November 21st, 2013 at 12:47am
I only found one mistake in your summary: I don't want to live hear anymore.
I think you meant to put the word "here" instead of "hear".
Anyway, the summary is really good in my opinion. It drew me in and I was really curious although I had the hint from the layout and the title already. But still, I wanted to know how you wrote the story.
The crunch under my boots was background noise to me now, a familiar yet disgusting noise as I walked to school.
You should put a period between now and a because both of them are sentences.
The sidewalk was covered in bits of trash, pieces of glass coated the ground everywhere, shards were scattered throughout the bits of brown grass and pavement.
These are all complete sentences so they don't have to be separated by commas.
The idea our population was doomed was a majority of the opinion of the pessimist’s.
You're missing a that between idea and population.
He had a strange accent, I couldn’t place it though.
You should put a period between accent and I.
Those are all that I found in the piece. Other than those, it's almost perfect. Some of the sentences are short so it seems kind of choppy.
For example, this part: We walked to class and chatted. He was in my third class of the day, English. We talked again then, and every day after.
This is good but I suggest writing more details and descriptions so that it would be something like "show, don't tell". Although it's written well, I'm still looking for more. Like I said, it would be better with more details. Furthermore, I believe that this can be turned into a chaptered story. It has so much potential to be one! If you're going to continue it as a chaptered story then I'll look forward to it.
Good job on this one!
I love the layout. It's absolutely perfect and really lends itself to the piece.
I really, really enjoyed this. My favorite part was that you never actually tacked a name to the city. It left my brain to wander, and I ended up coming up with this sort of view of a post-apocalyptic, end-of-the-world-looking city. I'm sure that wasn't how you intended it, but I love the vagueness of this story. I don't normally like that, but it works really well here. I like that the narrator's name wasn't mentioned but Miles' was. It showed that he was really important, even though he comes in at the end, and I really loved how you ended it.
I noticed a couple grammar mistakes, but nothing major.
If you ever decide to expand this into a full story, I think it would work great and I'd definitely read it. Thanks for entering!