Her Black Cross - Comments

I’m here as the new host for ‘The Writing Contest’.

This is definitely an intriguing concept with the whole gang thing. I liked that it was a “clean” girl gang, too. I thought it was interesting that Mia sleeping with Havoc was the only reason the men left their gang alone, but I liked that little touch of them not doing heavier and harder stuff because of the guilt. I’m not sure what to make of Mia and Faith’s relationship at all, especially with Mia just stringing Faith along. It actually makes it infuriating for Faith’s entire life and thought process to revolve around Mia as much as it does. I couldn’t see why Faith would be so obsessed at all.

Your writing tends to get a little choppy because, at times, it feels like you’re rushing and glossing over details but then you have moments where you’re too detailed. Like in chapter nine, that whole scene where Faith is getting dressed is too excessive. The clumsy transitions in scenes and the lack of detail in some areas create this really awkward flow that I can’t get into. I couldn’t connect to Faith or any of the actual story on a whole because I was too confused at times from a lack of detail, like you were skimming. I’m not sure. I would definitely recommend fleshing out your details to help.

Other than that, I do think this is an interesting story with a lot of promise. I like the dynamics you’re creating, although I’m still not sure how I feel about Mia and Faith’s.

Hey, here as the new judge for the "Do Whatever You Want" contest!

I have to admit, it took me a couple of chapters to get into this but somehow I managed to go through all chapters that are up when I'd decided to only read about five. I know the chapters start off shorter than the rest and perhaps that's part of why it took me a while to feel interested, but it did have an effect for the rest of my read.

The one thing I am very certain of is that I absolutely do not like Faith. She's the narrator so we're stuck with her for the whole thing, but her entire attitude and worship of Mia is desperate and pathetic and people like her I feel no sympathy for. I gather that I should but after a while it just gets tedious - Mia ditches her, neglects her, and this isn't a one-off occasion, and yet she doesn't do anything apart from wallow in her unhappiness. The people who just don't ever help themselves annoy me, and I reckon you did a mighty fine job with conveying that about her. Faith seems to have no drive about anything other than Mia despite the fact that Mia doesn't appear to give a toss about her.

While I loved hating Faith, I must admit that the story itself didn't really hold much appeal for me, and whether that's because half the time it consists of Faith harping after Mia, I'm not sure. So the depiction of the character was a firm favourite, but not too intrigued by the story.

Short chapters usually keep me away but this was very powerful and I love Faiths emotions with Mia. Great work! I always enjoy your stuff!

Mibba Candy Bowl: Pumpkin Spice Latte

Wow, I really like the poem in your summary? Did you write it yourself, it's very smooth and definitely paints a picture.

I'm going to say that I've only read about half of your story, but overall this is my favourite line is in the first chapter about the cigarette, I think it depicts a serious picture of your story and what is yet to come.

I also have to say that I hate your main character, not because she's poorly written (she is well written), but just because I dislike people like her. People who cannot make a change for themselves.

The beginning chapters are short, and I sort of feel like they're a lot of the same. They're a wee bit disjointed, but they carry the point that she is depressed easily. I think there's too much of that -- not enough movement in the beginning makes a story difficult to get into, unless you really relate to the main character, which I don't.

I sort of understand the situation between Mia and Faith. The narrator is very passionate in her ideas and a bit obsessive. She's weak and I half think that Mia makes her that way on purpose. The family scene was a bit interesting, with the twins? It was a good change of pace and showed that the character was capable of doing something other then day dreaming.

I'm glad to see someone divulge into this kind of topic. I don't think a lot of people realize how difficult it is to pull yourself out of a situation, especially when you feel utterly alone. I'm not sure if you've been in something like this yourself -- this is written in a lot of detail with a shit tonne of passion -- since it's difficult to try to comprehend this kind of life disaster, but I really hope that you haven't and that you keep writing this story.

This isn't the type of story I typically read, but I have to say that I'm enjoying this! I can't quite make myself like Mia, even as more is revealed about why her relationship with Havoc started. She just seems horribly selfish to me, and I can't stand what she's doing to Faith, who obviously loves her very much. I do like Anna so far, and the twins.

I love how your writing is descriptive and literally makes me feel the emotions that the character's are feeling, yet you don't overdo it and weigh your readers down with too much. Definitely recommending and subscribing! I wanna know what happens next!

I really want to read more about Mia's guy.

It's amazing how this story makes me think and how much I can feel what your character goes through. I really like Faith and I hope you update soon because the last chapter was a huge blow on me. <3

I like Faith, I like how much she loves and misses Mia because of everything that's going on between them. I'm interested in their gang and the bossy style Faith has with her gang when Mia is absent. I can't wait for the next chapter, so post soon missy. c:

I love this. It's very different than other stories I've read.

The first few really short chapters pull you in and you really establish a sort of personal connection with Faith. You can feel her sadness and how much she misses Mia even though they're living together. The way you wrote it was beautiful and very poetic. Though by the third chapter I was a little bored of her just sitting around being all mopey. I was glad when things actually started happening (then it turned out to be a dream) but then things actually did start happening haha :D

I have to say I like Faith a lot more when she isn't miss gloomy pants. I'm guessing she's a bad ass since the gang seems to respect and fear her so much. Can't wait to see her in action.

