Diary of a Sex Slave - Comments

Chapter nineteen:

Your idea for the two of them to argue was brilliant. I loved the scene, and the harsh words both of them said were cruel and honestly harsh. Lily's plan was grand seeing as she didn't have the courage to suffer and keep on living. At least that's what you made me think, that she was trying to provoke Steve.

"I liked you better when you just took it and didn't complain, but then those losers made you realize you have a voice."
That was true. If it wasn't for the friends she made, she would have stayed with Steve.

"I love you Bill," She spoke out loud knowing that it would push him over the edge.
As I read that sentence, it almost seemed like a prayer to my ears which said, ''You can kill me now, Steve.''

I didn't like the fact that Jared helped her and he was the one to kill Steve. A good idea would have been if a new character showed up, Steve's enemy or a family member who hated him.

Thank you for writing this sweets. If you ever decide to go back and edit it, you can turn this to a grand story.

Also, seeing as Steve is dead now, I feel like Lily's story ended for me (now that I thought about it)... so I'm not really up for reading the sequel now. Maybe, I'll come back to read the sequel later but for now - I'm gonna fangirl over another story of yours.

-Marian.

Awesome!!! please send me a link to the sequel when you get it going :)

I like the twist, it's good to see further into the story and see why Jared did what he did.

@ LittlexPrincess lol well I think he got the memo now! Can't wait on the next update !

@ animestars
Haha I told him it would upset my readers but he didn't listen.

I don't like your boyfriend, no cliffhangers please!!'

He probably went down on her or something, update again !

OMG WHAT DID HE DO!

Chapter fifteen:

Because it hurts worse when it's somebody you trust.
That is so true.

So you're going to walk away, and just let fate decide what happens to your disabled boy?
I like how you revealed this secret into the story showing how Steve had gotten Jared to betray his friends.

People and their attachments, this is why it's better to use without feeling.
The creepy feeling you are giving to Steve, gives me the chills. I think I'm weird, but I like it.

I liked how Steve joked about letting his hitman fuck Lily, it made him all the more cold, even though in the end it showed he wanted her for himself. And you would like to know why I said that. I said it because I believe that since Steve is such a cold-hearted person, then his way to claim she wants him for himself instead of clearly showing it would be to use the words he used by saying, otherwise I'll kill her. I'm pretty much into psychology here.

Chapter sixteen:
So Steve left Bill and Lily stay together while he was away? That makes no sense but I can't wait to see what you have in mind. I'm sure this will be very unexpected. I'm excited.

What the actual f*ck happened? I like dthe unexpected development of this chapter. If you had added more details, this would have been perfect.

Your talent to pull off this kind of plot twists is remarkable. Well done!

Chapter seventeen:
I can understand Lily's feelings and her determination to not please Steve even though he would hit her and rape her. I could imagine Lily calling the girls but the fact they ask her to trust Jared again, was a bit unrealistic. I know you will show us why they said that in the next chapters but it felt unnatural I guess.

This chapter was really rushed, I hoped to see more of Lily break down and Steve's psycho side. I can't wait to see what Lily will do in the end.

Chapter eighteen:

One writing mistake you do again and again is when you type storie, instead of story. Remember that next time.

I kind of expected he'd go to see Lily at one point. After all, he still worked for Steve. (I'm talking about Jared)

"That is not true I am and have always been on your side"
Honestly I wouldn't have even used that line. It's really unrealistic.

So, Lily pushed him out of her home and she now waits till Steve gets bored enough to stop raping her and kill her.

I would suggest putting more feelings of sadness behind Lily's attitude, because she lost Bill whom she loved. Just anger isn't enough to show that.

~Marian.

@ infernalminds
Thank you glad you like it

Please update soon!! This is really good!

Chapter fourteen:

Lilly had been back for over a week now and at least three times a day she was raped while Bill had to sit there and watch. The being raped part wasn't so bad it was the pain she saw in Bill's eyes that made it unbearable.
The last sentence killed me, honestly. It's so sad, even the thought of it. Well done!

I wonder what Steve had on his mind. Why the hell would he let Bill work for him still? I would have beaten the shit out of him if I had Steve's character. o.O

The doc is innocent then. Maybe he has something on his mind but he knew the house was under cameras or something. I guess we'll see.

How could she love someone after everything she went through? She thinks she loves Bill, or even better she makes herself believe that's the case so she won't be alone. Stupid Lily!

~Marian.

Chapter thirteen:

"Like I'm going to leave you alone, you're staying with me tonight" He told her picking her up throwing her over his shoulders.
That might be the reason he's taking her with him inside his room to make sure she won't try to leave him again, but that migth bring them close. If we are talking about how much realistic this is, then I'd say about 10%, the rest 90% belongs to the happy endings we love to read. LOL
My advice? Keep it realistic.

"No you've got nowhere to go, and nobody to support you."
That shows how much she has gotten her lesson. Tough life of a sex slave.

