September 24th, 2013 at 05:22am
Comment swap: I like the voice of Celestinne - is that a typo, her name. It almost has the feel of Stream of consciousness, but, I think you could use a bit more research in the subject. here are a few links: http://grammar.about.com/od/rs/g/Stream-Of-Consciousness.htm ; http://classiclit.about.com/od/literaryterms/g/aa_stream.htm ; hope they help.
...My grandmothers... there should be and ' before the s; otherwise it sounds like her grams has two faces.
...different law&order shows... should be Law & Order.
This is all tell. You need more show, I. E. what did the grandmother look like; How did Mummy Dearest prod Daddy dear and what did his "Snapping" feel like: who did it sound.
I get the feeling the Celestinne doesn't want to connect with the story she's telling. Maybe you could play with that a little bit. Maybe have her constantly breaking the flow of the narriative with something unrelated to the flow of the story. Or not, it's just an thing of mine. Experiomnet with you writing more.
...My grandmothers... there should be and ' before the s; otherwise it sounds like her grams has two faces.
...different law&order shows... should be Law & Order.
This is all tell. You need more show, I. E. what did the grandmother look like; How did Mummy Dearest prod Daddy dear and what did his "Snapping" feel like: who did it sound.
I get the feeling the Celestinne doesn't want to connect with the story she's telling. Maybe you could play with that a little bit. Maybe have her constantly breaking the flow of the narriative with something unrelated to the flow of the story. Or not, it's just an thing of mine. Experiomnet with you writing more.