Immortal Kiss - Comments

I’m here to judge for ‘Ermergerd, a Fantasy/Sci-fi Contest!’

The concept of this was really interesting. I was definitely intrigued by Ophelia’s attitude, but mostly in her strange relationship with Christian. Especially the way their relationship seemingly tipped entirely upside down in chapter seven and eight. Though by chapter nine, I couldn’t even figure out if any of it had actually happened? I couldn’t figure out if Christian had messed with her the moment they killed the twins or just from that morning because you weren’t very specific. Then chapter ten was just weird. Their relationship is just all over the place, isn’t it?

Ophelia’s idea of humans is definitely amusing, but it also made that moment in chapter one seem out of character—the one where she got flustered because she was newly turned and hadn’t entirely let go of her human side. She was cold, calculated and confident for the duration of the story. She seemed pretty easily detached from humans overall. And what with her studying humans to become more like them again, it was just a strange moment. It felt like you started writing Ophelia like she still had human tendencies, but you changed your mind by chapter two.

I definitely agree with others about how long the first four chapters were drawn out. You could have definitely combined them into at least two chapters to maintain the pace the rest of the story has. Plus, it felt kind of pointless considering they don’t even play a big role. You spent so much time introducing them and gave so much detail to Ophelia’s ‘game’ with them that it seemed rather… anticlimactic that they died anyway. I think, in your attempt to focus more on how Ophelia goes about getting what Christian wants, you accidentally fixed onto the twins too much and developed a focal point on characters that didn’t even matter.

I know I’ve said this before, but I do feel like your prose was a bit choppy and could use some more detail to maintain a good flow. Other than that, this was an interesting story with a unique concept.

The pace of this story felt a little odd to me. The first few chapters felt very dragged out, like they could have been combined into two instead of four and we would have gotten the gist of what was going on. Considering that the twins just ended up dying and not being turned or anything, I felt like the beginning of the story was really focused on them for no real reason? I get that Ophelia was trying to study the humans because she wants to remember what being human is like, but if that's the case I think you could have focused on their mannerisms and personalities a bit more so we really got to see what Ophelia would have been focusing on, in my opinion.

The relationship between Christian and Ophelia is interesting. One thing that confused me a bit was how you used "master" and "maker" interchangeably. It definitely could just be me and the fact that I see those as two different things, but it made me a little confused about the intricacies of their relationship. Like what exactly is Ophelia to him, someone that he turned, or a slave? It is a very interesting relationship to read about though because there are so many different ways it can be interpreted.

Overall this is an interesting story, good luck writing the rest!

Hey, here as the new judge for the "Do Whatever You Want" contest!

I've actually read and commented on this before but I can't remember just how many chapters were posted or I read back then, so think of this as a new opinion!

To be honest, the first four chapters feel a bit dragged out. The beginning of the first chapter is fine, but then you have the second half and then three more chapters that cover Ophelia's attempt at getting the twins for Christian. Considering the timeline doesn't seem to be that long, the number of chapters feel a tad excessive.

Once she gets them back to Christian the pace does pick up which, in a way, makes up for the drag of the beginning. I'm not sure what to make of Ophelia and Christian's relationship, though. Her thoughts make it out to be one of just maker and servant but then actions seem to contradict and then we get chapter seven which throws that out the window. Whether it's intended to contradict - after all, thoughts are entirely personal and very biased, even in the best of times - or not, I'm not sure, but it's very noticeable.

I'd thought the twins would have survived and been turned so it was a nice surprise to see them killed, even though Mercy was definitely the one I'd thought would survive. Not so much her sister, though.

I like when vampires are made to be seductive, so I like that about Ophelia. The pacing of the chapters is my main criticism and the seemingly complex relationship of the two is my favourite of this.

Oh, goodness please continue writing! I'm really loving this story and wish I could read more! <3 (:

The short chapters really make this such an easy read. I think after the twins are brought back to Ophelia and Christian's apartment that the speed picks up a little too quickly, though. I can understand why they slept together, but the fact that they appear to go all soft for each other immediately after the fact reminds me of teenagers--they have sex and suddenly they're in love. There was the next part where it did go a little further into their emotions and what sorts of things they feel, so it could just be that I'm not digging deep enough into what you're trying to portray. The layout is simple and appealing, as are your descriptions of scenes, and this is very well-written all around.

