Let me start off by saying that I like the layout and the short summary for this piece. It really makes me wonder what she's hiding, what that secret is about.
Now, on to the actual story. I will write a different section for each chapter so that you know what I'm talking about. Let's get started,s hall we?
Chapter 1/5: The scene which introduces as to the story is pretty good and I've actually been to the same situation too. Realistic!
The way you continued by pointing out he had a girlfriend with that way and her friend is class passing her that note and finding out that he was with his girlfriend for two years already was a nice way to continue this piece.
So she feels like she's always unlucky when it comes to love? I wonder why.
On to chapter 2/5: You have to space up the paragraphs and dialogue.
Of course when we like someone, we try to get closer to them so of course I understand how they turned out as best friends even though Evina has other things in her mind.
Don't just go on and state what they wear, describe them as they move, as they speak - just stating the fact isn't adding to the story, if something, it take spoints off.
The comment Evina a bit awkward but she let it slip I know what you wanted to say here but this sentence needs editing. It doesn't make sense.
“Really? Mind showing me?” She joked, Callum choked on the water he was drinking. “Oh my god, Callum, I’m sorry!” Evina said but laughed any way because his face was priceless. “Oh darling, I could show you if you like”, he mumbled seductively and walked to Evina. I like that scene.
She was a virgin, it must have hurt a bit. If not, you should have explained why. Sex scenes are hard to write if you don't of the order needed to do things.
Chapter 3/5: Her reactions were a bit over dramatic, if you had went into more details you could have changed that.
He asked her if he took her virginity? He didn't realize it when he was having sex with her? Unrealistic, sorry - points off.
Every guy who could get just sex wouldn't miss the opportunity, she's dumb to accept.
Chapter 4/5: Four years later and she still feels the same excitement, I understand that because they are not in a relationship.
Jade seems like a good friend, the advice she gave her was good.
The rest of the chapter was rushed. You could really add more to it.
Chapter 5/5: I got the point of the argument and the mention of that movie and how everything led to that argument, how they screwed up while they were ''in love''. Callum wasn't in love with her, if he was, you didn't show it to us. The ending of the chapter didn't seem like the end of a story. It's like a chapter is missing.
I give this piece six out of ten writing pens.
Thank you very much for your entry. Don't forget to check the contest later today to see the results. Good luck!
I'm here to read this entry for my Quotes used as Summaries Contest.
Let me start off by saying that I like the layout and the short summary for this piece. It really makes me wonder what she's hiding, what that secret is about.
Now, on to the actual story.
Chapter 1/5:
The scene which introduces as to the story is pretty good and I've actually been to the same situation too. Realistic!
The way you continued by pointing out he had a girlfriend with that way and her friend is class passing her that note and finding out that he was with his girlfriend for two years already was a nice way to continue this piece.
So she feels like she's always unlucky when it comes to love? I wonder why.
On to chapter 2/5:
You have to space up the paragraphs and dialogue.
Of course when we like someone, we try to get closer to them so of course I understand how they turned out as best friends even though Evina has other things in her mind.
Don't just go on and state what they wear, describe them as they move, as they speak - just stating the fact isn't adding to the story, if something, it take spoints off.
The comment Evina a bit awkward but she let it slip
I know what you wanted to say here but this sentence needs editing. It doesn't make sense.
“Really? Mind showing me?” She joked, Callum choked on the water he was drinking. “Oh my god, Callum, I’m sorry!” Evina said but laughed any way because his face was priceless.
“Oh darling, I could show you if you like”, he mumbled seductively and walked to Evina.
I like that scene.
She was a virgin, it must have hurt a bit. If not, you should have explained why. Sex scenes are hard to write if you don't of the order needed to do things.
Chapter 3/5:
Her reactions were a bit over dramatic, if you had went into more details you could have changed that.
He asked her if he took her virginity? He didn't realize it when he was having sex with her? Unrealistic, sorry - points off.
Every guy who could get just sex wouldn't miss the opportunity, she's dumb to accept.
Chapter 4/5:
Four years later and she still feels the same excitement, I understand that because they are not in a relationship.
Jade seems like a good friend, the advice she gave her was good.
The rest of the chapter was rushed. You could really add more to it.
Chapter 5/5:
I got the point of the argument and the mention of that movie and how everything led to that argument, how they screwed up while they were ''in love''. Callum wasn't in love with her, if he was, you didn't show it to us. The ending of the chapter didn't seem like the end of a story. It's like a chapter is missing.
I give this piece six out of ten writing pens.
Thank you very much for your entry.
-Marian.