Heartache - Comments

  • a mimosa pudica

    a mimosa pudica (2200)

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    Why Do I Love You? Contest

    The more stories I read from you, the better they get. This story has my vote so far among the stories I have read from you.

    I enjoyed the atmosphere the narrator gave at the beginning of the story. It was calming yet full of despair –as if it was full of regret. I was able to go deep into her life because you put it on a first person basis. It was truly beautiful especially in the beginning since you have put some philosophical words many would relate to, understand and believe in. That’s what drew me in the first place. It got better as I continued reading.

    It was a very depressing story, I’ll give you that. You have put a lot of emotion into this character, and many would sympathize with her. It’s very appropriate for this contest because I am looking for a story that many girls and boys would find themselves relating to the main character.

    However, this story (even with so much depth and emotion), is a story that I could see anywhere –if I looked close enough. I’ve never seen a story that you have written wherein the main character was the one at fault. Usually, it’s the guy that made the mistake and the girl who would leave him behind because of it. I’d like to see you write a story in a guy’s point of view where he has been cheated or something of the sort. I’ve only read the first three stories that you’ve given me. Discard this comment if by any chance there is a story in a guy’s point of view where the girl was at fault instead of him.

    Edit: I have found one! Broken is the title Cute
    January 4th, 2014 at 12:31pm
  • LoveForGiraffes

    LoveForGiraffes (100)

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    This was so sad yet so good. I feel bad for Laura, it seems like she loved Holland so much and had so much to give him but he ruined it by cheating, and now she's got to live with him being gone and raising her daughter all by herself. I loved how you wrote this dear, I always love your beautiful stories. Great job =]
    December 4th, 2013 at 06:15pm
  • LoveForGiraffes

    LoveForGiraffes (100)

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    This was so sad yet so good. I feel bad for Laura, it seems like she loved Holland so much and had so much to give him but he ruined it by cheating, and now she's got to live with him being gone and raising her daughter all by herself. I loved how you wrote this dear, I always love your beautiful stories. Great job =]
    December 4th, 2013 at 06:15pm
  • DarkestStorm

    DarkestStorm (335)

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    Now that I've read this again...

    Once again, I still love opening sentences. I think you could change the second "some" to "others". I love how your character tells all of her thoughts. It makes the story a lot more realistic.

    I would take out "back" so it's just "he'll start to have feelings for me". I would change "None" to "Neither" since it's only two things. You may change "on love" to "in love".

    You may change "deserve" to "deserved" since it's in past tense. You may want to change "will" to "would".

    I love when she talks about what his eyes, voice, hands and kiss gave her. That's really nice. I would take out "And" so it's just "Deep within…".

    You should change "I'm willing" to "I was willing" since t's past tense. The sentence "I sought out that everything is going to be okay" reads a bit awkward to me. You should change "will fix" to "would fix".

    You should change "hold it" to "held it". In the next paragraph you may change "know" to "knew". An apostrophe should go before "till". I'm not sure if a comma is required for "That's when I told him,". You may change "

    Once again, I like the ending. It makes me think of their relationship before the cancer happened.
    November 22nd, 2013 at 09:05pm
  • delirium.

    delirium. (1200)

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    That was so very sad. :/ At first I thought it was just love falling out, and then when I read about what all was happening it was like walking right into a brick wall of feels. Great work.
    October 9th, 2013 at 01:59am
  • Harleen Winchester.

    Harleen Winchester. (100)

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    I love your style of writing ^.^ I like this a lot, and I completely hated Holland until the near end. All of your stuff smacks me in the feels. I love ittt.
    October 6th, 2013 at 03:39am
  • Jordypye

    Jordypye (1400)

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    No! No I will not let your beautiful piece of work get to me! Cry Okay I lost, wahhh that was so amazing, I never expecting that kind of ending Sad You're so talented! In Love
    October 3rd, 2013 at 06:29am
  • opalescent;

    opalescent; (100)

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    Noooo. This just hits my feels. I think they way you decided to write it really helped convey all these feelings that the main character is going through. The story is so sad, but not too much. It's just bittersweet, which I just love. It's just like... that's life, but I always like to have something sweet and warm to balance it out. But I'm glad I wasn't sent into this black of abyss of gloom by the end of this.
    October 2nd, 2013 at 05:39am
  • DarkestStorm

    DarkestStorm (335)

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    Those are two strong opening sentences. It reminds me of a Twilight movie where the main character recites Robert Frost's poem "Fire and Ice". Very nice.

    Oh wow… I was shocked when I read "All my attempts failed because the cancer had changed his brain". I wasn't expecting that at all.

    I think you meant "held" where you put hold in "Maybe I hold it too tight".

    I liked the ending though it was a little unexpected. I can relate to this greatly, loving someone who doesn't love you back. The cancer in the story really opened possibilities for it, if that makes sense. I liked this a lot.
    October 1st, 2013 at 08:28pm
  • AngelicWasteland;

    AngelicWasteland; (100)

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    Wow this is amazing, it such a small amount of words (being a drabble and not chaptered) you put so much emotion in it, as always your description was awesome and it flows well... Just wow!
    October 1st, 2013 at 04:11pm
  • Neche Narcissist

    Neche Narcissist (100)

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    People say life is hell.
    What a strong opening.

    the one who is going to be the father of my child.
    Wow, powerful storyline that keeps me curious.

    All my attempts failed because the cancer had changed his brain and just like that everything went back to zero.
    Oh another wow, the climax it see,.

    when my six year old child asks me, "mom, why did papa die"?
    This broke my heart.

    The ending wrapped it up nicely that it does not leave you feeling too heartbroken, like she has closer of some sort.

    The voice in this was amazing also.
    October 1st, 2013 at 04:52am
  • Synful Cocktail

    Synful Cocktail (100)

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    I loved this, it was so beautifully written and the quote in the summary really tied in well. Well done!
    October 1st, 2013 at 02:54am