Thief - Comments

I’m here to judge for the ‘Those Who Are Shamed’ contest.

The idea of this one-shot was interesting because it was obvious the kid didn’t want to be doing it, but he felt like he had to out of desperation now. How it all ended was definitely a pleasant surprise what with them actually adopting him. I enjoy when authors turn things around unexpectedly like how you did.

However, I do agree with what other people have said. I felt like it was too rushed and lacking in detail so it was jumping all over the place and the reactions—or lack thereof—weren’t very realistic. I might be a bit dramatic and anxious at times, but I don’t think it would be unreasonable or overreacting if I were to freak out if someone broke into my house, never mind with a gun and definitely never mind if they’re tying me up. Everyone was far too calm for such a high-stress situation because whether or not they thought this kid was capable of murder, you never actually know. And the thought that he couldn’t call the cops because the kid had his girlfriend hostage was definitely bizarre. That shouldn’t have been a reason to not call the cops? It was just so strange that he stood there and watched, and his only reasoning was because Stella was a hostage. Everyone was just too calm.

The ending was far too rushed. It was a really good concept, taking someone in the way that they did, but it was too quick and too choppy because you tried to cram a lot into a few hundred words. This story definitely would have been better off being fleshed out over a more stretched out timeline so it actually was as emotional and raw as it could be.

I feel like the way you've written this is far too rigid to flow well enough for the events to morph into one another rather than appearing to jump suddenly. I wasn't quite sure where to expect this to lead to but the ending was a surprise to me and that's a good thing. It's always good when an author goes down a different route than expected.

However, there are a few things that really don't sit well with me. They're all supposed to be sixteen/seventeen and yet they're acting far more mature than most adults would be? While the thief is tying her to the chair, Stella's boyfriend just stands there and watches? And his thought of - I could call the police, but that guy is holding my girlfriend hostage." - is so bizarre. I don't know how the situation of someone's girlfriend being held hostage could be used as the excuse to not call the police. Then there's also the fact that Stella's calm despite having a gun pointed at her and her boyfriend can just so easily subdue a thief with a gun who has nothing to lose. They just completely throw this piece off for me so where this could have been a piece that gave a good point of thought for the reader to take away, I'm just completely disconnected from it.

I like the concept of this story. The idea that I'm going to be in the house when somebody attempts to break in is actually one of those things that freaks me out a little, so I was really interested to see it playing out in a story. However, having that push through from the description of the thief being this young homeless boy is definitely not one I had expected -- when I think of robbers, I think of greedy, power-hungry men who want nothing more than to live a life of absolute luxury with stolen goods. I definitely wasn't expecting a young man who had nothing in his life and was trying to get money to survive. It's an interesting concept, and one that really makes the reader think about the real importances in life, and how we are completely focused on being a material society in which money is everything. Very thought-provoking as a concept.

I do agree with losing control. on a couple of aspects. As much as perhaps they didn't expect the boy to kill them, if somebody runs into my house with a gun and starts pointing it at me, I'm going to freak out -- its human nature to do so, so it seems a little unnatural to me that they'd not even be the slightest bit freaked out by it. It's also pretty rushed -- I'd love to see this fleshed out a bit more and set over a longer timeline because honestly, you've got a really good idea here and it's something I'd love to see fleshed out.

As I said above, I love the concept of this. It's a great idea and with a little more work, I think this could be a fantastic story.

I thought this was an interesting idea for a story. You don't often read about younger people who are homeless, or homeless people in general I suppose, so I liked that aspect of it.

The story itself felt quite rushed to me. It sort of felt like you were just going through the motions with what was happening and so there wasn't much build-up or suspense for when the 'crime' happened. It also seemed like everyone was quite relaxed about the entire situation, despite what was happening. If someone broke into my house and tied someone up, I'd definitely not be calm, but I didn't really feel much of that emotion coming through.

There was a few times in the story where you changed tenses, which makes it confusing to read. You start out saying "we are" and "we have" and then you switch to saying "he had" and "he did", so I would suggest going back and reading over the story and checking out the places where you switch. Picking a tense that you want to write in before you start going through the story is definitely a good idea, so you can just switch a few words around and be good to go!

