Seduced by Intention - Comments

The beginning of the first chapter (and consequently the story) is one that I honestly don't like. It's so overused when it starts with the character being called by their parent to wake up, and I much prefer to have a story start with a little something rather than the character waking up (although if something happened when they were waking up, that could possibly work).

Although a story with more than one perspective needs a good 'introductory' first chapter, I felt like having two chapters that were basically the same in terms of what happened a bit useless. It was great to see the difference between Mercy and Verana but I felt like maybe chapter two could have visibly progressed the plot on from where chapter one finished.

I like the bonding in chapter three between Halley and Verana. The fact that both don't know their Gift (although I have a feeling that the latter will be a Shifter) was something that I liked reading them bond over.

Chapter four, I felt, described the two making out a bit too much. There's three paragraphs describing it before Mercy speaks up which didn't feel necessary because the make-out scene definitely doesn't seem incredibly important, and although the roommate strikes me as someone who will be a recurring character, having that much focus on her making-out with a guy felt too much like a filler, almost as if the chapter needed a bit more so you just slotted that in without it being needed.

Overall, the plot sounds interesting and I am intrigued about what the Gifts are and what exactly the school does. I understand that it's there for them to have help with it, but I assume there's probably a lot more to it than just that. A main thing I want to raise is how the chapters don't seem to follow on from each other. I know there's two characters, but chapter one and chapter two are literally the same events just for the different characters, while chapter three and chapter four are basically happening at the same time and don't follow on from the shower scene. Instead of chapter four being like that, you could have progressed to the next day, still had the drama with the roommate, but actually had progressed the overall plot a bit more.

As of right now, I'm unsure about how the title links in with the story. Nothing seems to clearly reflect why the title is what it is which leads me to assume that further on in the story it'll become clearer as to why it's called what it is. I do hope this continues as it has a lot of promise and can turn into something amazing when it actually gets into all the school action with their Gifts.

I simply adore this. :) The way you guys go around your female characters and their Gifts is really nice and interesting. I can't wait to see what their Gifts are. :)

You miss spelled stop in chapter 1, but other than that typo this sounds like a really interesting plot. I look forward to reading more =)

I always love reading your work, as I always find it imaginative and interesting, but with every story I read I approach it with little expectation. As always you haven't failed to produce a brilliant story.

As a co-write it works really well, both writing styles compliment one another and it runs smooth which is what you want, the description and how the characters differ really pulls people in and leaves them wanting to read more, just as the summary does.

Good job and I can't wait to read more :)

I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

I find this to be a very good story. The summary completely pulled me in and the chapters as well.

I could feel the attraction on the first chapter and I liked how it was brought up. Well done on that!

At the second chapter, I realized how different these two characters are, especially in terms of background.

Verana seems like the sweet, easy-going type of girl while Mercy is more serious and composed (kind of cold actually) but I like that.

I have to disagree with the comment below, your story doesn't lack emotion and that's because you showed exactly what you were trying to portray and that could be seen through the chapters (even if there are only two now).

I really like this so far, so don't give up (both of you).

The background of the layout is quite distracting and hurts my eyes so maybe if it was a more simple and plain background it would be easier to read.

The summary makes it sound interesting so I'm looking forward to reading it.

I'm only reading the first chapter but I'll read the second later if I get time. '8:00am' should be '8:00 a.m.' Also, you shouldn't use numbers like that when writing. You should say something like 'eight in the morning'. It looks better. 'How annoying is that.' should have a question mark after it, not a full stop. “I won't. And I'm in a hurry, I spent a little too long in the shower.” I replied, grabbing one last bagel as I was heading for the door. there should a comma after 'shower'.

Your writing is really lacking emotion. You always seem to 'tell' the reader everything that happens instead of showing it. Showing it through actions and words is a much less boring way than simply telling. Also, the start of this chapter about her getting up and getting ready to go could have been a lot shorter as it wasn't important.

The plot is very interesting so if you fixed up the few errors and maybe put a bit more emotion into your writing it would be better. I hope I don't sound too harsh!