Eternally Yours - Comments

I figured I'd get through these faster if I did live comments instead of blogs so here we go:

I love demon stories! Aw I love Lucky already. Of God, he cut her hair! I would never let someone chop my hair off. Xaryx is a strange but cool name. I love all the characters in here! Ohmygod they know her secret now. I hate that she's all scratched and bruised up. Aww I love the Lucky's gonna go get her cats for her.
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I love demon/angel stories, and your one is no exception, it has great potential, I love your layout and I love the fact that the main character is called Angel

Only thing that I'd point out is that there's no need to have the chapter in the title "CH1:" etc it isn't necessary. I know it's not a big thing but yeah, it'd make your story look better. :)

I thought the summary was very intriguing and it did peak my interest. I love reading about Angels and Demons - they are kind of my thing. I am a big fan of the supernatural and love when it's slightly depicted in stories.

So, I read all of the comments below and I think you know what you have to work on, so I am not going to beat a dead horse and repeat - some of the comments were a little rude I thought in the sense of informing you what needs to be looked at, reworded and so forth. I think there's a right and wrong way to tell someone that they didn't quite understand what was going on. But whatever, that's just me.

With that being said, I will tell you what I liked and didn't like, to be fair because there was plenty that sparked my creative senses and I understood and other parts where I was completely lost, but we'll work on that. I like this girl so far - she's independent and scared and that's natural for someone to be in the circumstances that she was in - I wouldn't expect someone who doesn't really know what they are capable of to go full Satan in two seconds - she's scared and only a child - I am guessing 13 or 15. Her response to the "master" beating her was natural to me - other people may not have got it, but I think I did.

One thing that every writer should learn how to do, which could help you in the future, is learn how to show and not tell, I felt there were times where you stated things and repeated them instantly through the characters actions - it's too clustered and too repetitive for readers if you do it that way, you have to trust that your readers know what's happening by showing not telling - and that can be throughout narration or characters actions, but it does become pretty helpful if you think like that when writing.

Angel is a little too dull for my liking, but I think someone said below, she has to grow on you - and I really think that - she's only introduced shortly and hopefully through later chapters we can see her full potential as a female lead and her powers become strong and she understands them. I have hope for her and I like that you're sticking to that.

You have something here, I think - I'm not going to write this off yet - and with the right nurture of revising, this will be wonderful. It just takes time to fully understand where we're going with a story and by the end of this chapter - I'm not sure where this could lead off into.

Keep writing, dear and I'll have to continue reading the other chapters to see if any of my predictions have come true.

First of all I would recommend changing your background. The blueish text on the red background isn't flattering. Honestly, I always tell people to just do a simple white background and black text so that the layout stands out more. It always ends up being easier on the eyes and as sad as it is, it gets you more readers when you have a nicer layout.

Chapter one
One of the major rules of this website is you need to have your paragraphs separated. It makes it easier for the readers to actually read it when it's separated so I recommend going through the story and fixing that.

The first sentence is very off putting. It's not formatted correctly at all. I'd recommend doing something like this to make it sound better and to have it correctly punctuated. I have never had a true name. It's almost as if I don't matter. Something like that makes it sounds a whole world of more appealing.

It becomes apparent with the several times you stating that she has no true name so it's unnecessary to state that 'Angel' isn't her real name when we know she doesn't have a real name to begin with. Also, multiple grammatical issues in this chapter. It would take too long to go through them all so I recommend finding a beta to do it for you.

I'm not really sure the plot of this story or where it's going mainly because it doesn't seem like judging by the summary you have that even you really know. I see that you have potential and with the right amount of time and effort if you actually laid out a full plot and developed your characters before just throwing them into this scenario this could prove to be an interesting story. :)

I like the idea of this a lot and the way your lay it out is just incredible. You describe the nameless character's emotions exceptionally well and I love that! But, the only thing I'd change personally would maybe be the layout and I'd space out your paragraphs more, because it can become strenuous to read after a while, but apart from that, couldn't really be better! Truly epic xxx

I just read the first chapter and I loved it! But...Angel should have stood up to him...I mean...huh. I don't like it when the female lead is weak. I hope she'll kick his *** next time though!

I've never read anything like this, but I liked it. I'm gonna keep checking for updates, good writing!

This story seems like it will have a very interesting plot line! The beginning sentence (same as the summary) is very intriguing, but I feel that the sentence following it drags it out instead of complimenting it.

I've always liked these cross species stories, and I'm interested to see one about a demon-angel cross. However, i think your story is moving a bit too fast and as a result there's a lot more telling then there should be.

Try to focus on your scenes individually and extend them to their greatest point! And keep up the great work. :)

The first sentence is great and attention catching, but the sentence after it just repeats exactly the point of the first in a different way, making it repetitive. I say pick one or the other.

I like the dynamic of her shame over being a half-ling, and how that makes her question what seems to be a lasting and secure relationship with Lucky. That makes her more interesting.

The first chapter is really interesting, and it doesn't answer all my questions, which is good. That's a good way to get readers to come back!

Over all, really great job.

From comment swap (a group of us)

The plot is well thought out and I I've the character relationships you develop immediately. It's always great to connect to the characters to pull the readers in. However, the way the phrases were formed it made the diction and phrases a little weak. You need to strengthen them. I loved your sentence in the beginning, although putting it at the begging of your first chapter gives the reader that "predictable" or "redundant" feeling of the story and it's kind of... A bit disappointing. If that's something you would want to aliterate, put it farther down where it can develop meaning as the story goes on. Other than those things I like the story, layout is good and the picture matches well. Just remover that the first chapter is like a first impression.

First off I'd like to say I'm enjoying the choices in names here. It's rare to find someone imaginative in my personal experience. I think the story starts off strongly in the first chapter with reasonably sized paragraphs and a good look at Lucky and Angel's relationship without revealing too much. On top of that, the dialogue is perfectly readable, flows, and sounds realistic—my commendation on that, as it seems to be something that people struggle with.

I should admit that I'm not the greatest fan of the Angels and Demons thing because it's just way too overdone, but I also want to point out that this fact has nothing to do with how I feel about the writing, except that the story itself carries the whole "Been There, Done That" feel, in my personal opinion.

I feel like the chapters are too short and they leave too much to be desired in the way of description. I just read what you have so far and I still don't feel like I really understand what happened. Maybe that's the angle you're playing at, using that as a hook, but for me it feels poorly executed among the several small grammar, punctuation, and spelling mistakes that I took note of. While reading, I noticed that Angel (at least) doesn't have a very well-presented personality or any presence really at all, and I think you can use that to grow her later on. What I can't get over is her whole "Woe is Me, I'm an Orphan" structure, which has her seeming to be weak as she lets Master beat her (constantly?) without any fight whatsoever, though she randomly enters her Demon Form and beats the crap out of him. I would suggest running her through a Mary Sue test and maybe doing a write up of her of some sort. It wouldn't be a bad idea to do the same with the others as well.

All in all, I think this has great potential as a fic, and even though I roasted you a bit here, I do believe that this has a good base to an okay premise, and even stories with overused ideas can make it. Keep working at it, and I'm looking forward to seeing what direction you take with this. Good luck!

Holy freaking crap, this is amazing. The first chapter was strong and that's what kept me reading more. I'm sticking around to follow this all the way. Fantastic job, well done! :)

I am glad to be taking this story's comment virginity because this seems really nice. You started out strong with the first chapter and I like that in stories. Well done!

P.S. If you ever make this complete, I promise to review it chapter by chapter with detailed meaningful comments.