Hopeless Seduction - Comments

First thing first, let me just mention that I love the title, it fits perfectly for this story. It links the whole thing together so well. I loved how you kept it mysterious like to me anyways with the whole describing and everything. It was truly bringing you into it. This was good and I loved it.

I really liked this one. I found it relatable and intriguing. I also felt sorry for the person that has been waiting to be loved back, everyone's felt like that at least once before so it's easy to relate too! Overall this was a really good drabble, like I've said before it would look nicer with a layout as well. :)

1/1

The first thing I would like to mention is how much I love that the title links in wonderfully with the rest of the story. It links everything together really well and I've not read a story where that's the case in a while, so it's really refreshing to see that link!

Honestly, I actually like how short and choppy this piece is. I know that XXXataktoulaXXX mentioned a few sentences below that aren't technically correct grammar-wise, but (oddly enough - I'm usually a right grammar Nazi) I think they work. It kind of gives the whole piece this erratic and crazed idea to it, almost as if we're right in the narrator's thoughts as they try to decipher them. I think it makes it atmospheric and works really well within the context.

I love the last paragraph before the final line the most, I think. It's that sudden realisation, but then the fact that the narrator knows they're hooked anyway that really makes this an interesting piece, in my opinion. You've also got this really lovely extended metaphor revolving around royalty going on and I really dig that. It works so well and ties the whole piece together beautifully.

Concrit

I think this may be because I'm not a massive fan of the Oxford comma, but the first sentence seems a little split-up to me. I think that you could possibly lose the comma before and but again, that could just be me and my hatred for the Oxford comma. The only sentence I think that doesn't work in the whole choppiness of the piece is the line I kept hoping that one day she would drop this princess act. Though she was more like a queen. I think it'd work better if the period was a comma and read I kept hoping that one day she would drop this princess act, though she was more like a queen.

Overall

Unrequited love is one of those topics that can be really cliché and work badly, but you've not done that at all here! It looks pretty amazing, is a really interesting piece and you draw the reader in in such a short space of words. Great!

I won't repeat the same things about the layout and summary in every piece. You know what you have to do so I'm moving on to the actual chapter.

In the first short paragraph you have overused the word that. Change that.

She had many offers and like me, she kept them all on their toes awaiting her command.
A comma is missing after the word, offers.

I kept hoping that one day she would drop this princess act. Though she was more like a queen.
I suggest connecting these two sentences by writing it as, even though she was more like a queen.

That she didn't mean to use her beauty to control my mind. I kept hoping she would realize that I was the one.
The flow is breaking. Maybe connecting these two sentences as well will seem better. Like this , That she didn't mean to use her beauty to control my mind, and to think I kept hoping she would realize that I was the one.

Time went on though and she never chose me. Still I waited for her.
A comma is missing after though and after still.

I guess that night really meant nothing though.
The last word should be taken off. It's better that way.

I was hopelessly seduced.[i/]
I love the way you ended this and how that sentence is connected to the piece.

-Marian.

This is like my friend's life story...like he has the same issues, having waited and still waiting for this one girl.

So beautiful!! I love the topic of unrequited love and this is a great story captures that greatly.