Awakening - Comments

Firstly the layout is nice because it isn't distracting at all, not to mention the background is such a pretty color and cool pattern

The summary is good but it just feels like it's missing something. I think it should be more like "She had a perfect life. A beautiful baby daughter, a cosy cottage house and a loving husband, but..." and then you give a tiny bit of insight to the not so perfect part of her life.

Chapter 1: I love the description you used to describe Dawn and Claire's appearences, it flows beautifully and it gives the reader a clear image of what the girls look like. Same goes for the way you described the nursery and cottage. I thought this chapter was a nice little introduction.

Chapter 2: I obviously can't physically see the characters but as I read this chapter I found myself smiling because of how cute baby Claire is. Reading this reminded me of all the babies I've taken care of kind of made me nostalgic seeing as they're grown up now.

Chapter 2: As I read this chapter I found myself smiling because of how cute baby Claire is. It reminded me of all the babies I've taken care of kind of made me nostalgic seeing as they're grown up now. I like how at the end the mood changes from happy to suspenseful. The last line definitely makes me want to read the next chapter and find out who is at the door. I have a feeling it was just her husband though.

Chapter 3: Yeah, called it. Ooh, I wonder why her husband is acting so weird. Also I don't really think this sentence flows: "Her eyebrows furrowed and she bit her lip, and she was staring out into the vivid green background of forestry." I think it should be something more along the lines of "She furrowed her eyebrows and bit her lip as she stared out into the vivid green background of forestry."

Chapter 4: I don't really have much to say about this chapter other than I'm really excited to find out what the heck is up with Troy.

Chapter 5: Once again, great description. I can really visualise the scene you're setting when she is running through the forest. WHAT THE HELL, I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT. I thought it was going to turn out that he was possessed or something. Wow, that gave me goose bumps. I felt so sorry for Dawn while she panicked and tried to move Troy. I know they're fictional but those damn workers should have tried harder.

I'm not the best at grammar so some of these corrections may be wrong but I just felt like this is how these sentenses should have gone:

"Her brown doe eyes trailed down to her watch, ‘11:30am,’ it read."

"‘Not that unusual,’ she thought before continuing her contemplation, ‘factory workers tended to get into a few brawls during the work day,’ she gauged the situation before deciding it wouldn’t hurt to take a look."

"Most of the workers moved aside"

So this was a rollercoaster of emotions. I love how you showed that life can change in an instant, it can be perfect one minute and then upside down the next. I kind of wish we got an explination for why Troy committed suicide seeing as their life was seemingly flawless but this was still a really great story.

Oh wow, I think this is the longest comment I've ever posted on a story. Anyway, I'm definitely recommending this

I really enjoyed the repetition of ending every chapter with a simple sentence that made me wonder what was about to happen. Your descriptions were well done throughout, so nice job on that! You need to work on your tenses with this story, though. You kept on changing from past to present (example from the last chapter: she jogged... then she takes off... then she thought... then she advances...). I think either would work well for this story, so perhaps pick one and edit it to be consistent throughout. Jeez, the ending was just awful. I could really feel Dawn's panic and heartbreak when she found Troy and tried to get him to move. Such a tragic ending

(Valentine's Day Giveaway Comment)

I want to start and say I love the story layout. Simple but really pretty.

The summary was good but doesn't add up with the short summary. It sounded like she got kidnapped or was in an abusuve relationship from the short summary and in the longer summary it sounded like she had the perfect life. Then you read the first 2 chapters and everything is great except for the last sentence in chapter 2. I'm guessing all the action happens in chapter 3?

I love the names in the story but I feel like it should be told from 1st person point of view. The name Dawn is used a lot and I know it is 3rd person point of view, but still. It makes the story flow not as smoothly.

This is a good start though and update soon!

Hey there! I just finished reading this piece; I'm going to comment on everything I thought of as I read your piece in order so I don't forget anything.

I love your layout! Though I am not sure yet as to how it complements your story, I like how this has bright colors while still being simple and legible. As a reader, I wasn't distracted by it, and I was still able to read the contents so that is a great bonus. Though like I said...I wonder how it works with the story? Maybe it's just that it's early into the developments.

The summary...I don't really mind an understated/simple one-liner summaries so I think it's fine. It leaves a feel of mystery and sort-of false peace to it---kinda like a passive-aggressive foreshadow?? (Is that even a thing? Do you know what I mean?) So yea, I like it.

So onto the story! So far so good; I like how you have some details in here so far. But I would say don't hold back with detailing; I would say the more details, the better. I like it when writers can vividly paint the scene, from the setting to the dialogue and expressions of the characters; even the smallest thing adds to the touch! Though I am not sure if this way of story telling is by design or just your style of writing. Either way it is pretty well done, I suppose the detailing thing is my preference. =)
Another bonus, I caught no spelling/grammar errors! Thank you! This is one of my bigger pet peeves; when I come across a story that seems like the writer didn't put an effort in editing. But that is not the case here and it's nice to be able to read through your chapters without being distracted by bumps like errors.

Overall, this is a great start! I know I didn't have a whole lot to give constructive criticism on, but like I said, this is clearly a young story. But it already looks promising! Keep up the great work!!

I really like the use of description, lots of visual description. :)