Fear. - Comments

  • TheShiningSoul

    TheShiningSoul (150)

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    I actually really like this! I'm so hooked to it already and I've only yet had chance to read the first chapter :) I'm going to continue on with it for sure xx
    January 16th, 2014 at 08:13pm
  • tabula rasa.

    tabula rasa. (120)

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    This seems like it's going to be a very interesting and unique story! I really like it so far! You describe things really well, and I'm very curious about these dreams that Sian is having. I especially liked the third chapter-- I think you did a really great job describing her dream. It just had this eerie, dream-like quality to it. I will definitely be subscribing because I'm very interested in seeing where this story goes!
    January 14th, 2014 at 03:09am
  • Lady.V.

    Lady.V. (960)

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    I think I'm gonna like this. I can tell from the banner and the summary so I will keep reviewing this story till you complete it chapter by chapter. XD Be happy, I don't do that often. Mr. Green

    Layout:
    I like the fact that you used a premade layout that fits with this type of story and of course the banner. Don't change it, cause this is awesome. Well done for the combination. Victory The only thing I have to say is to credit the layout maker in the summary or the author's note of the first chapter.

    Summary:
    Think of your deepest fear. The one thing you fear the most. It's terrifying just thinking about it.
    This part is written in second person and then you go to first person in the next sentence but it's part of the first small paragraph. I suggest puting, My deepest fear haunts my dreams. as the first sentence of the second small paragraph, meaning I never thought it'd come to life. But it did, I'm living my worst nightmare.

    You did good on the summary. It's very interesting and it really pulls you in, I can give you that. The first two sentences made a good impact on me. They were written in second person so you actually made me think about my fear. Good job!

    Chapter one:

    My heart started to race, I could hear my own heart beat as I scanned the area again. [paragraph 1]
    Instead of a comma, write and. It fits better and keeps the flow.
    You did the same in the next paragraph, where it says That growl, the one I keep hearing.
    Instead of a comma, write was.
    Be careful of that. It's true that sometimes it works, but in this story I believe it breaks the flow.

    At the second part of the chapter and at the second paragraph, it says Non of which worked Non should be changed to None.

    You tend to switch tenses. You go from past to present and vice versa. I suggest getting a beta or go over it.

    I absolutely adore your descriptions, they have to be of the best I have ever read on this site. They are deep, detailed and not boring at all. Well done on that! XD

    The last paragraph along with the last two lines were my favorites of this. In Love

    Chapter two:

    In the first two sentences you are switching tenses again. You have to be careful of that as well, as it seems.

    "So you do speak. Do you have a name?" Of course I have a name. What do these people think I am? An alien? Jeez.
    I like her thoughts on what he had just said.

    I like how their conversation went on from exchanging names, to the cigarretes and about what was going on.

    No-one could predict the futue right?
    Change futue to future.

    I was perfectly fine on my own.
    That sentence got to me because in the past I have found myself saying and believing these words. I also adore the next paragraph.

    In the next part of this chapter, what made a good impact on me was this sentence, What looked like a normal day in the town, looked like a blood bath to me. I could only imagine.

    This is the real world, my god the real world was such a beautiful place. So peaceful, so care free. Nothing could take the beauty of it away.
    That part actually made me reply to the narrator in a way. I was about to say that: Actually, people can take its beauty away by destroying it bit by bit.

    One step closer to beating my fear.
    I like how you ended this. This sentence shows the narrator feels confident, even if its just one bit.

    Overall,
    till now - I believe this is a great story and it has great potential. I like the style you have used for this and I hope you'll keep up with it. I also liked how each chapter had two parts. Nice! Cute

    -Marian.
    January 11th, 2014 at 06:10pm
  • DarkHeartedAngel

    DarkHeartedAngel (100)

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    I love the banner, seeing just the person's eyes really fit in well with the title not to mention that the layout is absolutely beautiful. I also like how you describe the fear. You're able to create the main character's fear without the rest of us thinking the worse of her(him?). We, as readers, are able to connect with the main character because we can feel how she sees her fear. I especially like the last sentence. One step closer to beating my fear. This allows the reader to know that our main character is a fighter and offers some hope that they will be okay.
    January 11th, 2014 at 03:51am
  • Formaldehyde.

    Formaldehyde. (150)

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    I absolutely adore your descriptions and your ability to hold the reader's attention. The plotline appears stong and quite different to the usual horror/thriller stories I've stumbled upon. You have a promising story here and I definitely don't think you should give up on it. Subscribed!
    January 11th, 2014 at 12:40am
  • vickyptv

    vickyptv (100)

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    I'm just going to go ahead and take the comment virginity because you deserve it. Even though it's still early days for this, I'm really enjoying this already.
    January 10th, 2014 at 03:59pm