Blissful Ignorance - Comments

First off, the look in the girl's eyes in the gif kind of freaks me out o.O

Anyway, I do quite like this drabble. It has an interesting story line and your character is developed well. This is a relatable topic to some people which makes this greater.

I did find that the banner didn't quite match the mood of the story. The banner made me think this was going to be about a crazy drug addict but in the end, I got a very solemn mood from her. I also found the repetition of She being used as a sentence starter and the stops made this piece kind of awkward. But this is still impacting.

I love how another escape for her is music. I think almost everyone can related to this. My favorite part of this is when the sleeping pills were described as a miracle.

All in all, this is a great piece :)

this is a very strong drabble & i can't help but fall for it. i've been in the oc's position one too many times & instead of sleeping pills found other drugs to honestly send me to peace out of desperation. along with the other comments, i do agree that some stops & words make the flow of this wondrous drabble a bit awkward, but all in all this is very emotionally impacting.

tho i'm not as critical as spellbound, i do believe that with a quick proofread, you can fix many of the spelling//grammar errors. good job on this tho!

WARNING: I leave what some people have said are "soul-crushing" comments. (Seriously, someone said that.) While I'm ultimately being as nice as I possibly can, I am also giving my advice. Some people are sensitive to it, no matter how nice or subtle I am. I also occasionally quote things in your story and correct them in based on my advice -- this is NOT me trying to "change your writing style" or "steal your story", simply trying to help you understand what I'm saying. If you don't think you are emotionally stable enough to take any of the listed things above, do not read this comment.


This layout... is okay. The colors don't really work in my opinion, especially the blue text which tends to give people headaches. I also don't really like the banner, because it has text all over it that doesn't pertain to the story at all. The animation is also very distracting, and I personally found myself scrolling down past it as soon as I was able to. I would pick something that fits the tone of the story more, something that says what kind of story you're about to read. The current banner implies that the story will have a whimsical or playful undertone, which it doesn't at all. Layouts are very much based on personal opinion, however, so take all of this with a grain (or bag) of salt.



I quite like the title. It's a bit of a mouthful and doesn't imply the correct mood to the story (like the layout), because the mood is much darker than "Blissful Ignorance" sounds. However it does tie in with the story well -- particularly the ending. I love how you actually put the title in the end part of the story. Well done! This is a great title. :) No qualms about the summary either, because I know how hard it is to write a summary for things under 500 words.


I noticed that you start off many sentences with "she" which tends to disrupt the flow. For example:

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She sat in her room, trying to figure out what to do. She was nearing her last resort. There was no one to talk to, nowhere she could go, she had no escape. She gently moved off the bed as if she'd disturb her parents from arguing. She walked over near a basket and grabbed a small yellow box. She anxiously took the top off the box and found what she needed. Sleeping pills.

See how the repetition disrupts how you read it? It makes you hesitate every time you read a sentence, which breaks the immersion and way you feel for the character. Instead, try changing it to get the same result. Something like this, for example:

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She sat in her room, trying to figure out what to do. There's no one to talk to, nowhere to go, and no escape -- she's nearing her last resort. Moving off the bed, as if she'd disturb her parents from arguing, she walks over near a basket and grabbed a small yellow box. Taking the top off anxiously, she finds exactly what she needed. Sleeping pills.

I also feel like the flow of your writing is disrupted, for the reasons I already listed and because of commas. You seem to use a lot of simple sentences without commas. Try using sentences with commas, semicolons, emdashes, etc., as they keep it varied and read more smoothly. Here's a website that helps with that.

Maybe try adding some more details and adjectives, as well, to help the reader visualize what you're saying as a picture and help with background history. Details help the reader feel like they're in the story and can see what's going on like a movie. It just makes the experience richer. For example, maybe change this:

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The screams grow louder, echoing inside her room. The broken door didn't help of course. She sat in her room, trying to figure out what to do. She was nearing her last resort. There was no one to talk to, nowhere she could go, she had no escape. She gently moved off the bed as if she'd disturb her parents from arguing. She walked over near a basket and grabbed a small yellow box. She anxiously took the top off the box and found what she needed. Sleeping pills.

to something like this:

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The screams grow louder, echoing inside her room. The broken door, torn off its hinges by her father, doesn't help. She sat atop her disheveled bed in her room, trying desperately to figure out what to do. She was nearing her last resort. There's no friends or family to talk to, nowhere she can go to escape. She gently moved off the bed as if she'd disturb her bickering parents from arguing. She walked over to a brown wicker basket in the floor and pulled out a small yellow box. Without any hesitation, she anxiously took the top off and found what she needed. Sleeping pills.

