Haunted Memories - Comments

I don't actually know what Fairy Tail is but this looks really interesting. Excuse my ignorance if I say anything stupid because of my lack of knowledge.

Summary / Layout

I like the colours of the layout. Rich blues are my second-favourite colour of all time and I think that, coupled with the banner, they make a nice layout. Your summary is short, to-the-point and intriguing; exactly how it should be. Coming into the story you've got my attention and I haven't had to switch to the default. Good job!

Nightmares

I like the little flashback. It gives you this insight into Mitsu's (or I'm assuming they are Mitsu's) memories and I think they'll tie in nicely with what we'll see of her life as it is now. I'm instantly interested by the mention of floating and having to send her away. It gives off this vibe of having to hide those who differ from others and I think that'll be an interesting thing to see over the course of the story unravelling.

Concrit: Papa gave mama a sharp look and she replied with a nod of her head “I’ll pack Mitsu’s things tomorrow morning.” She finished quietly. - Firstly, there's a punctuation mark missing from after head. You should use a period there. Secondly, the final part of the dialogue is slightly off. Instead of a period, you should use a comma and she shouldn't be capitalised. Similarly, the same thing happens in the line “A monster.” She hissed. - the period should be a comma and the capitalised she should be in lowercase as the dialogue tag is directly related to the person speaking.

Remembrance

I'm really interested in this Laxus guy. I love that you explain that he changed since he was younger and I'm really interested in seeing how he changes in the future. He does appear to be that kind of gruff, takes-no-shit kind of guy and I love that in a character. I hope we see more of him throughout the story. I like that he also has flaws, and that you show the fact that he's aggressive and sometimes just plain mean from the very start. Giving those two sides to a character is important, so I'm glad you've thought through the characterisation completely with him.

Again, the little flashback adds that little bit extra to the whole thing. I like having the little bit of insight into what happened between Angel and Laxus to cause that mini-rift and perhaps destroy a part of their relationship. It's a really interesting way to do it, rather than keeping the reader guessing about how this could have come about. I particularly adored the little extract at the end. I could almost feel the despair and panic in her thoughts as she realised that she couldn't swim and that she was possibly going to drown. I get the feeling that it kind of relates to her feelings about the whole thing as well, as if she's drowning in them. I like that. It's a nice touch.

Concrit: besides if I hadn’t of left - of sounds a little unusual in there. Perhaps try had or just omit it completely? I don't think it works in the context. Also, you're missing a comma in the sentence I had screamed at him surprising both of us. There should be a comma in between him and surprising. And finally, He informs should be he informs. Same sort of thing as in the first chapter

A Mission With Erza

The excessive drinking bit made me giggle because I'm that person in my group of friends so I can so totally relate to Cana. I also don't think I've mentioned how pretty I think the names are in this. Cana, Erza, Mirajane...very lovely names! It also lends to this fantasy element of things because they aren't normal names and it does make it seem more realistic.

I just saw the word monsters. Oh god, monsters. I'm so ridiculously excited for this! This story pretty much has everything that my inner fantasy geek needs to be satisfied and I'm so excited to see where this will be going!

Concrit: don’t “swing” like that.” I yell - the period before the end of the quotations should be a comma. “It’s been awhile sense you’ve - I think sense is supposed to be since. Also, I'd suggest using a while instead of awhile. happier and I was glad.” Erza states - again, the period should be a comma. “Monsters are terrorizing a local village” Erza informs - there should be a comma after village. Alright, let’s go grab your stuff now.” I teased - again, period should be a comma.

Home Again

I'm so sad that I didn't get to see them take down the monster but I'm still loving the whole idea of this! I thought the village people giving them a hand-decorated horn was so sweet, what a nice touch! I think Erza and Angel get long well, they've got a good friendly dynamic going on. You do get the idea that they've been friends for a long while and the fact that Erza seems to really respect Angel is evident in the way she speaks. I like that. It's a lovely touch to a story that does have these wonderfully dark overtones to it.

Concrit: you still let me lead us.” I mumble - period should be a comma. “Titania, Queen of Fairies.” I whisper - same thing. “That title rightfully belongs to you.” Erza states - again, same thing. It’s good to be home.” I smile - same thing again. You've also missed out a line between Erza sets the cart down and sighs. and the next line.

One Sentence

After the lovely light tone of the last chapter, I find it a little difficult to imagine Erza being commanding or scary! I think that's interesting, that she has two sides that are so conflicting. On one side, she's this soft friend and on the other, a commanding warrior. Definitely very interesting! I could see her as a Queen from what she does in this chapter, I really could. She gives off the air of being someone who gets respect wherever she goes so she must be a well-versed warrior indeed to have a character like that!

Laxus has made another appearance and I'm even more intrigued than before now because he's literally excreting this air of mystery and I don't know why, but I find myself wanting to know everything there is to know about the history between him and Angel. Hopefully you'll give us more in the future!

