Just read what you've written of this series in its entirety and figured now would be as appropriate a time as any to comment on it.
While it is obvious you initially had some difficulty in the characters' personalities, by the second part of the series you'd managed a firm grasp on everyone, and it showed in the brilliantly witty banter.
You have a funny habit of switching perspectives without so much as a line break. It's disorienting and will sometimes prevent full immersion for your readers. Try limiting each chapter to one point of view, say only Lyndon, then the next another character whose perspective is relevant.
Overall, an entertaining read which ought to be continued, if you and your co-author ever find the desire.
If you'd ever like me to beta your story for you and fix any spelling and grammatical errors, feel free to PM me. This offer applies to more than this singular fic, obviously.
While it is obvious you initially had some difficulty in the characters' personalities, by the second part of the series you'd managed a firm grasp on everyone, and it showed in the brilliantly witty banter.
You have a funny habit of switching perspectives without so much as a line break. It's disorienting and will sometimes prevent full immersion for your readers. Try limiting each chapter to one point of view, say only Lyndon, then the next another character whose perspective is relevant.
Overall, an entertaining read which ought to be continued, if you and your co-author ever find the desire.
If you'd ever like me to beta your story for you and fix any spelling and grammatical errors, feel free to PM me. This offer applies to more than this singular fic, obviously.