I also think connecting the character's thoughts to their actions would help you, because right now it just seems like you're reading something written by another person, then looking at the character's movements - instead of them being her thoughts, she seems disconnected and it's hard to sympathize. For example:

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She sat in her room, trying to figure out what to do. She was nearing her last resort. There was no one to talk to, nowhere she could go, she had no escape. She gently moved off the bed as if she'd disturb her parents from arguing. She walked over near a basket and grabbed a small yellow box.

We have no idea why she gets up at that moment to get the box. Yes, she doesn't know where to turn to, but it seems like she's had those feelings for awhile now -- it's not like it just hit her, like she just realized it. Thus, her movement at that moment to get the box is a bit confusing. Maybe do something like this:

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She sat in her room, trying to figure out what to do. She was nearing her last resort. There was no one to talk to, nowhere she could go, she had no escape. The thoughts are beginning to well up in her overwhelming her. With a sigh, unable to take anymore torment, she gently moved off the bed as if she'd disturb her parents from arguing. She walked over near a basket and grabbed a small yellow box.

As for the things I really loved about this draft, your comparisons are very wonderful. I think that this line is genius and it was very inspirational:

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Both of them worked as a shield from the ongoing battle throughout her house. They gave her a peace that she looked for.

Overall, I really like the way you describe things as well. Like in this sentence:

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She grabbed the bottle containing her miracle and screwed the top off.

I love how you used the word "miracle" instead of medicine or something equally as boring. This is a GREAT way to convey her emotions onto the reader, and really enhances it and tells you how desperate she is. I really, really loved this and it inspired me to do similar things in my own writing. :)


You have a tendency of switching tense. For example, this:

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The screams grow louder, echoing inside her room. The broken door didn't help of course.

switches from the current (grow) to the past (didn't). This is by far one of the worst mistakes people can make, as it (like starting off sentences with the same word) makes you hesitate when you read. It can also be confusing and portray the opposite of what you want to say. The correct version would be one of these, depending on which tense you want to use:

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The screams grow louder, echoing inside her room. The broken door doesn't help of course.
The screams grew louder, echoing inside her room. The broken door didn't help of course.

But, besides that one issue, I see absolutely no mistakes in this piece. Your spelling is wonderful and amazing and flawless, your grammar is on-par... It's great. It's rare to find a piece on Mibba that's so well-done in this department, so this is really a goldmine for people like me.


Though I can see that you were trying to portray a very desperate situation onto the reader... After reading it, I just felt like I did before doing so. You really don't ever get attached to the character, because you don't know her name nor anything about her personality. Yes, she is in a very hopeless situation, but people tend to not care unless they have a reason to. Try adding some details about the character, I feel like that would help more than any other advice I've given you.


This is a GREAT piece. You have a few mistakes here and there (mostly the flow) but otherwise it's very good. Though the plot line is a bit cliche, your use of comparisons and unique word choice make it, overall, quite enjoyable. Good job, I'll definitely read some more of your works!

DISCLAIMER: I never try to hurt anyone's feelings while leaving comments, and if I have offended the author(s) with my advice, I greatly apologize - it was never my intention. In my comments, I strive to help people with their writing and help them improve, rather than leave a cliche comment like "I loved it, please update." or something similar. I do focus more on the cons of a story than the pros - but that's just to help. Saying "I loved how you did x, y, and z." ultimately doesn't help the author improve. Lastly, this comment has just been my opinion, nothing more. There is no concrete rule set on how to write because it's a soul-freeing, emotional, and creative process. If you don't like any of my advice or think it sounds stupid -- ignore it.

After reading a few of your drabbles I think that you use fullstops a bit too much, so the sentences don't flow as nicely. I know I'm sometimes guilty of this as well but I think for your kind of writing style replacing fullstops with commas would make for a better flow and sentence structure. That's just my thoughts at least.

I like the idea of the drabble, and I thought you had some really good sentences in it. I felt that your character had good depth to her.

While reading it though i felt like it was choppy, instead of using periods I'd add some more commas. Adding more comas will help the story flow. The description I found a bit repetative, an example being the "broken door". I wouldn't always mention it as "the broken door", instead I'd try something else like "her bedroom door". You've already mentioned it being broken, so as a reader I already had an idea of what the door looks like.

Good job! Keep it up!

I will gladly take this drabble's comment virginity.

I like this drabble's title. Seems interesting.

I liked how this drabble had to do with finding a way to rest while the narrator's parents were fighting loud enough to not let her sleep otherwise. Your descriptions were really good in this and I can say that I honestly enjoyed reading this drabble. Well done in describing such a situation with the way you did.

~Marian.