July 13th, 2017 at 09:36am
@ rainbebez.tears.
Thanks for your comment. I hve fixed the mistakes and sorry for that little mix up. I thought I had fixed everything, but mistakes happen. :)
I may turn this one-shot into a chaptered story, but I'm not 100% sure. But thanks again for reading!
I have two little bits of critique, one which I’ve already somewhat brought up.
Straight up: yes, the pacing is very quick. Of course, I was aware that these kids were not bad people and were in desperate need of a home, but I would have loved to have experienced Penny and Earl getting to know the kids before they take them in. I would have loved to continue seeing Penny act as a mother, warm and open and comforting. Safe. The fact that they immediately want to adopt the kids is so sweet but I definitely would have loved to have seen them get to know each other before that jump. I think it would have added more dimension and emotion to the fact that Penny and Earl wanted to adopt them.
And my second point is that you definitely need to proofread or have someone else proofread for you. There were a lot of missing words throughout. I could fill in the gaps because of the context of the sentence, but it was very distracting to have the prose kind of… skip around the way that it did. At one point, you added a very random ‘I’ in the middle of a sentence. It was strange and I hate that it was so distracting because it took a little something away from the story.
Other than that, I thought this was such a sweet and pure one-shot with so many emotions! Fantastic job.