Silence - Comments

  • DevilboyKyle

    DevilboyKyle (100)

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    Congratulations for writing this.
    December 5th, 2013 at 11:26pm
  • DevilboyKyle

    DevilboyKyle (100)

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    She looked like she would break if you only just touched her. Just like a pile of ash… You touched it with your fingertips and it fell. This one of my favorite parts.

    OMFG, was that actually the ending? He thought she was his dead wife? That was a great way to leave me speechless, way to go.
    December 5th, 2013 at 11:23pm
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    I like premise of this story but I feel as though it could've been executed better. The repetitive phrasing you have throughout makes it very stiff and awkward to read. Same with a lot of the descriptive detail. It reads too much like a book- it doesn't flow like I feel it should. I really liked your description of Silence's eyes, that was probably my favorite bit of it.

    So what I'm confused about is you make it seem like he's in this party because of his friend and sees this chick and it's love at first sight. If that's the case how does he know that it's the first time she's been alone in six months? How does he know what 'everyone' says about her? There also could've been a much smoother way to introduce the fact that this girl reminded him of his wife. It seems just so thrown in there--like you could've waited until the very end and said something like 'In the end she wasn't her…and my (insert wife's name here), my wife remained dead.' It would've left a DUN DUN DUNNNNN feeling to it.
    November 29th, 2013 at 07:20pm
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    I like premise of this story but I feel as though it could've been executed better. The repetitive phrasing you have throughout makes it very stiff and awkward to read. Same with a lot of the descriptive detail. It reads too much like a book- it doesn't flow like I feel it should. I really liked your description of Silence's eyes, that was probably my favorite bit of it.

    So what I'm confused about is you make it seem like he's in this party because of his friend and sees this chick and it's love at first sight. If that's the case how does he know that it's the first time she's been alone in six months? How does he know what 'everyone' says about her? There also could've been a much smoother way to introduce the fact that this girl reminded him of his wife. It seems just so thrown in there--like you could've waited until the very end and said something like 'In the end she wasn't her…and my (insert wife's name here), my wife remained dead.' It would've left a DUN DUN DUNNNNN feeling to it.
    November 29th, 2013 at 07:19pm
  • nearly witches.

    nearly witches. (15250)

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    I'm here to (finally) judge the entries for The Most Beautiful Lyrics. Cute

    The banner image really intrigued me when I first opened this story page. Everything in the layout seems so very elegant and that ties in wonderfully well with the story itself.

    Lie a few others have said below, this piece seems to emit an air of mystery, but there is also this overwhelming feeling of sadness. You really do feel for the narrator because there is this melancholy air when he speaks of his dead wife. The line at the end just cinched that all up for me because it almost seems as if this fragile woman is a replacement for his wife, but he also realises that nothing would ever replace her. It's a really saddening thought and it does just show his love for his spouse, even though she's been gone for quite a while. It almost feels as if the whole story is a metaphor for love being never-ending and I think that's a lovely touch.

    Spelling and grammar wise, I only really noticed one thing. In the line My wife had passed away for over than six years, the last part seems slightly off. Perhaps try something lie My wife had passed away six years ago or My wife had passed away over six years ago? Aside from that, I couldn't see anything else that would need changed!

    All in all, this was a piece with a definite melancholic feel to it. I loved the way that you described the woman and how you showed the narrator's feelings throughout. Thanks for entering! Cute
    November 6th, 2013 at 04:13pm
  • open water.

    open water. (105)

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    (ignore double post sorry)
    November 5th, 2013 at 01:57am
  • open water.

    open water. (105)

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    I like this short story. Nice mysterious feel and sadness too, you showed the emotions pretty well from the main characters view.

    The end of the first sentence seems somewhat oddly phrased to me, possibly a missed verb after the and? Not too sure, just a little off.

    Very nice imagery on the dress. I love how he calls her the "silent princess," very interesting.

    Very interesting ending too, really left wondering what really happened. And such sadness for the main character, the longing is really shown quite clearly.

    Overall, nicely done. I can't help but think of almost a great gatsby-esque tone to the piece, his longing and the extravagance of the scene you described really draw me back to that time.
    November 5th, 2013 at 01:56am
  • orange county.

    orange county. (150)

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    This was a weird mixture of sad, and slightly creepy. I definitely found it super intriguing and I found Silence to be a very interesting character.
    November 3rd, 2013 at 03:21am
  • glasswings

    glasswings (110)

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    This was a very intriguing piece, and the mystery of this sad woman definitely had me hooked. I got this impression of her as almost an ornament for the host, a kind of beautiful, subservient slave who was there purely as decoration. It made me feel for her, because she seemed so trapped in her existence, yet when she bites the man at the end she seems almost protective of her life, some kind of animalistic gesture to indicate that she is already claimed.

    I do think that the descriptions in this are very poetic, and I really admire your ability to create a full picture without including every single detail. It's a rare skill that many lack, and I really liked that about this piece. I do think that you may find some value from a beta reader, as occasionally there were some verb/subject disagreements. Hair, for example, is a singular entity, so "She pushed her long blonde hair to the left side and let them fall in front of her chest" should be "She pushed her long blonde hair to the left side and let it fall in front of her chest". The tense also switched around a little bit, and 'for' and 'from' were occasionally mixed up.

    Apart from that, this was a very solid and mysterious piece of writing. I really loved the atmosphere of it, and the suspense it created. The ending was really powerful, and rounded off the intensity well. Again. I'm really impressed by the character development that you managed to compress in to such a short space of time. Good work!
    October 31st, 2013 at 10:55am
  • squidward tentacles.

    squidward tentacles. (255)

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    I loved the layout of this one too. And I like the Halestorm quote, since I adore them. :D
    I liked the mysterious vibe of this story; it made me want to learn more about Silence and the man watching her. I felt really bad for him because your writing and descriptions made him seem very real and his emotions raw. The pain of missing his dead wife, and then the pain of the woman not being his wife was very apparent, and it makes the reader feel empathy for him. Lovely work. (:
    October 24th, 2013 at 11:56pm
  • A. J.

    A. J. (100)

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    I agree with Unnatural Angel. Your writing is amazing. Just this little blurb of a story told a whole story within your detailed writing. I love that you described the woman and she's in your banner/layout (sorry, not familiar with the correct term) But I did love this. Especially the lip bite. Somehow it was sexy, yet sad that because of that kiss, the character finally understood it wasn't his wife. Clap
    October 22nd, 2013 at 06:37pm
  • A. J.

    A. J. (100)

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    Sorry, it posted twice. Again, this is great xx
    October 22nd, 2013 at 06:35pm
  • Tipsy.

    Tipsy. (100)

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    Just decided to check out your stories. Your writing is unique, It was a nice read. Mr. Green
    October 22nd, 2013 at 04:03pm
  • AngelicWasteland;

    AngelicWasteland; (100)

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    As always this is amazing, the description is good and the idea behind the story is nice as well... all in all this is well written! Good job!
    October 22nd, 2013 at 03:38pm