I honestly didn't know what to expect reading this. The gang thing really surprised me but I like how she thinks of them as a family. It helps me understand Mia and Faith's relationship a little bit more. I can definitely feel the passion between the two, or at least the passion of Faith's feelings by the way you write her thoughts. I'm still a little confused by the relationship though but maybe it's just me. I don't know if they are just really really close friends and they sleep in the same bed and Faith has a huge crush on her. Or if they are actually in a relationship. Now that I've seen how Faith and her gang interact with each other, I want to know more about her and Mia's relationship. Mia is a very mysterious person and I don't know if I should like her or not yet. She slapped Faith in the first chapter so I guess she a pretty hot tempered person. No wonder she's the boss. Do they fight a lot? Does Mia love Faith just as much? Is Mia even bothered by what she's doing anymore? Does she realize how much she's hurting Faith? Does she even care? Can't wait to find out more about her.

Back to the gang thing. I guess I'm sort of confused by why they need a gang. Do they live in a bad area where gangs are common and almost a necessity or is it just two groups of friends who don't like each other and fight some time? I hope you touch on that in the future.

I curious to see where this goes. Honestly, I want Faith to just get over Mia. She seems like such a strong character and then Mia is there acting as an anchor and weighing her down. I wonder if the girls are going to find out about what Mia is actually doing and how they'll react to it. Also I have a feeling another fight is going to break out soon. Hopefully we can see Faith kick some ass :)

I really like this. I'm subscribing and I'll be awaiting your next chapter

I just started reading this story and I love it. So intriguing and different and I like the short chapters. They may be short but they are not short on details and beautiful writing.

This is GOLD!!! How can you manage to write something like that? Your characters, and their feelings...it's just awesome. :) Post soon.

I'm really loving this. c:

This story gets right into the action and draws the reader in, which I like. The whole slap in the face actually works really well with the short, emphatic sentences that you've used and also, in extension, to the short chapters. You give all of the information in these short blasts and it really works and keeps the attention right the way through.

I think what I like the most, though, is that Mia is always at the front of his mind. The black clock - Mia. The sofa - Mia. MP3 player - Mia. It's really interesting and I look forward to seeing how that works in conjunction with this gang and everything else that seems to be going on.

All in all, good job!

This was interesting, I feel like I'm missing a lot of the background and it's weird to dive into a story without being introduced properly, otherwise I enjoyed it. Good job.

I thought summary was filled with a lot of good emotion, not like happiness kind of emotion, but the anguish.

She lied as easily as she changed clothes while leaving the messy sheets with his smell there...on our bed. - I really liked this line, good metaphor.

I also like that the chapters aren't overly long, but their is still a lot of information given so it isn't boring and it leaves you with questions.

I think it's pretty good, from what I read which was three chapters I believe. I like the narration, you can feel their grief and bitterness.

So far, this story is very open - it could literally go one way or the other. I love the simplicity of it, and the short chapters give the reader little snippets of what's going on. I'd really like to see where this goes, and where Faith and Mia will end up. Nice work

I like where this is going. No doubt you are doing a well damn job on this. <3

I think I should leave you comment about my thoughts on this.

First of the summary; it's one of the best I've seen yet. It drags you into the story without even starting to read it which is what made read this. The layout fits perfectly as well, it gives a sense of darkness which is one thing I love about stories.

The short style you've got going on with the chapters also fits perfectly with your story. I don't think this story actually need long chapters, it doesn't seem like a long chaptered story. Even with the short style, you seem to fit a lot of detail in it, as well as emotion. Each chapter has kept me wanting more and more. Each chapter gives you even more of an insight.

From the very beginning I was dragged into this, I'm really looking forward to reading more of this. I'm excited to see how all this pans out and to how it ends. You've done a fantastic job at making everything work and fit perfectly.

I'll try to review chapter by chapter and I look forward to your updates!

Once again, the short style is still working perfectly. I really don't see anything wrong with this chapter that I can point out at the moment. It's a fabulous chapter once again. If I'm honest I couldn't possibly predict anything with this story.

Overall, another great update and as usual you've got me wanting more already. I like the idea of you using your old self as a part of the story, it gives people an insight into who you were and who you are now. Looking forward to reading more! :)

In the first chapter, first paragraph, second sentence you have The fact that she had been lying at me... that should be The fact that she had been lying to me...

In the second chapter, second paragraph, second sentence you have I had been thinking about it for the past three months, ninety days, seven hours, forty-seven minutes and six seconds. Three months and ninety days doesn’t really make sense to me? Just because three months is ninety days. Maybe if you put a period in place of the comma and make the days, hours, minutes, and seconds a separate sentence it would work better? Also, put a comma after myself in the last sentence in the same paragraph.

In the third chapter, third paragraph and sentence, you have Thanks to the open window, the moonlight was shining on the side of the wall the clock was at. That ‘at’ should be on. And in the fourth paragraph you have leaving room that should be living room or sitting room.

All of that is just me being knit-picky though. I thought your story was brilliant. I want to see where it’s going to go. Like who is this man that Mia is with and how has your narrator become such a heartless beast in her eyes? I also loved that line in chapter two A beast filled with insanity and never-ending thoughts dancing around in my head; thoughts which always ended with me – seeking her. That’s such a powerful sentiment. And you are very right, this is filled with emotions, and it leaves me wanting more with each chapter. I think you have something very beautiful on your hands here.