Concrit: I'll not point them all out (my comment is getting rather large now) but you do have some of the same issues with dialogue mentioned from the previous chapters, so I'd proof-read the remaining chapters for any of those issues as it does continue throughout. Erza’s revival for the title of Fairy Queen - should revival be rival, perhaps? It doesn't make sense to me currently.

Kei?

Another flashback? Excellent! I'm really enjoying learning about this alternate life where magic instantly gives you the title of monster and where it isn't normal or accepted to be different. The fact that even her own brother didn't accept it is a really saddening fact, it really does make me despair for the close-minded people that can't accept someone for who they are and instantly feel like difference makes that person a monster.

I like Kei. From the brief description you gave and his willingness to help Angel get back to the guild, I think that he's going to shape up to be a lovely little character.

Concrit: Just one or two of the dialogue issues mentioned above, nothing more!

Happiness

Kei seems like an all-around good guy now, after reading that chapter. He just seems so sweet and lovely! I liked the little flashback and how, even though he didn't know her, he instantly tried to cheer Angel up. That's a really sweet gesture and such a lovely little light chapter to read! I did enjoy the pancake bit at the end and I'm almost going to guarantee that I know who knocked over her breakfast.

Concrit: Same as above, a few dialogue issues but nothing more.

Trouble for Tyler

I thought it was going to be Laxus that knocked over the pancakes, so good on you for tricking me with that one! We finally get to see Angel's powers in full force though! That was definitely interesting and the fact that someone was watching from the shadows (I'm warily going to assume Laxus although I could be wrong again) kind of worries me a bit. I don't want Angel to be taken advantage of for her powers at all, that would be horrible.

At least she got her food though. That's good.

Concrit: Same as above, a few minor dialogue issues.

Kaiah!

I adore magicians. There's just something about them that intrigues me and ever since the last chapter, Kaiah intrigued me before I even knew her name so I think that's fitting.

A stalker? The plot deepens! I assume that we got a glimpse of her stalker and that again, I was wrong with my assumptions. I like that this story isn't predictable. I like that I'm getting all of these wrong. It's refreshing and keeps me on my toes when I'm reading and definitely makes everything more interesting! I'm worried to see who the stalker is so I'll definitely be keeping my eye on this.

Concrit: Same as before.

A New Friendship?

Aww, her stalker is so sweet and awkward! I like Azarel, he reminds me of some of the people I used to go to school with and I think that's a lovely touch. I was worried that her stalker would be terrifying and try and kill Angel so I'm somewhat relieved. I am concerned that Laxus is sending people to spy on, that's a bit weird. I wonder what he's up to.

Concrit: Again, just the same as before.

Overall

I really like this so far! It's different to anything I've ever read and the characters and plot are interesting. I like how unpredictable it can be at times and you've got a really nice writing style. There are a few issues with dialogue (as mentioned above) but aside from that, there aren't any glaringly obvious issues with the story itself. Keep up the great work!

Yeay! You updated! Aww... Laxus asking him to spy on her. He's just being protective. Although, it is a bit creepy. Lol!

Can't wait for the next chapter, hun.

After reading this, I've realized that I really really need to watch the anime. :v It seems so interesting just by reading this...

Random... I love the name Erza. I also love Angel's attitude towards everything, lol.

Uhhh idk what the power is called... something like weight control?

I think this story has some great potential. :) Keep up the great work. Only thing I'd personally change is when typing numbers, I feel in literature it's better to spell it than to use it's numerical value, though that may just be an OCD thing of mine. LOL, other than that I think it's golden.

I'd read this before but I kinda forgot to comment. Sorry.

I totally love this! And it's great that it started from the scene since the beginning of the anime. It's before the Eisenwald incident, isn't it?

Your writing style is great and I'm definitely gonna read more of this.

p/s: And I don't count this as a story that I wanna comment/recommend for the Anime Challenge because I'd planned on commenting on this story even before you posted that blog about the challenge. ^_^

I'm going to start writing my comment before I even get past the summary because I'm weird and that's how I choose to do things! (:

Anyway, I just want to say I love the title. Since I haven't actually read the story yet, I can't say whether it fits appropriately, but the use of the words haunted and memories makes me more interested in the story than the summary does. Just because I love reading and learning about the past and that's where memories are.

Ooh, I see now. Placing memories in the story at random spots, nice job. I actually really like that, especially because they are italicized. It's easy to tell what is past and what is presents. Now so far I've gotten to chapter two, but I had to stop and throw in my two cents.

First, I adore your use of the name Angel. It's always been one of my favorite names, though oddly enough I prefer it for boys. (Since I know nothing of this fanfiction, my comment is based on how you portray the characters.) I do like Angel's character and so far, I love her relationship/friendship with Laxus. I can't help it, I like overprotective boys. :3

I didn't see any mistakes as far as grammar and spelling are concerned.
I really don't know what else to say. I enjoyed the story and actually read all the way to the last chapter. I think this will be an interesting one and I plan to subscribe. You've done a very good job.(:

I've only read a handful of Fairy Tale fics because, to be honest, the ones I've stumbled across weren't very good, but this was actually really good. I really like Angel's character a lot so far. When I read the prologue and about her past, omg that hurt my heart! The fact that her parents saw her as a monster is just...wow. As I read on I started to wonder if it was because of her strong power she was talking to Erza about that her parents thought the way they did about her or if there is actually something else (since she was like floating in her bed like the exorcist or something lol).

