Broken - Comments

  • Tipsy.

    Tipsy. (100)

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    Now this one piece I simply loved. Especially the dog part. It was simply adorable. A sweet story, can't help disliking the girl. She could've atleast given us a reason Sad
    But a very beautiful story overall. Mr. Green
    March 26th, 2014 at 06:23am
  • a mimosa pudica

    a mimosa pudica (2200)

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    Why Do I Love You? Contest

    I finally read your story wherein the girl was at fault here! I’m glad to have seen the two sides of the coin. You did actually well on both sides. Bravo.

    I would have liked to know more about what happened, though. There was little for me to go through but I guess that’s what relationships are like. It’s deep when it comes to falling in love but sudden when it comes to break-ups. I felt really sorry for the guy.

    The first few paragraphs were not as enticing as I wanted them to be. It felt like an ordinary break-up which can sometimes be a little uninteresting to read since there are so many prospects that go through the same situations.
    But it was the last few lines that stuck me the most. Yes, the last few lines that truly made my heart melt for the guy. The girl was actually a pain but it was his point of view that surely brought me down.

    I didn’t know what the image in the layout meant but soon after I read the story, I understood it perfectly. Just like the users below me, I loved how you interpreted the image and how you were able to deliver it.
    January 6th, 2014 at 10:39am
  • DarkestStorm

    DarkestStorm (335)

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    I love how you interpreted the picture for the story. That's pretty original. That opening line is just…amazing and makes me want to read more.

    I like your description and how you explain the memory. Ah, premonition at it's best with the sentence ending in "I had a feeling it would start raining soon".

    You may change "the leash" to "a leash" since the readers don't really know what it's a leash to (obviously a dog but…). That's just a suggestion since there's no mention of a dog yet. You might change "on her lap" to "in her lap".

    I love how your main character tells the girl she's beautiful today as well. It's like he tells her that every day and it's sweet. You may change "on why…" to "to why".

    I think you might want to change around how you describe her eyes just because first her eyes go from being cold, to having a sadness and then ending up being kind. If she's upset I don't think her eyes would look calm.

    What an ending. I like how the picture comes into play at the end and how the dog plays with the rose.That's so sad. The guy is totally in love with her and she just leaves...

    She doesn't even tell him why she has to go. I feel it was kind of sudden to buy her a dog though. I like how he didn't really realize he had been broken up with until minutes after it happened. I also like how it was raining like he thought it would.

    I'm not sure if you intended the main character to be a guy in the story but that was sort of how it read to me....

    This was done well.
    November 22nd, 2013 at 09:00pm
  • cosmic pixel

    cosmic pixel (100)

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    I love the descriptive imagery in this. It made me feel like I was the one getting broken up with, and the other thing that I really liked was the fact that the sex/gender of the character narrating isn't specified. I personally found it easier to relate that way, I wouldn't have if you had specified the character was male.
    Animals can sense emotions in humans, so the dog responding was a nice touch. However I'd be interested to know if there's any significance as to why she got her a dog? Was she particularly fond of them, was it symbolic to something, or just something that felt right as an anniversary gift?
    Overall, great job.
    November 22nd, 2013 at 07:27pm
  • Synful Cocktail

    Synful Cocktail (100)

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    This was so emotional and so well written, I think I shed a tear for the guy. Poor dude. I really loved how it started to rain and just, it was all so good! I loved it.
    October 1st, 2013 at 03:03am
  • DevilboyKyle

    DevilboyKyle (100)

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    Oh gosh, why did she leave him like that? So sad. Cry
    Nice one.
    September 27th, 2013 at 02:39pm
  • lumy.

    lumy. (100)

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    The layout is great. It isn't too complicated or too simple. I like it.

    I enjoy your writing style. It's simple and easy to read. There weren't too very many grammatical errors, basically just the dialogue thing which has already been noted.

    As for the plot, I found it pretty realistic. I definitely feel for the dude. Heartbreak is the worst. I think for a drabble, this was great.
    September 16th, 2013 at 01:24am
  • Verona Viridian

    Verona Viridian (200)

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    Hello! Wink

    I am loving the layout, as it is quite simple, yet attractive as well. It does pull the reader in, as it is the only focus at the first look is the photograph. Now that I've finally read it, I know that it was your intention to do so. Good job with that! Very Happy

    Aww . . I am really feeling for the guy there! We've all had some kind of heartbreak some time in our lives. . . I admire the fact that this story has a bit of reality entwined into it, as we all know that life isn't some fairy tale, no matter how much we yearn for it to be.

    Hmm . . With that being said, the thing that I noticed that was weird that wasn't stated in the previous comment was this excerpt from your story (colored in purple).

    ‘’I have to go.’’ Were the next words that left her mouth as she got up and walked away with steady steps.
    I don't think it's entirely appropriate to start the sentence with 'were' unless it's a question. Um . . . may be you could say, 'Those were'.

    One more thing that I noticed was the omission of commas at certain points when 'and' was used as a conjunction. There should be a comma before 'and, but, & or', when they are used as conjunctions.

    I hope this helped you! I adore this drabble/one-shot. Clap
    I haven't tried many drabbles, but am a great fan of one-shots, as the feelings insinuated by such few moving words are quite admirable!

    Hope you do keep on writing . . .Bye

    ~ Verona :)
    September 12th, 2013 at 04:38pm
  • nearly witches.

    nearly witches. (15250)

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    I'm here judging the Drabble Away entries! Cute

    Your layout is very simplistic (I love that you've put all of the emphasis on the photograph and used a simple background to accentuate it) and although the white hurts my eyes a little bit, it does the job it's supposed to.

    In all honesty, I hadn't a clue how you would interpret the photograph. It leaves the imagination open quite a bit so I was really excited to see how you'd weave it into your drabble. I'm not usually one for romance, so I was quite glad (as cruel as that makes me sound!) to find out that the drabble didn't have the happy ending I expected when I was reading. Your characters seem well thought-out, I like that you have the first part of the drabble talking about how the narrator was sure that their girlfriend would love the gift and then have her say that she needs to leave him. It's quite an unusual thing to read about because most romantic drabbles I've read about end happily, so I was almost glad that this drabble breathed a little bit of fresh air into the mix and had it ending with her breaking up with the narrator.

    Your style of writing is really simplistic yet poetic and I really like that. It's easy to read, you portray all of your points well throughout and you have a very nice balance between your description and dialogue, which makes the piece very pleasant to read from a writing style point of view.

    Grammar-wise, I only noticed one thing that would need changed. In both of these pieces of dialogue:

    ‘’This is your gift for our anniversary my love.’’ I said

    ‘’I can’t be with you anymore.’’ She stated

    ...the period at the end of the piece of dialogue should be a comma and in addition, She should be she. Aside from that, I didn't see any other issues with spelling or grammar!

    In conclusion, I thought that this was a nice way to interpret the photograph and I really enjoyed reading it. Good job!

    I'll be announcing the winners by the 15th, so keep your eyes peeled. Good luck! Cute
    September 11th, 2013 at 04:31pm