Drugged - Comments

I’m here to judge for the ‘Original Prewrite Contest (Slash/Femslash)’ contest.

In all honesty, I have no idea what I actually read. If that was your intention—to disorient the readers with the drugs and whatnot—okay, you did fine but I really feel like it wasn’t. Besides, if it had been, it shouldn’t have been confusing right out of the gate. I had no idea who these characters were and I feel like you honestly forgot to include a history that I couldn’t just know with the little bit of details I was given. Their dynamic was strange and made absolutely no sense. Katrina claimed to be in love with Kristie, but I didn’t feel any love whatsoever between them—especially such a passionate and unconditional love that Katrina would be willing to sell drugs for Kristie. And once again, because you catapulted me into the deep end with no details, it felt fake and just confused me.

I think you captured the senseless sensation of being high/drunk well, but the story itself was extremely choppy. You jumped from one thing to another messily. The transition from the scene with Clarity to the LSD scene was so rough that I actually had to reread it to comprehend what happened, and even then, I was kind of just guessing anyway. Having to reread multiple things a few times before I could understand what was happening really took away from the experience for me. I ended up just being confused at the end. Honestly, it felt like I had picked up a book that I had only read the summary of and skipped to the very last page. I just feel like I missed a lot.

I do think it’s an interesting concept what with a girl being so in love with someone that she’s willing to help her sell drugs and I think you could do a lot with it, but you should definitely give more detail to scenes and emotions, and backstory.

You've captured the atmosphere of being drunk quite well. God knows there's so many times where I lose time and suddenly end up in a different place with no clue how I got there or where I am. And not knowing what went on the night before? That's definitely been me too! But I feel like her confession that she always remembered the nights but pretended that she didn't had no consequences when it should've. She basically admitted that she acts as if she doesn't remember just so that she can kiss her friend - very manipulative, if you ask me - but said friend doesn't even really comment on it when told about it.

I'm also not quite sure the relevance of Clarity? It says she's her adopted sister but she's talking as if she's Katrina's mother and Katrina's accepting it just like that. It's bizarre and I feel it might've made more sense had a bit more backstory was included to tell us why this interaction occurred and why the dynamic between the two is like it is. It also feels as if you only included a group of friends just to bulk the character number up because there could be no mention of anyone but Katrina and Kristie going out and the story could remain the exact same.

The atmosphere you created of the night out really carried this piece, so it can be appreciated in itself even with the character issues I caught.

I feel like with this, you definitely managed to capture the haze of a night out, especially when the drugs were involved. There are huge chunks of time in the story where you skip parts, but I feel like that just adds to the confused, altered reality that LSD throws on a person. It's perhaps not intentional, but it definitely adds something to the story for me, especially when it gets to points like them migrating from the house to the club and not knowing what's going on -- I've found myself missing huge chunks of time after taking stuff, so it's definitely something very real that makes this story all the more realistic for me.

The idea of this unrequited love is interesting as well. Drugs make people do stupid things as it is, and the concept that Katrina and Kristie get together purely based on this chemical push is one that I can wholeheartedly believe and when it comes to the day after, those feelings of not being able to be with someone because said chemical rush has worn off is definitely something I can see happening, so it again adds to the realism of this.

There are a couple of issues with characterisation -- it's been mentioned below, but the mention of the adopted sister has little weight within the story, and could do with a backstory to explain why it is significant -- but aside from that, this is a nice little piece.

This story was quite bittersweet. I thought you did a nice job of capturing how unrequited love/a crush feels, especially when that person is aware but is kind of rejecting your feelings. It was interesting that you added drugs into the mix to make your main character forget what was going on.

I wish we had a bit more backstory to the characters and that everything flowed together a bit nicer. There were a few parts that had nice descriptions and I understood what was going on, but then I would get lost again and not really know what was going on. It felt like the adopted sister was introduced rather suddenly, and I didn't really understand the significance of her as a character. I was also quite confused about how they got to the club and who they were there with. I know you mentioned the drugs, but I still felt like some things were sort of glossed over.

I thought you ended the story well with leaving a sort of open-ended ending, where we don't know exactly what happens except the basics so that was nice to read.

Well done

Thanks!

I want to start off by saying that I really liked this story as a whole. Overall I was impressed and I was glad I had the chance to read it.

I think you excelled in the content department. You created a story with a lot of heavy stuff like unrequited love and drugs, and you mnaged to present it in a way that didn't bring me down. It made me want to keep reading because it was so well done. You have a very strong style, and you know your style very well. This piece is very much true to your style and I enjoy reading your work. I think you really did put a lot of emotional aspects in the story, in fact I think that drove the core of the story. I liked that it was loaded with emotions in a really nice way. I liked the emotional aspect of the story very, very much.

I think that some of the characters needed a little more development. I found myself wondering more about her sister and what the situation was there. There was some back story missing in my opinion for some of the aspects of the story. I think that a little more back story would be nice in some parts, just to make the story feel a little more complete. There were a few little grammar errors that I noticed as well.

You also excelled in ending your story. I thought that the ending was nicely done. You did close the story in a way that made it feel complete. I also felt for Katrina and wished she didn't feel the way she did, but you ended it really nicely. I liked the ending a lot. I also really liked the introduction of the story because it wanted me to read more. I loved that you got me hooked.

Overall, I was impressed!

The summary is plain awesome. Loved it.
The story was really very nice. But it got me all uncomfortable LOL I mean this was my first time reading a girlXgirl so I bet you understand. But otherwise, well done :)

This is really good as usual! I'm a huge fan of your writing and every one of your stories is different in it's own unique way, your description is always fantastic and the flow is great! Good job!