I just had to drop a comment about this story's layout. It's beautiful. Like, seriously, the most gorgeous layout I've ever seen. The banner, the color combinations, the background, everything is utter perfection. So, yeah, bomb layout!!!

hi! sorry it took me awhile to reach your story! i still need to do a bit of studying!

anyway, i really enjoyed your story! i'm just up to chapter 2 right now, bc i wanna give other recs a read as well. i'll definitely go back to this later on. i really love how you didn't explicitly say that she was a vampire in the first chapter, but everything she does, and her interaction with her master implied so. your physical description skill is awesome! i can tell how sexy and seductive she is already just from the little perks that you made her do.

what i love the most though, the fact that at first, she appears to be submissive to her master, yet her actual personality is quite blunt, especially when she talks to the humans. haven't read many vampire stories, but this is certainly a very good one!

i'll take another while to check out your other stories, if you don't mind? there are still two other authors that recommended me their stories, i wanna give their works some read too :)

To be honest, I'm a little confused about what the game is. But this is still really good! Update soon, yeah?

I adore this story, and the fact that it keeps getting better and better has me hooked. Write more soon, yea?

Holy crap, dudes, this is intense. This is so intricate; like at first it doesn't seem like anything's moving but then you realize how much straight up detail you've just consumed and how much it changes the scene. It's quite difficult to do, but I must say it seems like you've mastered it. I'm going to have to get nit-picky with this one because it simply is very good. The main thing that I noticed that doesn't sit well with me in this is characterization. Nine chapters in, I don't have a very good sense of any of your characters. Don't get me wrong - there are definitely good moments of characterization, particularly with Ophelia. Maybe it's because this isn't necessarily a person-centric (let's pretend that's a word) story; rather it focuses more on the scenery. It's not a trade-off, and one thing isn't necessarily better than the other. It's just an observation.

I don't have much knowledge about how gangs work, but the scene where she initially gets 'invited' seems very off. Maybe it's just my lack of experience. I'm not sure. I feel like people don't just casually get asked to be in gangs though. Then again, I don't know how serious Maria and her friends are concerning it either. Oh well. That was the only (possible) logical flaw/flow problem that I found while reading this, however. It generally feels comfortable, although exciting, to read. There's something about the style that is very casual- although not elementary or simplistic, which can feel annoying to read - it just feels natural. At least to me. Maybe once or twice I had to double back and read something to make sure I understood, but I think you get my point about how it feels to be reading it.

The world itself is very interesting to me. And I can't wait for more of it to be explained...for instance do the humans know that vampires do actually exist? Do they think that angels really do? I'm generally not very big on supernatural stories for that exact reason: you have to be willing to commit to creating your own world when you write like that. A lot of people aren't, but you accomplish that very well. It's developing, but it's also not so intricate and head-spinning that it becomes exhausting to read. It's very well balanced overall.

That's another thing: the general syntax. The balance is quite well executed. I noticed quite a bit of parallelism in your writing, as well as the general balance of dialogue versus action versus setting the scene. That kind of balance is very soothing and pleasant to read, no matter what the content. It can also be very difficult to achieve, particularly where scenes with action such as the final few in this currently are involved. It's not so graphic that it's uncomfortable, but I can picture and grasp what's going on very clearly in these scenes. Overall, this is a very well put together story and I cannot wait to read more!

I've read to chapter 3 and my thoughts so far is that I don't really understand Opelia that much yet. I get the feeling that she was a very shy human but now that she was a vampire, she's more assertive and edgy and I like that. I like her being flirty at the bar.

Gliding over, I wrapped my arms around Maria quickly and whispered in her ear, ‘’you think I’m an angel? You don’t know how wrong you are.’’ Maria was inwardly freaking out thinking about how I was hugging her so erotically and in front of her sister no less.

A new paragraph should be started when there is dialogue and you should capitalize the Y. Also, this story is in first person told from Opelia's POV so in no way should we (the readers) be able to know how Maria was feeling on the inside when Ophelia put an arm around her. You should probably change it to Maria looked liked she was inwardly freaking out... or something along those lines. It's really confusing.

I'm curious to know what's going to happen between the girls. Also, if her master is going to be upset she's taking so long. OKay I'm going to finish reading now
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Chapter 4:
‘’Vodka tonic,’’ Mercy said and the bartender replied saying, ‘’on it!’’

"On it" should be a new paragraph since it's dialogue from another person and the O needs to be capitalized.