I really loved the scene with her and Erza when they were coming back from their mission. You can tell that Erza really cares about her a lot and I love to see softer sides of her in everything as opposed to her just being a hardass all the time, haha.

But, your writing style is great because everything flowed and the descriptions you gave about everything were great. I liked the mystery you still kept to it though like about Laxus and Angel's past together and whatnot. Keep up writing this fabulous story!

I'm not really a fan of fanfiction or the Fairy Tale anime (I know it exists; I just haven't taken initiative to watch it yet. My friend likes it, though.), but this was a very nice story and it was well-written. I won't be sticking around, though, because I don't read much fan fiction. But I will be reccing and subbing!

Interesting story.

Chapter One

The petite girl’s eyes are wide - chapter one's memory is written all in past tense so the "are"doesn't fit because it's present tense, instead it should be something like "were" to fit the tense.

Chapter Two

You have "Although I miss my family I having no regrets" when it should be "have" otherwise it doesn't make sense.

"I’m s-sorry.” I stutter - because you have a speech tag following the speech, the full stop should be a comma. The following line is also the same so you should fix that as well. Exclamation and question marks are fine, but full stops end the speech so therefore cannot have a tag following.

Chapter Three

I spotted this in the previous chapters as well, but you have some sentences that really need to be broken up with a comma but are lacking that punctuation. They don't flow right without it and it does disrupt the overall flow of the story. This occurs in later chapters as well. If you look over the chapters and aren't sure about the flow, I'd suggest you try a site beta if you want someone to help you with it.

Chapter 4

However I when I see - the first "I" doesn't fit into the sentence.

Overall

I'm not too sure what Fairy Tale is and I don't think things are described effectively enough for someone like myself to actually firmly grasp what it's about. However, I did like the shortness of the chapters because it felt like just enough information was included and that it wasn't crowded. It would have been nice to have got more emotion from the characters through the narrative otherwise it just feels slightly dull because we get the characters presented but not their emotions which are what play a massive part in bringing a story to life.

The flashbacks were some of the things I enjoyed the most and I think you did well with where you fit them in and just what they were remembering.

Not too sure what Fairy Tail is, but I like this story quite a bit already. It has charm to it, and it makes it very easy to read. I found a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but nothing that really made me want to cringe. I like the way the characters interact with each other, and it doesn't seem awkward.

I like your writing style, things are described well enough for me to know what is going on, and that I am not confused. :)

Keep up the great work, as I will continue to read this.

I've heard of Fairy Tail before but never read a fanfic about said topic. Even without having that knowledge you provide enough for me to understand what's going on. The characters are very animated, like Cana, which I love. I like the small talk and stuff, it makes it feel realistic. And thirdly, I love Angel. She in a way reminds me of myself, being haunted by the past and trying to get over it. I think this is going somewhere good. Nice job!

I'm going to type this out as I read and comment on each chapter!

1: This chapter had me very intrigued and really caught my attention! The mystery surrounding it really adds a great element

2: I like the background given on Laxus. It really gives the character a dynamic! I like the memory flashbacks worked into the chapter! The plot is still very intriguing and I'm looking forward to more!

3:I like that you introduced Cana's drinking. The plot is beginning to get good!

4: The beginning dialogue in this chapter was really good!

5: Another great chapter!!

I wasn't familiar with this topic of fanfic but I do find it interesting! The flashbacks are sad but add so much to the story!! So good job! And the layout is lovely as well!

I love Fairy Tail! This is actually the first Fairy Tail fan-fiction that I've come across on this site. I usually go to FanFiction.net. Lol.

I like this story. I can't believe I read all five chapters so quickly. That last sentence--epic. So strong. I am subscribing. I really enjoyed reading this.

I have no clue what Fairy Tail is but, I am in love with this Already I've only read two chapters but I will continue to read it!

This is the first fanfic I came across which is based on Fairy Tail. I know its an anime but I haven't watched it yet, though many mibbians have recced it. I have to watch it soon.

The first thing I have to say is that you need to change the layout. It's readable but not nice.

The summary is interesting but the last two sentences would flow better if they were engaged.

You are doing a good job with this, I can tell from the way its written till now. The flashback scenes are totally heart-breaking, adding a sad tone to the story which is just perfect. Nice one.

This is really good and the flash back scenes are so heart breaking and emotional :(

I love the way that the present just flows so smoothly into the 'past'.
i cant wait to see how you develop on the relationship between laxus, and the guild member that Angel takes with her.
keep up the good work

Yay! You've finally started to post it up. :] I'm looking forward to reading when you update~ I think the layout is fine. You'll get the hang of it the more you play with it. I'm way to lazy to make anything other than basic layouts myself. :D

Update soon~ Do it~