Bad Day - Comments

  • Tipsy.

    Tipsy. (100)

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    NaNoWriMo 2015
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    Aw, this was so cute. But again...where's my typical good ending? Sad
    But you know what, I'm simply in love with the last line.
    I bet if I'd written something like this, I'd make the girl and guy come together and give a good kick to Mr. Justin. Huh...This was far more realistic though. I enjoyed all of it.
    Great work! Keep it up! Mr. Green
    March 26th, 2014 at 06:16am
  • TombRaider

    TombRaider (100)

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    I adore this piece and the questions it left behind make me hope for a sequel or at least a continuation of more chapters. :)
    February 18th, 2014 at 06:51pm
  • TombRaider

    TombRaider (100)

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    I adore this piece and the questions it left behind make me hope for a sequel or at least a continuation of more chapters. :)
    February 18th, 2014 at 06:51pm
  • little man;

    little man; (100)

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    Hey, i'm here to judge my Just A Text Away contest, sorry it took so long

    I, too, find it really weird that she's wearing cologne. It's like she's wearing the guy's perfume without being with him which is really confusing me.

    I also feel like the piece is way too support to support itself fully with that many chapter's changes. I think that the idea is brilliant but to make look that brilliant, the story would need to be longer and fuller of details that we didn't get and that I was waiting for.

    Lets be honest, I don't understand at all why Justin is acting like that, mostly because you didn't feel to need to say it to us, and normally I like having to figure things out, but in that case, not knowing and being left without a clue just annoyed me.

    But I do like the story overall, expect those details that bothered me, it is a simple story that made my heart ache and I always like that.
    January 4th, 2014 at 09:02am
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    Women don't wear cologne--they were perfume. If she's wearing men's cologne you might want to specify that.

    Her jeans hug her feet? Are they too long?

    What is 'that' kind of girl? The kind of girl who isn't bother by petty things like exposed bra straps? Or is there another definition of 'that' kind of girl?

    Is and Was…interesting names lol. I personally think a piece like this needs to be chaptered--there was so much missing detail that I really didn't connect with anyone. Was seemed like the most obnoxious, obsessive person ever and I wanted him to go away. Not saying that Justin was any better considering all the subtle threats. But this definitely needed to be longer so we could understand what really happened between these three. Obviously we get the gist but I think a longer account would be so much better.
    December 23rd, 2013 at 11:30pm
  • DevilboyKyle

    DevilboyKyle (100)

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    I like how their names are Is and Was nad how you switched POVs. If I have to say, then switching POVs and tenses aded to the story. The idea of the names as well as the title you gave to the oneshot itself along with the rest of the package made this story a really good one with the mystery and the drama going on.

    Good job!
    December 5th, 2013 at 11:40pm
  • DevilboyKyle

    DevilboyKyle (100)

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    I like the layout and the banner - they are very pleasing to my eyes. Simple enough and fitting this type of story.

    I like your descriptions, they were detailed enough for the scene which unfolded on my mind. I have to disagree with the comment below because each novel isn't the same and this type of story for theat very scene needed the attention you have given to it with your descriptions as well as feelings and thoughts between the ex-couple.
    December 5th, 2013 at 11:35pm
  • wicked ways

    wicked ways (100)

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    I like the layout, it's nice and simple and easy to read.

    After reading just the first few paragraphs, your writing style is getting a little tedious. It seems as if you're over describing everything. You should try to leave some of it to the reader's imagination, it's boring for the reader if everything is there already. If someone wanted to not use their imagination they would watch a movie instead of read.

    ‘’How was your lesson babe?’’ Justin asked me with the same eyes he had.: There should a comma after 'lesson'.

    I loved him so much and the way he stared at me while I was in Justin’s arms was breaking my heart to pieces again and again. I held back the tears that wanted to form in my eyes but I had to hide quickly. I had to go somewhere away from his gaze so I could let my tears fall freely. I couldn’t handle my feelings and every day that went by, it was getting harder.: Ok, no offence but it seems very forced and over dramatic. I think you should show how she is feeling rather than explaining everything because right now I'm not feeling any emotion.

    The POV switching was quite confusing until I read the author's note so maybe you shouldn't do that. Or you could make it into a short story and have each chapter a different person's POV with the person's name as the title of the chapter to make it easier to understand.

    I didn't really enjoy this too much. It was very cliche. If you had used more emotion in the writing I would have enjoyed it more but it all seemed very cliche and over dramatic. If you improved on the writing it could be a good story.
    December 5th, 2013 at 04:19pm
  • Theo Rossi;

    Theo Rossi; (150)

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    Oh, my. This is so tragically beautiful. I don't know what to say. I was hoping for a happy ending because I'm a sucker for happy endings. Then it's just like 'Justin, back off'.

    The layout is wonderful. I love it. Enough said about that.

    There is just one part that I'm having a bit of an issue with. '...so I could let my back bag on my seat.' Let isn't really the word. The word should be something like set, leave, put, placed. Let is kind of like to allow something to happen like Let's go there.
    November 26th, 2013 at 07:15pm
  • broken-angel

    broken-angel (100)

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    Are going to write more? please do
    November 24th, 2013 at 09:01pm