‘’Mine as well.’’ She replied before Maria and snatched her away for a while.

That and should be there I think.
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Chapter 5:
Maria smirked at her sister before she said, ‘’you mean she’s a good fuck.’’

Y need to be capitalized

’But the thing is,’’ I started saying as I played with the side of his shirt, ‘’that you haven’t.’’ I grabbed my drink, emptying the glass in seconds. Leaving the empty glass on the counter, I turned to walk away.

You need and ellipsis (...) before "that" and after that dialogue is over the next sentence should be a new a new paragraph.
--
Finished:

I notice just a few more capitalization errors but you get my drift with that. Can be easily fixed.

All in all I really like this story. It's progressing a little slower that I would like but it's good with character development. I feel like I understand most of the character personalities so far. Is it just me or are the twins starting to grow on Ophelia in that last chapter?

I want to know more about Vienna and what happened to her. I kind of understand what kind of person her master is but I also want to know they're story too and I curious to see how he's going to react when they finally get back to her home.

You've got a good thing going here! Keep it up :D

This is so differentfrom all the vampiric stories I've found on here and other sites, and I adore the complexity of Ophelia. I can't wait to find out more about her master and how both of them play with humans.

I really like how you still manage to pack as much description into these short chapters, it's really great! Ophelia seems like an unusual character - on one side, she seems to have this wonderment for humans that obviously stems from being recently turned, but on the other hand, she's got this raw need for the humans to come with her so she can please her master. It's a really interesting conflict that I think is going to cause some issues in the future, which I think would definitely be interesting to see! She's also got this really sassy attitude that comes across really well with the way that you've written her actions. Everything just fits together so well and I'm really excited to see how you continue on with her character. I know little about her now, so I'd love to see some more character development throughout the story itself as a whole but then again, you've only written a small amount so far so I can't really say that it's a big issue!

All in all, interesting little plot. I look forward to seeing where you go with it!

I came across this story a while back, but I was never really able to keep up with it. Now that I've read it all again, I remember it more. The new updates were just as good as the rest of the story, which I loved. I still stick by all the points that I said in my previous comment that I put a while back, but most of those were positive anyway. Nice work, and I enjoyed revisiting this story

First things first. The layout. It fits with your banner quite well and from the story and the summary it fits with the concept of it. It's beautifully set out and I found it easy to read.

The contents. Now that's the best thing about this whole thing. You've gone for a short style, which is straight to the point and it keep your readers wanting more. You've painted a fantastic picture for your main character but I do think she's needs more of a mystery to her.

As with a lot of your work that I've read your grammar and punctuation is on point which is something I'm really picky with when it comes to original fiction.

I will admit to you that I rarely read anything to do with vampires. Most vampire stories, especially slave/master ones, never seem to catch my attention or keep me wanting to read. I usually get bored of them, but this is different. It's grabbed my attention and I really already want more of this story. It's another great piece of work by you and it has so much potential.

I've subscribed to this because I want to see how this story works out. Keep up the work and great job! :)

This is very well written as well as easy to follow. I enjoyed the fact that your use of vampirism wasn't such an in your face fact instead you weaved it in as a detail.

I think the part with Damian being weirded out and disgusting was pretty funny since the twins and Ophelia seem over-erotic and not scared at all about interacting with each other, which really would make it fun for Ophelia, even with the snippets she makes about humans in her thoughts. I especially liked the, "The young man could wait till tomorrow to become my lunch"

I think the part with Damian being weirded out and disgusting was pretty funny since the twins and Ophelia seem over-erotic and not scared at all about interacting with each other, which really would make it fun for Ophelia, even with the snippets she makes about humans in her thoughts. I especially liked the, "The young man could wait till tomorrow to become my lunch"

You might actually get me to like vampire stories again.

Sorry for the late mibbaween delivery, but since this is a bubblegum, I'll be around here until the completion!

First off, I really like the way the chapters are split off into something very easily read. They have perfect cut offs and initiations. I love the characterization of the twins, you didn't go into rambling backstory, and that's a huge +1. A little more description wouldn't necessarily hurt, but what you have now is working well.

And may I add, I absolutely love the way you portray humans from the vampiric perspective. The way you portray humans as people completely controlled by emotions is rather comical. I dig it.

Update soon :).

I really wonder what will her master do when she's back home with those two girls. o.0