"One day you will all realize why I did what I did."
Even though these words of the doctor add mystery and a serious feel to the story, I think I would have thrown a vase at him if I was in Lily's shoes.

"Make love to me Bill, right now."
I would have never said anything like that after everything that happened, if I was in her shoes. Glad Bill didn't listen to her.

"You have to be punished though for your actions" He told Bill as he un-did his pants and pulled his dick out.
Steve went straight to Lilly and jammed himself into her again "This will be your punishment, you will watch me rape her" He told her.
"You sick son of a bitch" Bill yelled at him.
"It's ok Bill, it doesn't hurt I promise" She told him looking at him.
"Well better change that then shouldn't I?" Steve asked her as he became rougher causing Lilly to scream.
You scared me here. For a moment I thought he was gonna rape Bill. LOL. That's sick but totally realistic.

Should we turn this to a movie???

~Marian.

@ XXXataktoulaXXX
I agree I am trying to figure out why he is the way that he is. The options floating around my mind right now is
A) something to do with his mother
B) maybe an ex in the past hurt him
C) Maybe he has a mental disorder

Chapter ten:

At the start of the chapter some sentences didn't make sense. You have to go over that again.

The meeting with the doctor was quite unexpected and it seemed kind of off.

Steve is getting a new sex slave? Now I'm really wondering where this story is heading? You are leading your readers on one way and then you switch to another. Seriously, a new sex slave? I don't like that. Not at all.

Chapter eleven:

I really am intrigued to find out what's going on. It kind of gives me the feel like Steve is going to hire someone to kill Lily or something. Mostly this chapter was just a filler but added a mysterious feeling to it which keeps the readers interested to the story. Nothing else to say for this one.

Chapter twelve:

I knew something was bound to happen soon or later. Everyone had left her alone.

It was at that moment Steve walked in the door, walked straight over to Vega and kicked her right in the face,after he did that he pulled Lilly up by her hair.
I was waiting for that moment.

" Apparently this long" She told him not knowing where her sudden confidence was coming from.
I like this. It showed how tired she was from everything Steve had put her through and how she wanted to try that for a change, even though she already knew that what would come next would be bad for her.

" Wrong again, I wanted you to believe you outsmarted me that you actually had a chance of being free, I waited this long so you could be happy so then I could crush it and make your life worse then before" He told her.
Oh God, did I just love that sentence, coming from Steve's mouth. I don't know why but I like these type of character. Does that make me weird? I hope not, LOL.

" The cops will never believe you" Maria told him as she coughed up some blood.
That sentence was raw, adding a nice feel of reality. Well done!

The last thing Lilly saw was Maria put in handcuffs and an ambulance coming for Vega. Lilly burst into tears this was all her fault and now they were going down because of her.
Should be changed to, The last thing Lilly saw was Maria in handcuffs and an ambulance coming for Vega. Lilly burst into tears knowing full-well that this was all her fault and now they were going down because of her.
That was a very nice way to end the chapter, emphasizing the guilt Lily felt for her friends.

@ LittlexPrincess
You're very welcome! :)

@ devyndior
Aww thank you so much. I honestly don't feel like I'm that good. Alot of my other stories haven't done even half as good at this one

I wish I could write like you. I'm really liking this story, update when you can!

@ LittlexPrincess
thanks

Chapter seven:

Lilly woke up early the next morning when she opened her eyes she saw Maria staring at her so Lilly gave her a half smile and stretched.
Should be changed to , When Lilly woke up early the next morning and opened her eyes, she saw Maria staring at her. Lilly gave her a half smile and stretched.

You have to use more periods and commas as you write.

These two parts don't really make sense because here Lilly smiled " I knew he loved me" Lilly said biting her bottom lip smiling and blushing abit., it shows she's excited for his feelings but at a previous part Lily was saying love doesn't exist when one of the sisters told her, Bill loves her. You have to keep Lily in one mood, one feeling and explain it more.

The whole situation with the girls being sisters and Bill, their brother seems unrealistic and that's because of the lack of details and the progress of the story which is lacking. You should have taken your time to polish the plan, show the car ride and the thoughts that went around in Lily's mind.

What you caught perfectly was Maria's persona, when she was pressuring Lily with a way that didn't seem bad, but worried.

Chapter eight:

Bill is a fool for taking her out of Vega's house so soon. It's too risky!! Now I am afraid Steve wills torm into Bill's house and new drama will unfold.

Lilly wasn't used to this, this was like heaven to her and what he did next was unexpected.
I really want to see what he did that was unexpected.

Chapter nine:

If I was in Bill's shoes I would have told my boss something like, ''It's already night, can't I do it early in the morning?'' I mean he has to go there for the plants in the night? I don't think so!

Bill was right on leting her stay there at his house and not leting her walk away by herself. Too dangerous!

Your boyfriend has nice ideas. So, who might that be? Maybe Bill? I guess I'll find out when you update again.

~Marian.