July 2nd, 2017 at 11:22am
I have to admit that I defaulted the layout because the background bugged my eyes way too much. Spots just mess with my vision so it's not a fault with your layout, because I know so many other people think it's fine, it's just I can't stand them ever.
I really like the opening paragraph. You give a strong impression that she's really tired - that she just wants to sleep but removing her shoes is a task worth mentioning, as is getting up to turn off the light - and I feel that it's a good way to open, even if others might not feel the same. I could relate to the weariness that I felt while reading it - all she wants to do is sleep but there's small, annoying things that she has to do before she can. I really get that.
A thing I noticed was she's lying down asleep then the next paragraph she's 'suddenly' in a room but she's on her feet? I feel like that doesn't quite make sense, if that's her waking up in this strange place then shouldn't she have been on the mattress? Or even on the floor. We just don't get given any indication that she stands up and it gives the impression that she comes to while on her feet. Unless that's the point? The second chapter makes me think it might've been.
This chapter leaves me with so many questions. How did she get there? Why is she there? Who's the man and why did he have to kill her so violently? I love how it's described, through. The beginning doesn't give away to the fact that the end depicts her brutal strangulation, so that was a really nice touch.
And chapter two just throws a spanner in the works! So she wasn't killed? That's just crazy! I love the twist! And having it come from her sister's perspective, who's been severely impacted by the death, was a really good way to go. I love the connection between the two chapters. Well done!
Wow, this definitely did not go where I thought it was going to go at all. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect because the first chapter sets such an ominous vibe right from the start, but it’s not clear what’s happening either. I was aware that it was a dream, but I had no idea what was going to come out of it. Then in chapter two, you completely twisted everything around and it was a twist that I definitely did not see coming at all. I really enjoyed it, though.
I love how you created this illusion that it was Rosaline in the first chapter, but then you revealed that it was just a dream that her sister had. You captured the affect death can have on someone in the way Rosaline’s sister is desperate to be just like her. It’s alarming and I was so startled, but you used a mirroring effect that added power to the twist rather than just having the eating disorder there for no reason. The idea that she was so influenced by Rosaline’s suicide that she had a dream about it in such detail is troubling but weighted. I also liked the idea of personifying Rosaline’s battle in the form of a faceless man strangling her. It was very powerful.
You did have some awkward transitions where a little more detail would fix them, and some of your sentences were worded strangely that prevented the flow from picking up any real consistency and were a bit redundant. For example: The silence was strangely making my spine shiver and I crossed my arms in front of my chest to rub my arms feeling the cold air. — This entire sentence is worded awkwardly so I had to reread it. I don’t want to recommend some other way of rewording it because that’d be subjective, but I would definitely recommend trying to read your stuff out loud and feeling how natural it feels or have someone else do it.
Overall, this was a good and psychological piece that I enjoyed so good job!