the point it did sound awkward. However, the description is very vivid in itself.
On 1892, - it should be In 1892
I like the kind of red herring / foreshadowing you put in with Darius. I can already guess that he must have been the man she danced with at the ball. I appreciate that he has come back into the story (if I'm right), since I was wondering where he had gone and what his purpose would be within the story.
‘’You know why‘’ I said with a grin There should be a comma before the speech marks
I actually like Nexus' character. I think he is rather smart and has every right to be angry with being the hitman, since it would only be him putting his life in danger. I don't think it was really fair to Leticia to essentially blackmail him into staying and doing the job. I like that you've written the characters multi-faceted, they aren't all good and they aren't all bad, which is a really nice touch and builds the characters well.
The narration suddenly switched and I found the change rather awkward. We seemed to switch from Leticia in the first person, to following around Nexus in the third person. I liked seeing his part of the story and seeing the inner conflict with himself as he needs to kill someone but doesn't want to, but the shift to third person and then back to first person was just a little awkward. I wasn't really sure if it was Leticia watching Nexus doing this (and if so, from where?) or if we had literally switched to complete third person instead.
I closed my eyes and he came in front of me, he stood there with his fingers covering my eyes and I was able to see through his eyes what he was seeing last night. - The word 'eyes' is overused a lot in this sentence, I'd consider switching out with a different word, maybe 'orbs', or just revising the sentence entirely.
I loved the description of Carina's dress, she really does sound rather beautiful. I think you overused the word 'black', but other than that the description was very vivid and engaging.
Cedric's introduction was too sudden for me, I just can't see the connection that Leticia and Cedric have at all, considering he has only just turned up. I think introducing him far earlier would have been helpful, unless this is actually the man behind the mask and not Darius? I just can't really get into the relationship they have, since it was introduced too late in the story, to be honest.
The ending was very abrupt and left a lot of questions unanswered.
Overall
I think you definitely portrayed your character very well within the story, you could see the huge connection and you put some interesting twists on there, such as the Queen being the focus of the story but not the narrator. However, this one-shot was very confusing and important plot points were brought in too suddenly for my liking, as well as characters. There were a lot of unanswered questions as well, such as who was the guy at the masquerade at the start? When did Caius actually die? Otherwise, it was a good piece, I think it just needs some revision.
This is beautifully written and really gets to the reader emotionally. I really loved reading this. Good job! 
I want to point out that the layout hurts my eyes a little bit because of the contrast of the red text against the black background. It’s not advisable to use this color against a black background because they don’t mesh well together, per se. The red text is similar to having neon colored text against a black background. I suggest having a much more reader-friendly layout wherein a simple white text against the black background or black text against a white background would suffice. Although white against black or black against white is better, I suggest using a soft red with a white background if you want to keep using red-colored text.
Crimson loyalty seeps from my fangs, so they shouldn’t waste their un-precious time… yet they did, and I lost the one I treasured the most.
Next, the short summary or description is off-putting to me because of the way it is worded. I know that English is not your first language but I’m not a native English speaker either so I completely understand the hardships of learning the language, especially with all the rules and stuff. But yes, the short summary is off to me because of the un-precious. While it’s definitely okay to have a prefix, there are plenty of antonyms for precious and one of them is worthless.
I also took note that you didn’t really finish the sentence, and instead opted to use an ellipse. This is totally fine but it makes me ask the question: shouldn’t waste their time doing what?
In summaries, there are only a few ways you can convey the meaning of your story without being too vague or too wordy. You don’t have to throw everything in the summary. You have to leave some to the reader’s imagination so that they will be curious to read your story. While your story already touched upon that said vagueness, it’s too vague for me. I know you mentioned loyalty but what about it? You didn’t mention it in the summary.
The next thing was the dialogue. You mentioned that the story takes place in 1887 yet the dialogue is somewhat far from it. I’d recommend reading books from the 17th century like Jose Rizal’s Noli Me Tangere (if you want to see how colonies of Spain speak and is also translated into English), Oscar Wilde’s Canterville Ghost, and Arthur Conan Doyle’s A Study in Scarlet.
In line with this, you mentioned that the waltz is a fast and passionate dance. I completely disagree with this. The waltz is done fast, yes, but that depends on the kind of waltz. The Viennese waltz is a fast dance unlike the slow waltz. It’s not passionate, in my opinion. Perhaps it looks passionate because of the closeness of the bodies but Paso Doble and the Tango trumps it in passion. Both of these dances are done fast, rhythmically and passionate. Most of the formal dances are not passionate enough unlike the Latin dances.
Other than that, I think you moved too fast. The plot – I’m sure it was there – wasn’t clear enough to be distinguished. The scenes were all jumbled together and it just jumped from one place to another. In order for a story to be good, the transitions between the scenes should be smooth in order for the readers to distinguish where the problem arose, how it was resolved and how the story will end. In addition to that, it was too much telling rather than showing, in my opinion. Anton Chekhov once said, “Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.” Showing, rather than telling, is very important in stories because this fleshes out the whole story. Forming a great setting and proper fleshing out of characters are some characteristics of a good story. With telling, you’re just dropping the bomb on us, per se. As readers, we want to think, interpret your story in our own words and we can’t do that if you just tell us what the story is about.
Overall, proofreading this story again is significant to its progress. According to the Writing Center of the University of Wisconsin-Madison (2014), proofreading means “examining your text carefully to find and correct typographical errors and mistakes in grammar, style, and spelling.” In the site, which I’ve provided the link below, there are some tips that would be helpful to you. Moreover, I think that revising your plot is a wise idea. Forming a much more tangible and concrete plot would help in identifying your story among others, making it distinct, etc.
Of course, the things I’ve mentioned above aren’t because I want to offend you. As a reader, these are the things which I’ve taken note of. I hope you don’t take offense to it. As mentioned, the aforementioned points are up to you to take note of yourself.
Sources:
https://writing.wisc.edu/Handbook/Proofreading.html