My first comment would be to break down the very large chunks of text you have into more manageable paragraphs. Huge blocks of text struggle to keep people's attention. The second point would be to cut out any unnecessary details - for example, describing how after a while she was at the school. If it's not something you want to write about, don't write about it. It makes the story feel rushed.
You have a great concept in mind, and with some polishing and improvement - perhaps making her seem less like every male she isn't allowed to interact with that you mention wants her - then you'd have a really great story in the making!
You have a great concept in mind, and with some polishing and improvement - perhaps making her seem less like every male she isn't allowed to interact with that you mention wants her - then you'd have a really great story in the making!
Good luck with it!