May 15th, 2017 at 12:01pm
First off, I liked that this was based off of a non-English song. As someone who doesn't speak any other language, I sort of knew what I was getting into based off of the lyrics you had, but it was also a bit of a surprise which I liked.
I found there were quite a lot of spelling and grammar errors in this story that started to take away from the actual content. I understood what was going on, but trying to figure out what you meant with some of your words, or trying to figure out some of the sentences took away from the immersion, if that makes sense.
It also felt like some parts of the story got a bit repetitive. I get that there was the one main plot, but it felt like you were sort of just rewording the same thing over and over. I feel like that may be because of the lack of description as well. Everything was quite blunt, which is okay in some circumstances, but I think adding in more description and doing more showing rather than telling would really help out with that.
Nice job
There wasn't really a nice flow to this piece, and I feel like some sentences read far too awkwardly to really allow the reader to get sucked in. I know the plot was basically a look at the process of choosing someone to take home and have sex with, but I agree with losing control in that it got a bit repetitive at times. I also feel like you didn't really describe Lust enough to explain why he was completely sold by her just from first glance. What is described seems almost...normal? Like, I wouldn't understand why someone would see her once and fantasise like he did. She's mysterious and a wild little thing, but how does she put that across? Why does he think that?