The Heart of the Warmest Soul - Comments

  • n. josten

    n. josten (1270)

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    Ghoul of 2016
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    Wow wow wow, this was such a wonderful and powerful piece. Like it punched me right in the heart. I love a good feel-good story, especially with such an ominous beginning. I thought (though this could have been the pessimist in me, of course) that something awful was going to happen to the kids in the awful blizzard. I’m not used to things going so well and smoothly in stories, so I prepared for the worst. I felt all warm and tingly when I realized that nothing bad was going to happen and instead good things! Perfect things! Happy endings! I loved that so much. The quick pacing didn’t bother me as much as I thought it was going to (which I’ll address in a moment) because sometimes you have to just mold your fictional world away from the horrible things in real life. This was such a heartwarming one-shot, like wow. Feels everywhere.

    I have two little bits of critique, one which I’ve already somewhat brought up.

    Straight up: yes, the pacing is very quick. Of course, I was aware that these kids were not bad people and were in desperate need of a home, but I would have loved to have experienced Penny and Earl getting to know the kids before they take them in. I would have loved to continue seeing Penny act as a mother, warm and open and comforting. Safe. The fact that they immediately want to adopt the kids is so sweet but I definitely would have loved to have seen them get to know each other before that jump. I think it would have added more dimension and emotion to the fact that Penny and Earl wanted to adopt them.

    And my second point is that you definitely need to proofread or have someone else proofread for you. There were a lot of missing words throughout. I could fill in the gaps because of the context of the sentence, but it was very distracting to have the prose kind of… skip around the way that it did. At one point, you added a very random ‘I’ in the middle of a sentence. It was strange and I hate that it was so distracting because it took a little something away from the story.

    Other than that, I thought this was such a sweet and pure one-shot with so many emotions! Fantastic job.
    July 13th, 2017 at 09:36am
  • January Rose

    January Rose (100)

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    @ rainbebez.tears.
    Thanks for your comment. I hve fixed the mistakes and sorry for that little mix up. I thought I had fixed everything, but mistakes happen. :)
    I may turn this one-shot into a chaptered story, but I'm not 100% sure. But thanks again for reading! Cute
    February 1st, 2014 at 11:34pm
  • Shatterheart

    Shatterheart (140)

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    Firstly, I think the layout is very lovely. I love the color and it is easy to read. The summary, I think could us a little bit more work.
    The bit: "3 children are out in the cold freezing..."
    Were you trying to say "cold and freezing" or "cold, freezing."? I'm not sure but the two adjectives put together throws me off a bit.

    On the the chapter. I like the start, and the bit of detail you have in here.
    I think this is a spelling error---
    "I glace down my little sister and see her shivering ..."~I'm assuming you meant to say "glance".

    I sort of wish that this wasn't a one-shot; I'm not a big fan of changing POV's in the middle of a chapter as it really disrupts the flow of the story as I read the chapter. IN my opinion, it might be better to make it one POV per chapter, so it's a clear transition. It feels like a reading whip-lash to keep changing POV.

    Also, I am a tad bit confused...so earlier in the chapter it said that Belle was shivering into her mother for heat:

    "...and see her shivering into my mother, trying to draw from her body heat. But my Mom had none to give because she was just as cold as the rest of us."

    But later on in the story, Eva reveals that her mother is actually dead?:

    "“Our mother died a few years after Belle was born and our father had been struggling to pay the bills..."

    That is the only inconsistency I saw in the story, but it was a big one that made me question.

    I think this is a very good start for a story. The grammar and spelling errors are minimal, which is great. But with that said it needs a little more polishing. I feel like the plot of this story was meant for a multiple-chapter story as it felt a bit rushed, especially in the POV transitions. I couldn't quite grasp the theme of the story.
    Is it love? Survival? Hardship?

    Overall, I will say this one-shot has a good base to becoming a great story. Keep it up!
    February 1st, 2014 at 09:51pm
  • January Rose

    January Rose (100)

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    @ Ailurophile
    Awww, thank you very much! Cute
    January 7th, 2014 at 12:37am
  • Ailurophile

    Ailurophile (100)

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    Awww this was such a sweet Christmas story to read! Very Happy
    January 6th, 2014 at 06:43pm
  • hiwagang hapis

    hiwagang hapis (1550)

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    The summary didn't do it for me. I'm not keen on the summary because first, it seems grammatically incorrect and it didn't make me interested in the story at all.

    3 children are out in the cold freezing and when all hope seems lost, they are found.
    Cold freezing - I think you're missing another word after that because cold and freezing are two adjectives. They need a noun to describe.

    I'm also not keen on shifting point of views because it's confusing. It should be subtle and will add more depth to the story. But it's a style choice for authors so it's your choice. I just want to say that shifting point of views in the middle of the chapter is very confusing for me.

    The wintery air breathed on us hard, the cold air wiping past our bodies, showing no mercy.
    I'm pretty sure that this sentence should be separated into two sentences. You also used air twice when you could have used a similar word to air which is breeze.

    “Danny are we almost there?” My little sister Belle yelled.
    There are two mistakes in this sentence. First is there should be a comma after Danny because you are addressing a person. Second is the tense change.

    I noticed that you use present and past tense in the story. You mixed both tenses in some sentences so I'm very confused whether you're using present or past tense. A good story must have consistency in verb tenses.

    I don’t say anything but I my eyebrows furrow in concentration.
    Please remove the 'I'.

    We had been out in this cold for at least 30 minutes and it was -20.
    There should be a 'degrees' after -20.

    Okay, I'm not really a religious person so I don't really understand the gist of the story. Another thing I noticed in this one-shot, there are a lot of verb tenses. You used present tense in the first part of the story and then switched to past tense in the later part. It's very confusing. Your sentences are not structured well in my opinion and there are some mistakes in the dialog. Aside from that, you seem to miss some words in the sentences. All in all, I believe it can be better if you proofread it more and shift point of views subtly without the asterisk sign in order to signal the change of views. You can ask a beta reader to proofread your work.
    January 4th, 2014 at 05:45pm
  • January Rose

    January Rose (100)

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    @ Love The Sea
    Thanks! Cute
    December 30th, 2013 at 03:18am
  • Love The Sea

    Love The Sea (100)

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    This is so awesome! Love it <3
    December 29th, 2013 at 09:02pm
  • January Rose

    January Rose (100)

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    @ RoCk_PrInCeSs_PR
    Wow, thank you so much! Cute
    December 29th, 2013 at 05:12pm
  • Fuck You Mibba!

    Fuck You Mibba! (135)

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    Ghoul of 2016
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    I read this to do the review for my blog as a Christmas giveaway present and I don't regret reading it. This is amazing and it's a beautiful story full of love. Not only describes the love that people express for others (specially strangers) but love for God which brings faith and hope to our lives. You did amazing with it. Great job! I fell in love with it and not only I am going to put the review in my blog but also I recommended and commented. It deserves more credit and recognition because this is truly an amazing one shot.

    RP
    December 29th, 2013 at 05:05pm