Demons - Comments

  • n. josten

    n. josten (1270)

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    Ghoul of 2016
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    I’m here as the new judge for the ‘My Worst Nightmare’ contest.

    This piece actually reminded me of the song, My Immortal, and it was really nice. I liked the way you intertwined the lyrics within the content of the story line by line. A lot of the time, when an author tries to tie the song into the actual content, it makes it hard to find a rhythm. I think it helped that you did it line by line with content in between rather than in large chunks so both of these things seemingly wrapped around each other and complemented each other instead of becoming distracting. I do wish that there had been some more backstory so I better understood what was happening, but I also liked the ominous mystery to it, as well.

    I do feel like your writing style changed halfway through. It was very purple prose-ish with a smooth course in the beginning, but by the end, it had a very simplistic and blunt kind of style. I think this could work well with the content considering the vibe and shift in scenes, but (and I’m saying this with the idea that you did mean to change prose styles) the switch made me kind of stumble. I think this is also why towards the end, it started reading rigidly. By the scene with the narrator on the floor, everything was reading kind of strangely.

    I did enjoy reading this piece though, so good job.
    July 2nd, 2017 at 04:10am
  • Theo Rossi;

    Theo Rossi; (150)

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    You really know how to play with emotions, don't you? I mean I practically felt what the main character felt throughout the whole story. I want to know how you do it. I really do. This is amazing, and you wrote. I'm sure you can understand why I love your writing. You're just so talented.
    March 25th, 2014 at 08:09pm
  • DevilboyKyle

    DevilboyKyle (100)

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    I'm in love. This was out of this world. In Love
    March 2nd, 2014 at 08:14pm
  • Jordypye

    Jordypye (1400)

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    Love the song you used and I love this piece, you're an amazing writer, keep up the good work!
    February 15th, 2014 at 09:14am
  • nearly witches.

    nearly witches. (15250)

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    Admin
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    Here judging the Grand Finale round of Sixth Time's the Charm! Cute

    I actually really love My Immortal so I'm glad that you've used lyrics from that throughout. I love the way that you interweaved the lyrics with the story itself and how it seems to have these two distinct sections. The first is this really lovely and striking description of this world that seems to be inside the narrator's head and then you move to this really dark section where I feel genuinely concerned for the physical wellbeing of the narrator. You blend those two sections almost effortlessly and they work really well together. I wish we had more information or backstory to the actual plot itself but I also quite like the mysterious edge that the entire piece gives off. It's definitely different to anything that I would ever read myself but it's been written so well that I don't think it matters that it isn't my thing. You use some really lovely descriptive words in the first section and then drop off into this quite simplistic language choice that I think works really well within the context.

    Definitely impressed by this piece. I'll be announcing the Grand Finale winners tomorrow, so keep your eyes peeled!
    February 13th, 2014 at 09:37pm
  • capheus

    capheus (100)

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    This is really interesting. I like how you wrote this and how different it is from other pieces because of the lyrics and all that you included. I was a bit confused moving from the beginning of the piece to the end but overall it's quite good.
    February 9th, 2014 at 11:50am
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    I really like that this is kind of first/second person and you don't really know the gender of either person. For all we know this could be two girls in a very abusive relationship, or two guys, or the guy is getting beaten by the girl. That uncertainty is probably what I like the best. It reads a little stiff for me in areas, such as the action sequences. I think with a few more descriptive words it could fix that quite easily. Otherwise, very nice job. :)
    February 5th, 2014 at 11:04pm
  • CrimsonSlave

    CrimsonSlave (100)

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    France, Metropolitan
    I like how you tied the quote along with the lyrics of the song to the story. This was a very well-written abuse stories. I wish it was longer.
    January 25th, 2014 at 06:47pm
  • DarkHeartedAngel

    DarkHeartedAngel (100)

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    Why am I the first one to comment? I love this too. I love how you broke up the song line by line for this and the description is wonderful. I never pictured the song working for an abuse story, but you managed to do it very well might I say. Excellent job as usual. ::hugs:
    January 20th, 2014 at 06:10pm