December 30th, 2013 at 06:50am
It might just be me, but the first sentence, "Slow and gentle and flakes fall.", doesn't quite make sense to me, but as I said, that's probably just me.
The way you continue to explain the time further creates this scene in the reader's mind of what's going on and helps set the mood perfectly! I loved the bit about the warm drinks because I know for a fact I do that around this time of year and it really helped me understand and grasp the feel.When you tell about who speaks to Snowellda, I think you have your punctuation a bit off. You write: "A friend of mine that goes by the name of Flora said." I think it would make more sense and flow even better if you added commas after "mine" and "Flora." Just my own little opinion!
The dialogue between Snowellda and Flora is great and so natural sounding that, even if you hadn't announced Flora as her friend already, you would be able to tell instantly that the two were very close. It adds a great sense of realism to the story! Through the interaction, you really start to wonder about Snowellda's character and how you ended the chapter was just such a clincher! It's really gotten me wondering why being a fairy isn't normal!
You description is good and not too overbearing, allowing the reader to really imagine the setting for themselves. The father-daughter relationship is interesting and it makes me want to know more! Then the way you end it.... you just love cliffhangers, don't you? Haha, it's so addictive! Really, great job on this! Keep up the good work!
Your story was very well done, I liked reading the chapters that you have posted to it. I was surprised by the end of the first chapter when you revealed that Snowellda (whose name I love by the way owo) was a fairy. It was a surprise to see such a fantasy element be added into the story, but it was definitely a good surprise that worked for the story.
I liked your descriptions and how you described the character. I'm quite fond of Snowellda, she seems like a very interesting character in how she thinks and acts. All of your characters are very relatable and well written, you did a nice job on portraying them in the story. I think one of my favorite parts of the description you used was when you were describing the way the snow bent the trees and made them cry. It's a very unique description I think, which is what captured my attention to it in particular. I've never heard someone describe the snowfall on trees quite like that. Obscure descriptions can be good when used well and I think you used it very well.
With that said, I did notice a reoccurring error with the dialogue in your story. In the story, you seem to end your dialogue with a period even if it's followed by an attribution. An attribution is things like he said, she said, Snowdella cried. Just things like indicate who is speaking and how they're saying it. If dialogue is followed by an attribution, it's proper to use a comma to end the sentence if the sentence would normally end in a period. If it ends in an exclamation point or a question mark, then you should definitely use those. The rules only applies to periods. For example, in the dialogue "Wonderful dad. Just wonderful." I said with a smile and saw him sigh in relief, you ended the dialogue with a period but you followed it with an attribution (I said). Instead of the period after Just wonderful, you should use a comma instead because of the attribution.... I hope all of that made sense. ^^"
Another, albeit smaller, error that I saw in the story was the one kim wonshik also mentioned down there. The opening sentence of Slow and gentle and flakes fall doesn't make too much sense and from the looks of it, I think you just added an extra and into the story. I would recommend removing the and that is between gentle and flakes, it would help the story flow much better.
Overall, your story was a good read. You've got a decent start to your story and it would be interesting to see where you take it, especially since you added the elements of fairies into your story. You did well on the story, good job. ^^