There were a few things that felt out of place to me. Like I said earlier, the fact that both the kids were so calm in that situation felt quite unnatural. As well as your main character knowing exactly how to use a gun and being completely comfortable with it. I know you mentioned that his dad is a police officer, but you also mention they were in their mid-teens, so it just felt off to me. The end also felt incredibly rushed. They went from offering the boy a shower and some clothes to adopting him, but there was nothing really in between to explain it. It just felt like a random thing to add to the end of the story to me, especially without adding any description or background to it.

Overall, like I said, the story definitely has an interesting concept. I would just suggest going back to make it a bit more cohesive in terms of the plot!

I am not a great writer, I  write stories with difficult plot lines and most of the times people don’t understand what I want to say, because I don’t have essential things that a story needs, but I am commenting from a perspective of a passionate reader and as you requested I am going to be completely honest.
 
There is so many things in the summary that I hate: the contests, the word count, the series and just one sentence about the story that is gold, but surrounded by so many things it turns into muck.

The first sentence of the story should be so good, that the reader would want to read the second one. Was it really that intriguing, no, not really.  And then there’s event after event, that leave me feeling empty. I see a thief, he is tying up my girlfriend, then I am pointing a gun to his head…Everything is happening too fast that it  just feels robotic, detached. There are also some logic errors; he is homeless and dirt poor but he has a gun, and perhaps even a car, but maybe I misunderstood the part with the car and he just bummed a ride from someone.
 
What I did like was the plot, the title and the structure. I think that this piece has a potential to become a great story, because it has the essential things: the carcass( introduction, development, culmination and the finale), characters and description. The structure of the story is great, on the other hand I think that you should develop your characters a little bit more, and make your description breath-taking.
 
I am sorry for being so negative and I am really not the best person to criticize your work, so feel free to ignore this comment and get mad at me.

I like the layout and the inspiration for the story.

Opening paragraph: I would try describing a little bit more here. Mostly in first two sentences.
Body: Change "heard" to "hear". I really like that line "but I guess things don't always go as we want them to" it's a good foreshadowing thought for what's going to happen.

I would suggest breaking down the second sentence in the third paragraph since it's a bit long. As well as the first sentence in the seventh paragraph.

You should change "had to" to "have to".

I would maybe change the first sentence in the ninth paragraph since he already says he's begging them so it doesn't really need to say "the young boy begs".

I think you should change "his brown eyes" to "his eyes" since it says they were void of color. You should change "for it" to "of it" when he's talking about being ashamed.

I love how you worked the inspiration into the story by having the thief say the line. That's true and I love how you incorporated that into the story.

I like the story but it seemed a bit rush and maybe a little unrealistic. Just because of the adoption thing. That would take a lot of work for the guy's parents and it seems sudden.

Other than that, I thought you did good on this.

I like the layout and the inspiration for the story.

Opening paragraph: I would try describing a little bit more here. Mostly in first two sentences.
Body: Change "heard" to "hear". I really like that line "but I guess things don't always go as we want them to" it's a good foreshadowing thought for what's going to happen.

I would suggest breaking down the second sentence in the third paragraph since it's a bit long. As well as the first sentence in the seventh paragraph.

You should change "had to" to "have to".

I would maybe change the first sentence in the ninth paragraph since he already says he's begging them so it doesn't really need to say "the young boy begs".

I think you should change "his brown eyes" to "his eyes" since it says they were void of color. You should change "for it" to "of it" when he's talking about being ashamed.

I love how you worked the inspiration into the story by having the thief say the line. That's true and I love how you incorporated that into the story.

I like the story but it seemed a bit rush and maybe a little unrealistic. Just because of the adoption thing. That would take a lot of work for the guy's parents and it seems sudden.

Other than that, I thought you did good on this.

I like this! It's different from what I've read before! All I would say is that I found it a little choppy BUT it could just be me! It's still a really good job!